"It never forgives. It never forgets." Is that tagline supposed to frighten me, or make me think that this is just a movie about an asshole? Or perhaps it is a subtle ploy to get some sympathy cards? Well, it's not working. As part of my month of horror reviews, I wanted to contrast and compare a Japanese horror flick with its American remake. I chose The Grudge because: A) I haven't seen Ju-On: The Grudge yet and B) I couldn't remember anything but Cat Boy from the American version. I watched this movie when it came out on DVD with Danny O'D; I remembered him hateHATEhating the film, but couldn't remember why. All I remembered was the general feeling of it being a crap movie. But, unlike The Grudge, I both forget and forgive (all movies except The Doom Generation), so I gave this film another shot.
The Grudge begins with a foreword: "When someone dies in the grip of a powerful rage, a curse is born. The
curse gathers in that place of death. Those who encounter it will be
consumed by its fury." So...it's a "curse," not a "grudge?" We're not off to a great start, are we?
What if I told you there was ramen-sniffing later? Is that better?
The film opens in Japan with Peter (Bill Pullman) committing suicide without saying a word of dialogue, which was both unexpected and hilarious.
The story then cuts to Yoko (Yôko Maki), an in-home caretaker, stopping by the Williams family house to take care of an elderly patient. When she arrives, neither Mr. or Mrs. Williams is home, which is odd, but creepy ol' Grannie Williams is, so Yoko gets to work. Until, that is, she hears a noise upstairs. Since this is an American horror movie and her name is Yoko, you know something bad is going to happen to her. And it does. She opens a closet door and is pulled into an attic, where bad things presumably happen.
At least she won't sing on the next Plastic Ono Band album
The next day, Yoko's boss (Ted Raimi) can't get her on the phone (not that she could talk, anyway) and decides to send in a substitute caretaker to make sure Yoko's patient is still alive and not rolling around in her own filth. He chooses Karen (Sarah Michelle Gellar) for the job. Karen arrives at the same house and finds the same creepy old lady, only this time the house is a bit of a mess. Attic murder will do that to a place, I guess. After doing some preliminary cleaning up, Karen finds a little boy in the house. He's not just any boy, though; this boy appears to be the local champion of Aggressive Staring.
This is the furthest thing I can imagine from the Care Bear Stare
Toshio (Yuya Ozeki) doesn't speak English, and of course Karen doesn't speak Japanese while living in Japan (stupid American!). But remember that thing that yanked Yoko into the attic? It's still in the house. And that creepy kid? Yeah, he only gets creepier.
This film was brought to you by the Commission to Never Adopt Asian Children
From this point forward, we follow Karen as she tries to understand the complex web of death surrounding the house. Well, maybe it's not all that complex. It seems like everyone who's ever been inside is vanishing. But why? And...Karen went inside! Oh gosh, oh me, oh my!
Let's talk about the acting in The Grudge for a few moments. As far as the creepy Asian grudgelings go, they were all fine. You might recognize Takako Fuji and Yuya Ozeki as the creepy lady and Cat Boy from the original film, Ju-On: The Grudge. They were respectably weird and unsettling, even if screen captures from their scariest scenes sometimes look like the opening to some disgusting fetish porn.
"It's so...how you say...BIG!"
Neither actor had a lot to do. They had some weird sounds dubbed in and exaggerated facial expressions. Fuji does a mean crab walk and Ozeki can open his mouth wide enough to make that weird cat siren noise unsettling instead of silly. The script treats them more like walking avatars of death than actual characters, though. Most of the actors were forced to play "normal" people that wandered cluelessly toward their death. William Mapother and Clea DuVall, who both normally play one-note characters, were restricted to zero notes; by the time they showed up on-screen, it was obvious that they were there to be bland and increase the victim total, which they did. I always like seeing Ted Raimi in movies, more because I know his brother is producing than thanks to any talent on Ted's part. I was largely indifferent to KaDee Strickland's performance; her character did stupid things (what adult hides under her blanket?), but that's not Strickland's fault.
Why does the elevator have windows if they're just looking at hallways?
