The Crow

Here's a little background on me.  I've always been excited for Christmas.  It is the one day all year I will wake up at an ungodly hour without setting an alarm because, apparently, I am seven years old.  When I was old enough for my parents to yell at when I woke them up at 4:30AM on Christmas morning, I had a choice to make.  I could either be an adult and sleep in until a reasonable hour, or I could find something to keep me occupied until dawn.  And so I began my tradition of watching movies in the pre-dawn hours of Christmas morning.  The first entry in this series was The Crow.  I was unfortunate enough to be a teenager when The Crow came out, which means that I have seen no fewer than 6000 people dressed up as The Crow for Halloween.  This movie has always had a weird appeal.  There are all sorts of people who will dress up as The Crow for Halloween: dudes who like action movies, guys who want an excuse to show off their abs, Goth kids, poor people who happen to own a black shirt and black jeans, bondage enthusiasts, people who love to pout, etc.

Yeah, like that, but less awesome.  And with more practical pants.

Anyway, back to Christmas.  I was lucky enough to have very permissive parents who realized that I was not going to kill people because of the music, video games, or movies I absorbed.  However, my mom happened to walk into the room as the climactic scene was finishing and she saw this:

Bizarrely, her reaction was not "That's totally bitchin', son!"

Yes, a guy impaled on a gargoyle, which is funneling his blood out of its mouth.  Merry Christmas.  I hadn't watched The Crow in many years, so I was wondering how well it held up.  The answer?  About as well as can be expected.

The Crow is the story of Eric Draven (Brandon Lee).  Eric and his fiancé, Shelly, were brutally murdered on October 30th, the day before their wedding.  Why?  Because October 30th is Devil's Night in Detroit, and Detroit is run by complete scumbags (NOTE: that probably means that The Crow takes place before Robocop and is, therefore, a prequel).  A year later, Eric crawls out of his grave because...um...magic?  For whatever reason, a crow tapped on his grave and Eric woke up.  Not surprisingly, he was traumatized by memories of his death and the rape and murder of his soon-to-be-wife.  Quite a bit more surprising, though, was Eric's new-found ability to heal from any wound --- oh, and the fact that his body apparently healed from the sharp fall that killed him while he was rotting in the grave.  Like anyone else who has risen from the dead, Eric preached to others decided to share his experience with the people who killed him.  And by "share his experience," I of course mean "murder the hell out of."  But before he can wreak his terrible vengeance, he needs to put on makeup.  To...er...protect his identity...or something.

That's a sad clown

Once he put on his face, Eric --- now The Crow --- hunted down each of the men responsible for his and Shelly's deaths.  As he works his way up the criminal food chain, The Crow's murderous ways have an unexpected effect on a young girl and a disillusioned cop; he gives them hope...which probably means they're pretty messed up in the head.

The Crow was undoubtedly Brandon Lee's best movie before his untimely death during filming.  However, his career up to this point was highlighted by his prominent chin and that time he complimented Dolph Lundgren's penis in Showdown in Little Tokyo.  Was Lee any good?  He turns in a solid action performance, but his acting is hit and miss.  He is suitably cool when playing the invulnerable Crow, but is wretched when trying to convey any emotions; when he is moaning for Shelly, Lee sounded like a drunk with a mouth full of marbles.  What really makes The Crow work is not Brandon Lee, but the surprisingly solid supporting cast of villains.  Michael Wincott played the unfortunately named Top Dollar, the lead baddie, and he was a lot of fun to watch.  Wincott has a fantastic villain voice, and it absolutely fits the ridiculous level of evil this character requires. 

Long hair and no tie?  This Top Dollar fellow is quite the rebel!

His right hand man was none other than Tony Todd, who simply is incapable of playing a nice guy.  You know you've got a solid bad guy cast when the Candyman is a henchman.  There are a few other minor bad guys, but the most important one is David Patrick Kelly, who managed to rock a Caesar cut and a ponytail at the same time.  Kelly is one of my all-time favorite baddies, and he has some choice moments here.  My favorite is when he orders an underling to grab some cigarettes and "road beers" because he's so evil that he makes drunk driving a priority.  A close second is his "Fire it up!" chant with his gang members.  It is totally intimidating and not at all comedic.

