Aliens

What a brilliant concept.  Even if Aliens had not been made in 1986, seven years after Alien, we would have had a sequel made at one point or another.  Following up on Ridley Scott's brilliant sci-fi/horror masterpiece was inevitable.  You have a unique universe, filled with fantastic-looking monsters, and the original was received well; of course a sequel had to be made.  What makes James Cameron's take so smart is that he opted to make a film entirely different from the original.  Why make a pale imitation when you can carve your own path, right?

Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) survived the destruction of her ship, the Nostromo, but it took almost sixty years for anyone to find her escape pod.  When she awakes from her space sleep/hibernation, she learns that nobody believes her story about the alien that killed her crew; with the Nostromo destroyed, she has no physical evidence, and the higher-ups in the Weyland-Yutani Corporation (AKA "The Company" from the first film) imply that they believe she is making up her story as a defense for blowing up one of their expensive ships.  Why would Ripley even need physical evidence?  Because the species she encountered has never been observed by humans --- at least, none who survived.  In fact, the planet where Ripley's team found the alien is now a terraformed colony, and none of the colonists have ever encountered such a creature.  Naturally, not being believed doesn't make Ripley very cheery.  When you combine that with the fact that she has now outlived all her loved ones, including her child, you get some serious Captain America-style angst.

On the bright side, she gets to work with mechanical crab-hands

Shortly, Ripley gets a visit from Burke (Paul Reiser), a slimy Company bureaucrat, and Corporal Hicks (Michael Biehn).  Apparently, the entire space colony on the planet where Ripley found the alien has stopped communicating.  The Company's solution to the problem is, smartly, not to send an exploration team.  Instead, they are sending in Colonial Marines to kill anything that looks even slightly funny on that planet. 

It's called "The Carrot Top Defense"

Burke and Hicks want Ripley along as a consultant.  If the colony's problem is another alien like the one Ripley encountered --- which is a long shot, at best --- she might be able to offer some in-the-moment insight.  She won't be fighting, she won't see the creature, she will just sit on the ship and observe.  Yeah.  Right.  As the title states, this is not about a singular alien; this is about alienS, and they are very plural in this colony.

As I mentioned before, there is a huge shift in tone from Alien to Aliens.  Instead of trying to recreate the suspense of the original film, director James Cameron made a bad-ass action movie.  Sure, one alien is scary if you have no weapons, but how about a hundred aliens against a metric ton of guns?  That choice makes Aliens a lot less scary than Alien, but it is also a hell of a lot more fun to watch.  If there is one thing that James Cameron has always had a handle on, it is how to portray spectacle on the big screen.  An entire colony filled with alien xenomorphs is so over the top when compared to the quiet desperation of the first film that it cannot be described as anything but a spectacle.  Well, I suppose you can also describe it as "totally awesome," too.

Suck it, Rambo

This time around, it is clear from the start that Ripley is the main character, so Sigourney Weaver's acting becomes more crucial.  I'm not the biggest fan of Weaver, but she gives an otherwise emotion-free script some humanity.  It's also nice to see her character evolve some of the traits shown briefly in the original film; when she takes command, the marines listen because she's saying sensible things with authority.  That couldn't have happened before this story, but it still makes sense within the character's progression.  I have to admit that I really enjoyed Paul Reiser's slimeball company man role.  I've never found Reiser particularly funny, so having a reason to dislike him was very cathartic for me.  It helps that he does a great job playing a despicable character.

Even in the future, the "popped collar" is a sign of douchiness

Leading the rest of the supporting cast is Michael Biehn as the likable marine and quasi-love interest for Ripley.  I've always liked Biehn, and seeing him as the calming influence in Aliens provided an interesting contrast to his "come with me if you want to live"-intensity in his other noteworthy roles.  I also have to admit that, while it certainly isn't subtle, I always smile when Hicks falls asleep on the drop from orbit.  Perhaps the biggest division I have seen amongst fans of this film is whether or not Bill Paxton is awesome here.  I definitely fall on the "hell, yes" side of the argument, but I see where the other side is coming from; Paxton's character speaks in cliches --- almost like an action figure come to life --- and his performance is so ridiculous that I'm pretty sure he delivered his lines IN ALL CAPS.  And his "badass" speech?  He could have described the marines as being "bushels of badasses" and it wouldn't have been any sillier than what he actually said.  But then, isn't that what makes his character's whimpering so entertaining?  He's a tough guy that ignores Ripley's advice and gets the ever-loving shit scared out of him.  Subtle?  Not exactly.  But it's damn entertaining work from an actor I typically dislike.