Jason Behr plays a theoretically important part in The Grudge, but he's hard to take seriously. It's not just the fact that he has all the charm of a zombie squirrel, but he somehow finds a way to leave his mouth open whenever he is supposed to be conveying emotion.
Is that "abject despair" or "I forgot my keys"?
The lead in this film is, of course, Sarah Michelle Gellar. I have nothing against Gellar usually --- she can deliver clever lines well, when they're given to her --- but she is a terrible horror actress. Yes, she can scream, but there's more to the genre than that. When Gellar is asked to play vulnerable characters, that requires her to show things like fear, concern, and uncertainty. Apparently, those emotions are outside her range.
All she would need to look scared is glance at the old lady
What audiences get is a blend of "I don't get it" and "I have a concussion."
The Grudge was directed by Takashi Shimizu. He also wrote and directed all four of the Japanese Ju-On movies before this one. In other words, Shimizu knows his creepy Asian kids.
With all that practice, it astounds me at how boring The Grudge is. It has possibly the worst pacing I have ever seen in a horror movie. I can enjoy a slow-building horror flick, but it needs payoff. All we get in this movie is a series of short stories about people looking worried, a boy with a meow instead of a voice, and somebody dies or disappears. But the audience doesn't know or care about any of the victims and the killer has the personality of a shadow...so who are we supposed to be rooting for or against? I also wasn't crazy for the cinematography. In a movie that could have had some interesting camera angles providing hints or visual cues, it was shot in a very straightforward way.
Except for the rap video, of course
Before I ramble on about the many faults of The Grudge, I should point out that there are a few very good visual moments. Both Toshio and the lady with all the hair were visually stunning. Toshio's cat noises were definitely unique and unsettling. The lady being under the covers, while really stupid, was definitely one of the highlights of the film, visually. My favorite moment, though, was the fingers in Gellar's hair.
Unfortunately, not a result of punching through her face
That was a great moment, even if Gellar's acting didn't capitalize on that moment of confused terror.
I can see why some people might be frightened by The Grudge. It's a supernatural threat that attacks you without any clear cause and it can come after you anywhere at any time. But there are a lot better scary movies out there. Let's look at the story. It is told in a nonlinear fashion, so there isn't a logical build to a clear threat or showdown. Instead, there is sequence after sequence of people entering a house and dying. Except when they don't, in which case the weird killer ghost things follow you home or (if you're Sarah Michelle Gellar) let you live for presumably several months in fear. Where's the scares or suspense in that? And then there is an inexplicable time-travel/mind-reading/flashback scene where past events are shown in not-cliche-at-all grainy black-and-white. This is the scene where the dastardly secret of this film is supposed to be explained, and the best way to do that is by having Sarah Michelle Gellar warp time and space? I would have been fine with that (maybe) if the reveal was interesting at all. But it's not. No shit, some people got murdered in the house --- we've known that for a damn hour!
But did you know it caused GHOST CRAWLING?!?
Maybe the filmmakers thought that the Bill Pullman subplot was the thing to truly hook audiences: "Remember that guy we killed in the opening scene and have barely referenced since? Let's tie him into an unemotional climax!" The Grudge is a film that wants to make you afraid to be alone (which apparently happens all the time in urban Japan), but all it has to offer is a bogeyman. There is very little gore, zero suspense, and a nonsensical plot that ensures that you don't give a crap about the fate of anyone in the movie.
That is the expression I had on my face for this whole movie
The Grudge is a bad, dull movie. It only narrowly avoided actively pissing me off, and that was simply because I just can't gather up enough hate to overcome my indifference. Watching this is really making me dread watching the Japanese version.
Let's see what we have here. London Boulevard is the directorial debut of William Monahan, Academy Award-winning screenwriter of The Departed. That sounds good. Of course, he also wrote Edge of Darkness, which included radioactive children, which is less good. On the other hand, Colin Farrell is in it, and I've really enjoyed him in the last few things I've seen him in (Fright Night and In Bruges), which almost completely makes up for how awful he was at the beginning of his career. The supporting cast includes the always reliable Ray Winstone, the considerably less consistent David Thewlis, and the adorable Anna Friel. Keira Knightley plays Farrell's romantic interest, too; while I'm not a big fan, Knightley isn't a bad actress --- she just seems to act in movies I don't want to watch. When you add all that up, London Boulevard sounds like a pretty solid movie, if not a good one. And yet, it took a year after its European release for the film to have a limited theatrical run in America. Is this a misunderstood diamond in the rough, or is this (in the parlance of the UK) just some shite that should have gone direct to DVD?