And it definitely doesn't look like a terrible Boy Band dance

The last of the noteworthy baddies is Bai Ling, who was suitably creepy as a weird witch-like lady.  She didn't act great, but Ling's natural smile looks genuinely frightening, so she came across pretty well in her small role.  Ernie Hudson got to swear and point out how ridiculous the rest of the cast was acting.  Rochelle Davis played little Sarah, and she was pretty bad.  On the plus side, she had a terrible and very 1990s haircut that you don't see too often in films.  This was also in that brief period where Anna Levine got to play almost every trashy whore character that Juliette Lewis turned down.  Levine has a tragic quality to her, and I thought she was surprisingly good in a role that wasn't very well-written.

The Crow was directed by Alex Proyas, and was his first widely-released film. If absolutely nothing else, he took a story that could have been laughably cheesy and added enough edge to it to make it pretty cool.  Proyas wasn't too impressive from a technical standpoint, but he played it pretty smart.  Why mess with fancy angles or try to milk a great dramatic performance from this cast, when it is far easier to go for spectacle and overlook its inherent stupidity?  My favorite instance of that comes from this scene:

Heroes/antiheroes leaving a calling card is a long-honored comic book tradition, so it's not shocking that The Crow decides to let the police know that he is the one, um, murdering scumbags.  The effect that this scene has on Ernie Hudson's character is to make him roll with it; if a victim wants to kill the city's biggest scumbags that the law can't seem to prosecute, he's willing to light a cigarette and enjoy the show.  But think about this scene for a moment.  This isn't Spider-Man leaving a purse snatcher somewhere for a beat cop to find and arrest.  This is someone who is murdering people who, in a strictly legal point of view, are innocent.  From that perspective, The Crow is a lot closer to a serial killer than a hero.

"Ha!  Logic!"

Of course, nobody watching the movie actually comes to that conclusion but me.  And no, I don't really give a rat's ass that the bad guys are being killed.  That's all good clean fun in my mind.  What I would like to know is how The Crow managed to pour the gasoline so precisely to make his flame art.  The city always looks wet, he operates at night, and I don't see any streetlights in the area.  Is that a superpower from beyond the grave?  Sure, why not?

Most of the time, movies with antiheroes rely on the main character to draw the audience in.  What's the difference between the murderous Punisher (1989) and the murderous Punisher (2004)?  Thomas Jane is actually sympathetic and Dolph Lundgren deserves everything he gets because he's a godless Communist (that is a continuation of the Ivan Drago story, right?).  The Crow doesn't work that way.  Brandon Lee is just too much of a ham to be truly appealing.  What makes his work look good is how evil the bad guys are by comparison.  When your villains are crazy bastards who live to rape and murder, you don't really need an awesome hero, as long as the bad guys pay.

Although, let's be honest.  How long were these jerks going to live, anyway?

That's really what separates The Crow from the rest of its comic book movie ilk.  This is a whole lot less about the protagonist avenging a single crime and more about the need for bad people to die horribly.  And that's okay.  This is a ridiculous story that gets juuust the right amount of edgy attitude without going overboard, and The Crow winds up being a lot of fun to watch.  That is a delicate balance, though, so it isn't terribly surprising that the sequels didn't quite hit the mark.

"If you mention the sequels again, I will stab your face in!"

So, yeah.  The Crow is not a legitimately great movie, even with action movie standards.  It is, however, a unique blend of violence, melodrama, and villainy that somehow manages to take itself seriously.  That is what makes this movie work; if the characters were winking at the camera or camping it up, The Crow would be unbearable to watch.  And yet...it's actually still pretty cool.

The Crow soundtrack was also a pretty good sampling of moody, mid-90s "alternative" rock.  Nine Inch Nails and Stone Temple Pilots got most of the attention with their contributions, but my favorite track also happens to be the unofficial theme song to the film.

Last Man Standing

One of my all-time favorite movies is the Sergio Leone spaghetti Western A Fistful of Dollars.  There's just something innately appealing about a cocky loner who knows exactly how bad-ass he is.  When I realized that Leone stole his plot from Akira Kurosawa's Yojimbo, I went out of my way to find that movie.  It turns out that it is awesome, too.  Go figure, a legendary director made a good movie.  So, when I found Last Man Standing, which takes Yojimbo's plot and appears to give it a noir spin, I figured it was a can't miss scenario.  Apparently, only awesome directors can make good movies from this story.

The obviously alias-using John Smith (Bruce Willis) enters the border town of Jericho, Texas sometime during Prohibition.  The town is virtually deserted of decent folk.  The only normal people left are the wimpy sheriff (Bruce Dern), a kooky bartender (William Sanderson), and the town undertaker.  The only other people in town are split between two warring gangs, the Strozzi gang and the Doyle gang.  Smith happens to be ridiculously proficient with his handguns, and not very shy about demonstrating his talents.  With two violently opposed sides, Smith sees an opportunity to play both sides against the middle and make a lot of money in the process.  In short time, the bodies start piling up and both sides are clamoring for Smith's services.  But how long can one man manipulate so many violent people?