Game over, man!  Game over!

The only other cast members I cared about, one way or another, were Jenette Goldstein, Mark Rolston, and Lance Henriksen.  Henriksen was solid as a detached android, and it was nice to see that his character was substantially different than the android in Alien.  Goldstein and Rolston were even more action-figurey than Paxton --- I would argue that their acting and dialogue puts them on par with the cast of Predator --- but, like Paxton, their incredibly macho attitudes were pretty entertaining to watch.  Side note: I just realized that Jenette Goldstein also play the foster mother of John Connor in Terminator 2.  Too bad she didn't have the T-1000's abilities in this movie.

"You're just too bad, Vasquez"

James Cameron's style lends itself well to big-budget action movies, especially ones that don't spend a lot of time with emotions or thoughtfulness.  Yes, there is a little bit of commentary of corporate greed here, and I love that Paul Reiser was essentially more evil than the xenomorphs, but Aliens is definitely a movie that is best enjoyed by turning off your brain and just enjoying the show.  Some of the production values have aged poorly in the past twenty-six years (pretty much anything on the surface of the planet), but this movie still looks pretty great on the whole.  As much as I think that the majority of the acting in this movie is ridiculously over-the-top, I have to admit that it fits the characters and works well within the framework of this story.

Where are all the quips now, tough guy?

The mere fact that Cameron took the concept of the first film, completely changed the tone and situation, and still managed to make it cool speaks volumes for his vision as a director.  He may not be even close to a favorite, but he can make some fantastically entertaining stuff with the right concepts.

Cameron math: More, bigger monsters > one monster

The most amazing thing about Aliens, to me, is that it works.  As much as I enjoy the original film, I cannot deny how much fun this one is.  In fact, until I sat down to watch both back-to-back, Aliens had been my favorite entry in the series for years.  It's got cool monsters, a few minor scares, and a whole bunch of can-do action movie goodness --- what's not to like?  Well, aside from having to go fetch the little girl at the end because she's a plot device.  And the fact that Bill Paxton's character pulls the "I'm ___ days away from retirement" bit.  And this is the second movie in a row that has a surprise fourth act.  And nobody kills Paul Reiser.  Despite all of that, though, Aliens is a ton of fun to watch and still stands up there with Star Wars as one of the most enjoyable action/sci-fi movies ever made.

Enjoyable for most people, that is

Dead Man

For many years, if you asked me who my favorite actor was, I would immediately answer "Johnny Depp."  To date, I have seen 37 of his 42 films, and I have enjoyed most of them.  With the success of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, though, I have felt that Depp's roles have been significantly tamer than the glorious weirdness that marked his career from 1990-1998.  Just as I was starting to question whether or not Depp was still my favorite, I noticed that Dead Man was LAMB's Movie of the Month.  That was a good enough reason for me to revisit this film for the first time in fifteen years.

Dead Man is the story of Bill Blake (Johnny Depp), an accountant from Cleveland who has gone West to get over heartbreak and seize a business opportunity.  It turns out that the West he winds up in is significantly further West than he probably had anticipated; his train started with men in suits and well-dressed women, but as the miles wore on, the train car became populated with gruff drunkards with wild hair, animal skins, and lots and lots of guns. 

Blake's stop is at the very end of the line, in a town called Machine.  After taking in the sights (a horse pissing in the street, Gibby Haynes receiving oral sex in an alley, etc.), he heads to work.  Unfortunately, it took Blake too long to make the trip; since he received the letter guaranteeing his employment in Machine, another man has been hired for the post.  Blake tries to protest, but it does little good against his rough would-be employer, John Dickinson (Robert Mitchum).