After being released from prison, Mitchell (Colin Farrell) is immediately picked up and reintroduced to the shady criminals that got him in trouble in the first place. Mitchell didn't rat anybody out --- in fact, he's a bit of a legend for being a bad-ass --- so he's not going to get snuffed, but he's tired of that life and wants to move on. Somehow, Mitchell manages to get a job as a bodyguard for reclusive actress/British tabloid fodder, Charlotte (Keira Knightley). Charlotte has developed a bit of an anxiety disorder thanks to the constant badgering she has received from the paparazzi; I would say she is paranoid, but they really are out to get her, since the worse she gets, the better their headlines.
She doesn't seem overexposed at all
Taking care of Charlotte is surprisingly rewarding for Mitchell. Aside from developing friendships that don't revolve around secrecy and being paid --- hold on...okay, his new gig isn't that different from his days as a thug. Whatever. Mitchell and Charlotte fall in love, the end. Or not. You see, ever since Mitchell got spung from the pokey, local crime boss Rob Gant (Ray Winstone) has been pestering Mitchell to flex some of that infamous bad-assery on his behalf. Mitchell has refused politely and less politely, but Gant isn't the sort who takes "no" for an answer. So who will come out on top in the end, gangster Mitchell or reformed Mitchell?
None of the acting in London Boulevard was too bad, but the leads weren't especially impressive. Colin Farrell did about as much with the role as the script would allow, but the story relies heavily on him being totally bad-ass, and we don't see a whole lot of that. Keira Knightley was fine as the strung-out celebrity, but her role was surprisingly small, given the initial movie trailer.
Rumor is Keira gained 1.5 lbs to play this role; that rumor may be exaggerated
While I didn't care for the individual performances by Farrell or Knightley, they did show some chemistry together, mostly due to Farrell being understated. Luckily, the lack of overwhelming charm and charisma from the two headlining stars is more than made up by two stellar supporting performances. David Thewlis played a habitually stoned manager/hanger-on of Charlotte, and he was great. What I liked about him was how well he played up the nonchalance of a habitual drug user, without being over-the-top at all.
This is easily the best work I've seen from Thewlis, although considering his non-Harry Potter career, that's not saying much. Ray Winstone is great at playing tough guys, and this role was right in his wheelhouse (sorry, I've been playing a lot of MLB12: The Show). Loud, violent, and scary: that's all you need to know about his performance here. There are a lot of recognizable faces in the rest of the cast, but the only one who stood out was Ben Chaplin as a sniveling and stupid crook; it wasn't a great part, but Chaplin was suitably unsympathetic. Stephen Graham and Eddie Marsan were both underutilized in small parts. Anna Friel was almost completely unnecessary in what could have been a fun bit part, but just felt out of place in London Boulevard.
As William Monahan's first directorial feature, London Boulevard does a decent amount of things right. The best scenes in the movie --- basically any time Farrell shares the screen with Thewlis or Winstone --- are snappy, well-edited and pretty awesome. The violence is also fairly raw and abrasive (in a good way).
"I'm an artist at my chosen craft"
And yet, London Boulevard is a huge mess. The first thing you'll notice is the variety and thickness of the British accents in the film; I enjoy the Brits, but even I had a hard time figuring out what was being said at times. Worse, Monahan's adapted screenplay is all over the place. The trailer makes this movie look pretty promising. A tough guy trying to get out of the criminal life and protect his new life with the woman he loves. Nothing wrong with that, at the very least, and it has the potential for greatness. But here's the thing: this movie really isn't about that. It's more of an odyssey for Mitchell as he adjusts to non-criminal life. The subplot featuring his sister was absolutely useless. The extended subplot featuring Mitchell's homeless buddy would have been useless, if not for the cheap shot it provides at the end of the film. But what is worse, a useless subplot, or a seemingly unimportant part of the movie coming back at the very, very end and suddenly being improbably important? And then there is the bit about the crooked parole officer, and the technical owner of a certain house...there's just a lot going on, but not in a fast-paced crime caper kind of way. Chunks of this movie work, but they don't actually connect to each other in a narrative or thematic fashion.