It's a pretty basic plot, and it's been done before.  How is Last Man Standing supposed to stand out from its predecessors?  Well, if nothing else, this movie has more recognizable actors in it that its more famous fore-bearers.  Bruce Willis is decent as the quiet tough guy; you've seen Willis as an action hero before, but this script is pretty devoid of quips, so he just has to look tough.  He does that.  He also looks tired, and I'm not sure if that was an intentional choice.  Bruce Dern and William Sanderson were okay as morally neutral supporting characters, but Dern could have done a lot more with his character and Sanderson's wackiness was occasionally annoying.  As far as the gangsters went, Michael Imperioli got to be a whiny Italian mobster; this movie does show how far he came before The Sopranos started, but it's a role he has played many times in his career.  David Patrick Kelly wasn't bad as Doyle, but he didn't have much of a character to play; he wasn't psychotic, for a change, though.  On the other hand, he's only entertaining when he's psychotic.

Bruce Willis, come out to PLAAEEEEEEAAAAYYYY!

Christopher Walken is the only man in town who is in Smith's league, as far as being dangerous goes.  This sounds like an easy role for Walken, but they decided to give him some scarring and a weird voice, so all his typical awesomeness is lost as he whispered all his lines.  You might also recognize R.D. Call as a frequent supporting gangster or Leslie Mann as a hooker, but neither is particularly compelling.

How can you screw up a villainous Walken?!?

But back to Walken.  How do you make a movie with one of the most audibly distinct actors of this era and mangle his voice?  That's like making a Megan Fox movie that doesn't treat her like an object.  That's like having Fred Astaire acting in a wheelchair.  That's like forcing Jean-Claude Van Damme to not do a roundhouse kick-to-the-face in a movie.  In other words, it's not the way the world should work, people.  You know what would have been a better choice for this movie?  Having him talk like any of these people:

Tosh.0	Tuesdays 10pm / 9c
Asian Christopher Walken Mash-Up
tosh.comedycentral.com
Tosh.0 Videos Daniel Tosh Web Redemption

Walken's voice isn't the only odd thing about Last Man Standing.  Director and writer Walter Hill made several bizarre choices as he adapted this classic Kurosawa story.  It starts with the narration.  Smith is a man of few words, so having him narrate the story seems a bit unnatural.  His narration is barely inflected, too, so it sounds like he's bored as he explains himself.  And, even though Smith is narrating his own story, he doesn't actually give the viewer any insight into his grand schemes.  Any one of those aspects would make the narration bad, but all together they make for some painful viewing.  Beyond the narration, there is a matter of the action.  Yes, there is a lot of action, in the form of gunfights, in this movie.  Some of it is okay.  The rest is either exaggerated or simply dull.  I'm not a stickler for realism in my super-violent gunfights, but even I can tell when something is blatantly wrong.  I don't know much about guns, but I find it hard to believe that Smith's two handguns could lift any grown man off his feet with a blast to the chest.  And he must have had magical magazine clips for his guns, since they only ran out after he finished killing everyone.

His guns are powered by male pattern baldness.

There's plenty of other dumb stuff, too --- why did the guys at the beginning, who wanted Smith to leave town, ruin his car?  When the bad guys get the upper hand, why don't they kill Smith?  They know everything he knows.  Why are armed men immune to Tommy gun bullets?  To be honest, none of that is terribly important, because the entertainment stops well before any of those questions start to bug the logic center of your brain.

Here's a Google image I found looking for "last man standing."  This picture is more entertaining than this movie.

Last Man Standing has a solid story at its core, but making the lead character tired and humorless doesn't bring out the best in the script.  I love the story this screenplay is based on.  I like movies where gangs fight each other.  I like tough guys that narrate their stories and kill lots of mean people.  But I need to enjoy watching it.  This movie is dreary and emotionless.  The action is nothing special, so the one saving grace it might have had amounts to nothing.  I know that Bruce Willis is not in consistently good movies, but I'm not usually bored watching him; when you take away his smirk and quips, though, you're not left with much to watch.  I was hoping that this would be an underappreciated gem with its pedigree, but this film is just poor.

And, just because this movie depressed me, here's something to cheer me up.  Yes, that's Sharon Stone.