You're not going to beat two barrels of Mitchum

Without enough money to return home, Blake is at a loss.  He manages to postpone making any real decisions when he befriends (in the Biblical sense) Thel (Mili Avital).  In their post-coital bliss, Thel's ex-boyfriend, Charlie Dickinson (Gabriel Byrne) walks in; he shoots at Blake, the bullet goes through Thel and lodges in Blake's chest, and Blake shoots Charlie in the neck.  Gravely wounded, Blake manages to grab his belongings, steals a horse, and wakes up lost in the woods with a fat Indian poking his wound with a knife. 

Not the ideal wake-up call

It's not as bad as you might think.  Well, maybe it is.  The Indian, Nobody (Gary Farmer) was trying to dig out the bullet (which was a pleasant surprise for Bill), but it is too close to his heart (which is bad news for Bill).  Blake is essentially living on borrowed time.  Meanwhile, John Dickinson hires a trio of murderous thugs to bring Blake back, alive or (preferably) dead and has wanted posters put up all around, offering a large cash reward.  What is an accountant to do in the wild, with every armed man in the West looking to kill him for money?  What do you do when you are a [clever use of the movie title]?

You cry lighting?

Dead Man was written and directed by Jim Jarmusch, and is the only film I have seen of his to date.  I was a little surprised by that, so if you have any Jarmusch recommendations, please leave me a comment.  If there is only one thing you can say about Dead Man, it is that it is definitely stylized.  The entire film is in black-and-white.  The passage of time is shown only through scenes fading to black, sometimes after only a few moments.  It has a very atypical score for a Western; Neil Young provides a sparse soundtrack, consisting almost entirely of harsh and abrupt electric guitar riffs.  This is not the Wild West from classic Hollywood Westerns, where you go West to find freedom and start anew.  Jarmusch's West is surreal and nightmarish.  I loved the direction in this film, and I thought the actors were all handled quite well.  As for the writing...well, I'll come back to that later.

The acting in Dead Man is good, although most of the surprisingly deep supporting cast is limited to shallow bit parts.  Johnny Depp is good as the perpetually out-of-his-depth Blake; what I liked best about his portrayal was just how much calmer and worldly Blake got as he approached death.  Gary Farmer was also very enjoyable as Blake's companion, Nobody.  The last film I watched that had a prominent Native American role in it was Windtalkers, so it was nice to see an ethnic character that wasn't a stereotype.  Lance Henriksen was good as a truly nasty killer, but he was overshadowed by Michael Wincott's gravel-voiced (and often surprisingly funny) chatterbox; Eugene Byrd was fine as the third hired killer, but he definitely had the least developed character in the bunch. 

If nothing else, Westerns typically deliver mean-looking bad guys

Robert Mitchum was pretty awesome as an elderly bad-ass in his few moments onscreen.  I also enjoyed Billy Bob Thornton, Jared Harris, and Iggy Pop as a bizarre trio of fur-traders.

Depp's paper rose is discussed in detail here.  Thankfully, Pop's dress and bonnet are not

The rest of the noteworthy cast (including Crispin Glover, John Hurt, Gabriel Byrne, and Alfred Molina) are certainly adequate, but their appearances generate more of a "is that who I think it is?" reaction than a "what a great performance!"

Dead Man is a dark, trippy, surreal and surprisingly funny Western.  It is sometimes referred to as an Acid Western, following the example of non-traditional Westerns from the 60s and 70s and turning the sense of dread from films like Ride in the Whirlwind into an extended nightmare.  The dialogue is crisp and clever, and the fact that the various Native Americans languages were not subtitled or translated only emphasized Blake's outsider status.  The first time I saw this movie, I was oblivious to William Blake, but now that I'm somewhat familiar with his work, I found Nobody's references and plan far more amusing and less random.  As much as I enjoyed most of Jarmusch's writing in Dead Man, I have one major complaint.  The story just seems to go on and on.  Don't get me wrong --- I enjoyed the film and the two hour running time wasn't excessive.  The story just didn't have much structure.  Blake heads West, gets shot and then another hour and a half go by.  As an exercise in style and fun writing, Dead Man is great, but it is lacking a story that makes you care.  Still, good performances, enjoyable writing and interesting direction makes this better than most movies, even if it is imperfect.