That disconnect is really at the core of what keeps London Boulevard from working. There are some good bits (the familiar overarching plot, the snappy banter in key scenes), but the pacing of the film as a whole is awful. The story gets sidetracked by subplots with little to no payoff, Mitchell is attached to certain characters for reasons the viewer never really understands, and the core of the story --- Mitchell and Charlotte falling in love --- is rushed and left mostly unexplored and unexplained.
That's enough of that!
How do you screw up a British gangster movie with so much talent in the film? By not focusing on the "gangster" part and not letting the talent interact with each other, I suppose. I was already sorely disappointed in the film when it suddenly sealed the deal and earned my ire.
I'd be pissed, too, if I starred in this
SPOILER ALERT: Mitch has just gone out of his way to keep himself and Charlotte safe, and he's leaving her house to get on a plane and meet up with her. And then he gets the shit stabbed out of him. Not by any of the famous actors in the cast, or even someone with a speaking part up to this point, but by a kid. You see, Mitch gave his homeless buddy a knife to protect himself, the homeless guy gets beaten to death, and word on the street is that a kid did the deed; Mitch tracked the kid down and was seconds away from murdering him, but he stopped, presumably because he made a choice to change. And then that stupid kid stabs him to death with his own knife, out of nowhere. That...that is just awful. It may not be the worst ending I've seen, but it is, at the very least, complete bullshit. If the movie had been good up to that point, I would have been seriously upset, so at least London Boulevard made sure you had lost interest before doing something so stupid.
For the record, that is one star each for David Thewlis and Ray Winstone. The rest of this movie can curl up and die, for all I care.
Looking at that movie poster, I wish I had gone out of my way to track down Godzilla and Mothra: The Battle For Earth. It's pretty rare to see a static image that can cause epileptic seizures. As it turns out, I accidentally stumbled across this movie while taking a trial and error approach to figuring out what channels my cable provides. Fate must have been wearing a rubber suit that night, as I not only stumbled across this 1992 gem (it's the dubbed version, so I'll use the English translated names for the characters), but I got to watch the entire thing without commercials. Let the Kaiju Mania begin!
Go Go Power Rangers!
Not so fast. Godzilla and Mothra: The Battle For Earth doesn't exactly fly out of the gate. Instead, it opts to show an Indiana Jones-esque character, Takuya, evading death and the hazards of Styrofoam bricks in an effort to take a relic from an old temple that absolutely does not resemble the set of a children's play. Takuya narrowly escapes death by packing materials, but he is immediately arrested by the police, who were apparently waiting for him outside. In jail, Takuya is faced with a choice; he can either sit and rot for fifteen years, or he can lead an expedition to investigate the effects of a recent mysterious asteroid. That might not seem like a tough choice --- and it isn't --- but Takuya is being forced to work with his ex-wife, Masako, and his pay will go towards his backlog of child support. Suck it, deadbeat! The expedition is specifically going to investigate a surprising find on Infant Island. When they arrive, the party survives several "comical" dangers in front of a green screen until they find the object. It is very large, very smooth, and very hard. What could it be? Well, there were some cave paintings that our resident Indiana Jones analogue expertly dates as "a couple of thousand years" old that depict some animals (a moth, perhaps?) doing weird stuff. For this next part, I want to point out that I am following the film's logic as closely as possible. When Dr. Jones Takuya tries to determine what the object is made of, he immediately dismisses rock and metal. Why, I don't know. But what else could this very sturdy object be made from? If you guessed "an egg," then you've seen more kaiju films than me. Not only is this an egg, it is Mothra's egg, as some helpful miniature people explain. They're not just your average miniature human that can hide behind flowers, though; these two are The Cosmos, and it is their job to keep the world in balance.
Um. Okay. So where the hell are the guys in rubber suits? Not to worry. Remember that asteroid? It landed in the ocean and fell into the same underwater gorge where Godzilla had been hibernating. Just as our characters were hauling the egg back to Japan, Godzilla attacks!
About damn time
But then, so does Battra! Wait...who? You see, Mothra is the protector of the Earth. You didn't know that? Yeah...neither did I. Many years ago, there was an advanced civilization on Earth, but they started doing all sorts of ecologically bad stuff, like creating weather-controlling devices. Apparently, they were latter-day Bond villains. In response, the Earth created Battra, the destroyer of the Earth. Last time, Battra defeated Mothra and destroyed that evil civilization. With all the pollution and stuff in the world today, Battra woke up again and Mothra's egg became uncovered. These two worldly forces are destined to battle once more, and the human race is at stake. Well, Japan is at stake, anyway. As for Godzilla, he's just an atomically-powered monster, caught in the middle.
I'm so glad the protector of the Earth still needs to metamorphose
I am certainly not an expert on kaiju movies, but when I sit down to enjoy a Godzilla flick, at the very least, I expect to see Godzilla kicking Tokyo's ass. That is where Godzilla and Mothra: The Battle For Earth makes its first mistake. Sure, we get to see Godzilla fighting Mothra and Battra, but there isn't a whole lot of wanton destruction coming from ol' greenie. Instead, Battra is the one who ruins most of Tokyo.
Godzilla fighting to keep his job
Now, if you've never heard of Battra before, that might be because he only exists in this single film; if there is nothing else memorable about this "dark" Mothra, at least the actor playing him is called Hurricane Ryu. Awesome.
This is the first time I have ever seen a Mothra vehicle, and I have to admit that I was disappointed. Is this his thing? He's a larvae for half the movie, and then cocoons himself and then grows wings that look like they were upholstered with shag carpeting from the 70s?
Don't get me wrong, it was hilarious watching Mothra the larvae fire some sort of thread/webbing/jism at Godzilla, but the larvae form is just about the exact opposite of Godzilla on the cool scale. To satisfy your curiosity, the exact opposite of a giant dinosaur on the cool scale would be "Homework."
There are a lot of amusing things in Godzilla and Mothra: The Battle For Earth, even with Mothra busy being lame. I loved the stupid miniature people, the Cosmos. They synchronized their speech, randomly sang, and communicated with Mothra. Oh, and they promised to to do what they can to save humanity "this time." I love the implication there; the last time Battra erased a civilization from the planet, they either sat by idly, or they actively helped Battra.
Bitches. Miniature bitches.
I also thought the Indiana Jones-ish opening was hilariously inept and out of place. Obviously, you don't watch a kaiju film for the acting, but this was pretty bad. My next favorite thing in this film was how Mothra opted to prepare for metamorphosis:
I can't be the only one who assumed he was having sex with a building, especially when that cocoon silk started spewing out. All of that was amusing, certainly, but what took the cake was more of a conceptual joke. SPOILER ALERT: Godzilla eventually kills Battra. Hooray, right? The Earth has been saved by the king of all monsters! Well, not so much. Nobody really celebrates. Even odder, it seems that Battra --- whose purpose is to destroy humanity --- was planning to save the planet by destroying a meteor that would crash into Earth in the year 1999 (the year is currently 1992, remember). Pause to consider that. Battra apparently had an identity crisis where he needed to protect the Earth from a meteor that he somehow knew would not only hit the Earth, but ruin it. Battra is a militant psychic environmentalist. Even better, Mothra has a "conversation" with Battra, where he agrees to take on the burden of destroying the meteor, and so he sails into space. The end.
Wait...what? What just happened? I did not see that ending coming.