Alien vs. Predator (Extended Cut)

I like it when I can turn my brain off and enjoy a stupid action movie for exactly what it is: big, dumb and fun.  It's even better when the title tells me exactly what to expect --- Alien vs. Predator?  Awesome, I don't even have to wonder what the movie is going to be about.  The only thing better than a "vs." title would be a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie called I Slow-Motion Roundhouse Kick Many Men in the Face.  I happen to be a pretty big fan of both the Predator and Alien franchises, so this movie could (theoretically) be better than a dumb action movie; Alien is a smart thriller, while Predator and Aliens are awesome action movies.  Really, as long as AVP didn't take its cues from Alien: Resurrection, it could stand a chance of actually being good.

...And then the movie begins, and all hope is lost.  Alexa Woods (Sanaa Lathan) is ice picking her way up a remote frozen mountain when she gets a phone call.  My first reaction was, "You get reception there?  Who is your carrier?"  The caller is Maxwell Stafford (Colin Salmon), and he has a job offer for Alexa.  As she struggles to get to the top of the mountain, Alexa politely refuses the job because she is days away from civilization.  Just then, she reaches the top and Stafford is already there, with a helicopter.  Right there is the first inkling of how dumb this movie will be.  What, you can't wait two minutes for her to get to the top of the ice mountain, you have to call her immediately, Mr. Stafford?  And maybe you shouldn't startle someone on the edge of a cliff covered in ice.  Just a thought.  Jerk.  And wouldn't she have been somewhat aware of a helicopter landing near her?  It's not like she was going to be distracted by the noises of traffic surrounding her.  Whatever.

Stafford works for billionaire Charles Bishop Weyland (Lance Henriksen), who has assembled a diverse team of experts to investigate something unusual.  Alexa is the survival guide, Sebastian (Raoul Bova) is an expert in ancient Egyptians and hieroglyphs, and Graeme (Ewen Bremner) is a mineralogist.  There are some drilling experts and some mercenary soldiers (Tommy Flanagan, Agathe de La Boulaye, and a few others) in the group, as well.  The day before, a heat signature was picked up by one of Weyland's satellites that covers Antarctica; from the satellite images, he has determined that the heat comes from a vast pyramid structure several hundred yards beneath the ice on an island just off the coast of the frozen continent.  Obviously, rich guy wants more toys, so the expedition intends to find the heated object and claim it for himself, humanity, and his multinational communications company.  And, thanks to the expert knowledge of Sebastian, we now know that this pyramid has aspects of all known pyramids --- Egyptian, Peruvian, etc. --- so this could be the world's very first pyramid.  Because an educated archaeologist is willing to make ridiculous claims like that after glancing at some extrapolated images.  Are we sure this isn't based on a true story?

What is taking so long for us to get to the title subject matter?  Aliens?  Predators?  Either would be awesome right about now.  Well, the stupid humans enter the pyramid, only to find that it is all a trap; once they have entered, the pyramid changes the shape of its interior rooms every ten minutes (or whenever it is convenient for the plot).  Why?  Well, we can discuss that later.  The point is that some humans get stuck in a room where they are incapacitated long enough to be impregnated with baby Aliens in their chest.  Then Predators show up and kill all the Aliens as part of their training to become bigger, better Predators.  So, there you have it: Aliens vs. Predators.  And both against humans.

Perhaps the most surprising thing about this film is the fact that the basic plot mechanism behind it is based on a scientific theory.  Granted, it's not a widely accepted theory, but it's not something that writer/director Paul W.S. Anderson just pulled out of his butt, either.  The idea is loosely based on Erich von Däniken's book, Chariots of the Gods?, which postulates that ancient pyramids and religions were brought to the Earth by extraterrestrials, who were seen as gods by the primitive humans.  Personally, I find such sloppy pseduo-archaeology offensive to my intelligence, but it's not a bad idea for science fiction.  The movie tweaks it a little bit by making the pyramids a training ground for fledgling Predators as they fought the universe's ultimate prey, Aliens.  It's more complicated that I like in my action movie plots, and it will require a human to learn all this and be in awe, but it's not fundamentally terrible.  Besides, it sets up my favorite line in the whole film; at one point, Sebastian says "This is starting to make sense."  That cracks me up every time, because it must have taken that actor at least a dozen takes to say that with a straight face.