I am not really sure how to rate this film. On the one hand, it is absolutely terrible. The acting, the direction of Takao Okawara, the action, the special effects, and the editing were all bad enough to qualify you for a medical prescription for whiskey, just to make your brain feel better. The human storyline took up way too much time, was terrible, and was heavy-handed in its condemnation of industrialization. On the other hand, this is a movie featuring men dressed up in rubber suits attacking poster board cities and model tanks. Still, I would have hoped for an improvement in special effects since the original Gojira. Godzilla and Mothra: The Battle For Earth is by no means good, but it is bad enough to entertain. I give it a legitimate score of
I was going to pass over Season of the Witch --- mostly because it looked horrid --- but I saw Chris Gore's quick review of it and my interest was piqued by the words "zombie monks." Admittedly, that is not a phrase that is often accompanied by "the Academy Award-winning performance of," but Nicolas Cage fighting zombie monks should have been hilarious. Not hilarious enough, as it turns out.
When, exactly, is Witching Season? Right after duck season? Actually, the Season of the Witch takes place during the Crusades of the mid-1300s. Behmen (Nicolas Cage) and Felson (Ron Perlman) are bad-ass knights that love to slaughter heretics. We know this because the two basically tell the camera in so many words. You'll have to take their word for it, since the large action sequences aren't very convincing.
I find it hard to believe that anyone reached age 60 in the Crusades, much less a knight
After killing in the name of (DA-DA! DUM!) God for many years, Behmen and Felson decided to quit the team after they invaded a castle and found themselves slaughtering defenseless women and children. The resident war-priest guy argued that there's no crying in baseball the Crusades, but nobody kept the pair from walking slowly off into the sunset. The end. Ha! If only! Behmen and Felson walk back to Behmen's hometown in Germany, only to find the area stricken with dead and bloated plague bodies.
Co-starring Christopher Lee's plague corpse!
Knowing that Crusades-quitters are outlaws, the pair enter the nearest city with the intent of buying horses to take them to Felson's hometown; ever-careful to not be identified, Behmen wears a mask over his face (which doesn't attract attention at all) and Felson wears a hood (except when he doesn't). Despite these precautions, the men are identified as Crusades-quitters when Behmen allows a clumsy child to handle the only thing in his possession that would identify him as a Crusades-quitter.
"Okay, maybe I should have thought that one through."
The pair get locked up in a dungeon and await their inevitable hanging for treason. Or is it inevitable? The town has captured a young girl that they claim is a witch. Obviously, a witch being in the same place the plague is means that the witch cursed the land. Just as obviously, the witch needs to be immediately killed taken to a remote colony of monks, who will put her on trial for witchcraft. The town is a little short on brave men that can travel across the dangerous German landscape unscathed, so Behmen and Felson get a chance to clear their names. Of course, it's not that simple. Witchcrafted wolves and dangerous bridges stand in their way, but Behmen, Felson, the supposed witch, and a few others are off to monkland!
"I've reason to believe we both will be received in Monkland"
Sounds like an acting tour de force, eh? Yeah, well...this was never going to be a great film, so I went into this with low expectations. Ron Perlman was decently likable. Robert Sheehan was kind of annoying as the d'Artagnon of the witch-escorting-party, but he's not so bad that you'll remember his performance the next day. Claire Foy had a terrible character to play, but she still wasn't very good. On the plus side, she is about the only person in the cast who looked dirty enough to be in the 14th century.
Surprisingly clean hair, though
Stephen Graham was mediocre in a small supporting role and Stephen Campell Moore was similarly bland as the witch-escort's resident priest. I was kind of disappointed by their performances, because I have enjoyed them in bit parts in the past; I guess I was hoping that some British charm would help make this movie more entertaining.
Stephen Campbell Moore witnessing Nicolas Cage overacting for the first time
But that was not to be. This movie stars Nicolas Cage, and far from his best work. I have seen Cage do good work in the past, and I have seen him be flamboyantly (and entertainingly) silly. This is the other Nicolas Cage, the one who thinks he's in a serious movie. It's not that he's terrible. I thought he matched the tone of the film just fine; that's only a problem when the movie's tone is shitty. I've seen him act worse, but Season of the Witch really could have used a less subdued and more ridiculously overacting Nic Cage.
"You want me to overact more?" I know, I know.
The fact of the matter is that Season of the Witch is about as fun to watch as watching plague blister pus dry. Why is that? Director Dominic Sena is no stranger to stupid movies, but at least he usually has the sense to be completely goofy or have Halle Berry take her top off to distract audiences. This movie is just dull. The battle scenes in the beginning were tepid, the horror angle never really pays off, and there is no suspense. This isn't the most incompetent directing job I have ever seen, but it is an impressive blend of disappointing special effects, a lousy script, cheesy acting and boring plot.
...And then there are the frequent story and visual parallels between Season of the Witch and Ingmar Bergman's The Seventh Seal. If absolutely nothing else, I will say that Sena was bold to invite comparison between this mess and a classic film. "Bold" isn't always a smart choice, though. Witch takes a lot of cosmetic similarities --- two men return from the Crudades (disillusioned) to a plague-ridden homeland, the men form a traveling group in the woods, there is a potentially wrongly accused witch being transported through the woods in a wooden cage, etc. --- and tries to twist its premise into an action/fantasy film. It could have worked (somewhat) with a better script or better special effects, but the constant reminders of a better film just make Season of the Witch seem that much worse. On the other hand, it was pretty freaking hilarious to see just how heavy-handed the parallels were.
There is something worth noting about this film, but I have to warn you...SPOILER ALERT:Season of the Witch has no witches in it. Ha! HA! That's almost funny enough to make up for the rest of the film. That's right, the supposed witch is really a demon. What a twist! And that's worse because...um...well, it's the first time demons are mentioned in the story, so...I'm not sure. The witchy-demon does animate monk corpses to fight our heroes, which is awesome in theory. In practice, the special effects and lack of suspense or horror ruined that seemingly foolproof plot element. Oh, well. While that is remarkably stupid, it's not enough to make up for the rest of the movie. It is good enough for one star, though, and I did enjoy one of the death scenes and I laughed whenever it compared itself to The Seventh Seal. It's not much, but you take what you can get from witches.
Here's a live recording from Liars, from their witch-themed album, They Were Wrong, So We Drowned.
Not every actor is greeted with immediate success with their first film. Most actors work up to it, by taking small parts and impressing audiences and directors with supporting roles. Similarly, not every actor can be great right out of the starting gate; most have to warm up to the idea first. While you might guess from the title that this was Patrick Swayze's Red Dawn sequel, I like to believe that Steel Dawn is his warm-up for Road House. We can all agree that Road House is the pinnacle of American cinema, right? Well, this film shows hints of his greatness, but doesn't quite deliver. Probably because this is a bad, bad movie.
Pain don't hurt...but Steel Dawn kinda does.
After World War III, the world is left a big ol' desert. Well, at least it is where this movie takes place. An unnamed wanderer (Patrick Swayze --- he's called "Nomad" on IMDb, but "The Warrior of Destiny" in the movie trailer...I'll just call him Dalton Jr., or DJ, to avoid confusion) travels through this harsh terrain, looking for a purpose. Along the way, he fights sand people (the Star Wars kind, not the derogatory term) and shows off his sword, which has several holes in the blade, which absolutely don't make the sword weaker or make it look like it was designed from an erector set.
Kids love nuclear war!
While wandering aimlessly, DJ encounters his old army boss, who tells him about a sweet protection job he's heading to. Basically, the army boss has been hired to protect some peaceful farmers from a local bully, Damnil (Anthony Zerbe). Unfortunately, the bar where the two men stop to talk is not a friendly one. When our hero, DJ, sips his drink, he discovers that he has been drugged. His former boss is alerted in time, but ends up being murdered by Sho (Christoper Neame), a merciless assassin that is just looking for a worthy opponent. That opponent can be either a weapons master, or someone who can out-mullet him.
Not an easy task, I assure you. Having nothing else to do, DJ decides to protect the farmers that his boss was going to protect, if only to place himself in a position to get revenge on Sho. The farm that he ends up protecting is run by Kasha (Lisa Niemi, Swayze's real-life wife). She runs a tight ship, with the farming regulated by her right hand man, Tark (Brion James). Kasha is about to wind up in big trouble, though; she has discovered an underground fresh water well beneath her property, and that is worth killing for. Will Dalton, Jr. stand up for these strangers, or will this drifter switch sides? Do you have to ask?