How do you screw up an idea like Aliens being hunted by Predators?  By focusing on the humans.  I'm sorry, Alexa and Sebastian (the film's only vaguely sympathetic characters), but I don't care if you live or die --- as long as your death is awesome, it's all good in my opinion.  "But we need a point of view character that is experiencing these scary monsters for the first time, like the audience."  No, we don't.  There were six other movies with these creatures; I think the movie-going public is pretty well-acquainted with these things.  But that is just a conceptual misstep.  It hurts the movie, yes, but you can still make a decent action flick with this basic story.

But then again, the specifics of the story are ridiculous.  Where to begin...?  If the Predators use Earth as a training ground, why haven't we seen them fighting Aliens on pyramids in the past (let's be generous) 100 years?  The flashback clips show the Predators fighting on some pyramids in what appeared to be Central America, which was heavily populated in pyramid-building times, so it's not like they were relegated to the Antarctic.  And even if they were, why do they need to lure humans there?  Why not kidnap them?  When all you're looking for is a warm body to incubate Alien babies, you don't need to be picky.  Let's just say that the reason humans have not witnessed Predators fighting Aliens in modern times is because they've been doing it under the tundra; why would they even have a pyramid there?  They weren't shy about building pyramids all around the globe.  Why are they bashful now?  And if humans are just walking nurseries for the Aliens, why do the Predators kill some of the humans before they even enter the pyramid?  I don't really care how stupid the core premise of an action movie is, but at least try to be consistent.

Man, analyzing this movie just ticks me off.  While this could have been a genuinely cool movie, it chose to be a dumb action movie.  Okay, I can live with that.  If you're going to gauge this flick by horror movie standards, there are over a dozen kills in this movie, not counting Predators or Aliens.  That's not a bad body count.  The final Predator has some pretty sweet kills, too, so at least one of the bad-ass hunters got a chance to be bad-ass.  And hollowing out an Alien skull to use as a shield?  That was awesome.  And how about the Predator spaceship?  The front of it was shaped like their masks.  I nearly spit all over myself when I first saw that.  It's like Jason Voorhies driving around Crystal Lake in a van with a giant hockey mask on the grill.  Actually, it's better than that --- it's like the Predators are ghetto fabulous winners of "Pimp My Spaceship."

But by focusing on the insignificant humans, who are (by the story's own admission) just cannon fodder, this movie truly fails.  Do you want to see a Rambo movie, told from the point of view of one of the three hundred henchmen Stallone blows the hell out of?  Of course not.  Unless it was a two minute short film, in which case, it could be pretty funny.  The same principle applies here.  I am more than okay with some brainless Alien and Predator kills; this movie has a couple that were pretty good, but the PG-13 rating definitely limits the quality of the its senseless violence.  And by taking the point of view away from the Predators (because, really, I don't think you can tell a story from an Alien POV), the filmmakers guaranteed that this movie would suck.  On the bright side, this movie did fulfill its promise of having Aliens and Predators fight each other.  So, let's review: ridiculous story, acting so inconsequential that I haven't even mentioned it until now, underwhelming action, and the wrong approach to a can't miss idea.  Yep.  That's a bad movie.  Even if it does, technically, live up to its title.

The Slammin' Salmon

Comedy troupes are an interesting anomaly in the movie world.  Sure, you have the megastars like Monty Python and...um...well, okay, so there really isn't any other group that has been continuously successful on the big screen.  Some of my favorite groups, like The Kids in the Hall and The Whitest Kids U' Know, have only made one movie.  With that duly noted, I think that it's pretty cool that the guys in Broken Lizard have managed to put out their fifth movie, The Slammin' Salmon.  The group is best known for Super Troopers, but Jay Chandrasekhar, Kevin Heffernan, Steve Lemme, Paul Soter, Erik Stolhanske have managed to write, act, and direct (well, Chandrasekhar has) in four pretty solidly stupid (and consistently funny) comedies before this.