As far as post-apocalyptic movies go, this isn't the worst that I have seen. In fact, it has one of the more workable premises I can think of. It doesn't make any absolute statements about the world, it just explains that fresh water is very valuable, which makes sense in a desert. And, let's face it, plausibility is usually a pretty big stumbling block for this type of movie. Another plus is the fact that Brian May of Queen scores it; well, it's not a fantastic score, so I guess that's more of a tidbit, but whatever. Trust me, it's tough finding things to applaud this movie for.
So, where does it go wrong? Let's start with the details of this post-apocalyptic world. For starters, can anyone explain to the hair?
I would cry, too, if I had a post-apocalyptic perm.
It was genuinely distracting. Kasha had one of the least convincing "natural" hairstyles I can remember, and there was a surprising amount of super mullets in this movie. DJ even braided his! All those mullets, and not a trucker hat to be found...this is truly a disturbing future.
Is this the greatest film mullet of all time?
The hair didn't bother me as much as the use of weapons. Dalton, Jr. earns Tark's respect by showing off battle skills using a slingshot effectively; Tark doesn't give him respect, so much as he acts like he saw the hand of God tear apart the heavens, just to give DJ a thumbs up. As for the erector set sword, I'm going to ignore the poor logic that puts sizable holes in the blade, near the base of the sword. Instead, I would like to point out how it is carried by DJ when he's not using it. Normally, you put a sword in a sheath that is either hanging from a belt or slung over your shoulders like a backpack. DJ does things a little differently. His battle pants have a holder for his sword's handle, not it's blade. So, when he's walking, his sword is sticking straight up, with nothing covering the blade. That means that, if he had to grab his sword quickly, he would cut himself. Or if he fell down or did a somersault, he would cut himself. Or if he reached into his back pocket...you get the picture. I also "loved" their mode for fast transportation, the "wind racers." These things look like go-karts with sails. As you might conclude from that description, they don't look like they go very fast. Thank goodness there is a wind rider chase scene.
The acting is about what you would expect from a Patrick Swayze vehicle. He, once again, plays someone who doesn't emote until he has to fight the final bad guy. I love how serious Swayze takes his terrible action roles; it is impossible to listen to him read off some of these awful lines and not smile a little. No, he's not good in this movie, but this quiet hero does give us a glimpse at Swayze's work in Road House. Lisa Niemi may have inspired Swayze's hit, "She's Like the Wind (Racer)," but that's about all she inspires. When I was watching this movie, I was more impressed by Brion freaking James than either of the leads, and that's a pretty bad sign. To be fair, I was impressed by how blonde he got his beard, but that's besides the point. If you make the mistake of watching Steel Dawn, you might recognize Arnold Vosloo as an evil henchman. Or you might not. It depends on how much you love The Mummy series, I guess. The best character in the film was a stereotypically gay doctor who was transported across the desert by rickshaw, and I that was just because of the rickshaw. Oh, and there was a child actor that I left out of my synopsis, because he was Jake Lloyd-bad. You're welcome.
Lance Hool has directed only three movies in his career (he's mainly a producer), but he was directed some of the greatest actors in Hollywood. Aside from Patrick Swayze, he has had the pleasure of Chuck Norris and late-career Tom Berenger as his leading actors. If that doesn't clue you in to Hool's directing talents, let me gently suggest that his actors tend not to be critically acclaimed for dramatic performances. He's not much of an action director, either. Fight scenes are nearly indecipherable; I often couldn't tell how many opponents Swayze was supposed to be fighting. I also don't see the need for useless somersaults in the middle of sword fights, and I sure don't see the effectiveness of twirling a sword while you're fighting. Hool managed to get poor acting and awful fight scenes out of a movie that has very little to offer except for those two things. On the bright side, he managed to find enough sand to make the movie.
I found this German trailer for Steel Dawn and thought I would share it. Would this have been better in German? Anything would have helped.