The movie takes place in the Slammin' Salmon restaurant, named after owner/professional boxer Cleon Salmon (Michael Clarke Duncan).  Basically, Salmon is a moron.  He lost a lot of money gambling and needs the wait staff to bring in $20,000 in one night --- that's about twice as much as the restaurant's best night ever.  To sweeten the deal, a cash prize is offered to whichever waiter makes the most money, while the loser will be pummeled by Salmon.  The wait staff primarily consists of Broken Lizard, with Chandrasekhar playing a mentally ill (but medicated) guy, Heffernan as the wussy manager, Lemme as a failed actor, Stolhanske as a jerk, and Soter as a cook and a twin brother on his first day at work.  There are two waitresses, April Bowlby (the stereotypical blonde) and Cobie Smulders (the smart one), as well.  Obviously, some hijinks must ensue for this to be a comedy, so the wait staff performs some shenanigans and the customers cause problems. 

The supporting cast is fairly noteworthy, with Jim Gaffigan, Will Forte, Lance Henriksen, Morgan Fairchild, Vivica A. Fox, Olivia Munn, and Sendhil Ramamurthy making appearances; fans will also notice a few recurring actors from other Broken Lizard movies playing small roles.  All of these roles are shallow and most are lazy stereotypes, with few generating more than a smirk.  Ramamurthy's reactions to his girlfriend's (Munn's) inanities are mildly amusing, but the other recognizable actors are pretty useless here.  Of these supporting roles, only bit player Michael Weaver really gets an opportunity to be funny. 

That makes sense, though.  Movies about waiters are never about the customers because waiters will deal with dozens of customers per shift.  The main interest has to come from the waiters.  Unfortunately for the viewer, things don't work out so well in that department.  The bizarre mentally unstable performance from Chandrasekhar is probably the best of the bunch; when medicated he is terribly awkward and not funny, but when he's off his meds, he takes on another persona that is much, much more amusing.  Soter is okay in his dual role, but nothing special.  He plays twins for only one predictable joke, too, so he split his efforts for no real reason.  Lemme was decent as an actor, but he wasn't very funny, either.  Stolhanske was just terrible, though.  The two waitresses were inconsequential.  All in all, the wait staff was pretty disappointing.

That leaves the management as the only possible saviors for this movie, and they almost pull it off.  Kevin Heffernan is annoying as the manager, but he is the funniest actor in the group and that makes his scenes more tolerable than they should be.  A lot of his scenes are almost funny, but not quite there.  Luckily, Michael Clarke Duncan ends up carrying this film.  As the almost freakishly large boxer, Duncan dwarfs everyone else in the cast.  His booming voice and (let's be honest) stupid dialogue provide much of the motivation for the other characters.  Their reactions to him and his expectations for them offer a lot of opportunities for humorous interactions and the occasional profane one-liner.  I wouldn't say that his performance would steal the show in any comedy, but it is definitely the bright spot here.

Overall, this was a disappointing directorial debut for Heffernan.  Most of the problems were in the script and this was filmed during the 2008 writer's strike, so they might not have been allowed to improvise or improve their lines.  That doesn't excuse this movie, though.  The premise is uninspired (make money or get beat) and isn't even revealed to the waiters until halfway through the film, for some reason.  The entire first scene with Heffernan as a waiter should have been cut because it isn't funny and has nothing to do with his work as manager.  Soter had no real reason to play twins, but the fact that there are twins makes you wait for a "I thought you were the other one" moment.  That moment eventually arrived, but was not worth the wait.  The acting was competent from most, but only Duncan looked like he was having fun. 

Worse than that, Broken Lizard tried and failed to work outside of their comfort zone.  They are at their best with contextual humor, not one-liners.  I can't tell you how many Super Troopers quotes I have heard, but I can tell you that only people who have seen the movie laugh.  Since the waiters are on their own at each table, there is not much banter between the staff.  This means that the humor has to come from jokes, which Broken Lizard has never excelled at in the past, and certainly failed with here.  The best moments are when the established characters get screen time together, which includes almost all of Duncan's performance (which, I would like to reiterate, was funny).  Had the movie spent more time with the managers or the cooks and less time with customers, this film might have been saved.  Instead, we get a Waiting... knock-off, minus the stupid fun.