Scream

I didn't grow up in a family that watched horror movies.  Aside from an occasional sleepover, I didn't watch horror movies until I was in college.  The movie that convinced me that I was, maybe, missing something was Scream.  Toward the end of my senior year in high school, a friend invited me over to watch a movie and she chose Scream.  I agreed, but was wary.  I wasn't trying to impress this girl, but I didn't want to embarrass myself either, by wetting my pants or shrieking like a schoolgirl.  For some unfathomable reason, I just assumed those were the options open to me.  But then I watched the movie and did not shriek --- it's none of your damn business about the pants-wetting --- but instead really enjoyed myself.  Seventeen years and three sequels have passed since its release; how has Scream held up?

Scream opens with one of the more famous scenes in modern horror.  Casey (Drew Barrymore) is home alone when she receives a phone call.  Casey doesn't recognize the caller's voice, but he is playful and a little flirty, so she goes along with it.  The caller asks what her favorite scary movie is (and she somehow didn't choose Poison Ivy?!?) and everyone is having a good time...until the caller lets it slip that he's watching Casey.  In fact, the caller has captured her boyfriend and will kill him, unless Casey plays a sort of horror movie trivia game over the phone.  How did she do?  Let's just say that you don't want Casey on your Trivial Pursuit team.

"Orange!  No, *sob* red!"

It seems that the brutal slaying of Casey and her boyfriend were not the first of their kind in this area; a year ago, Sydney's (Neve Campbell) mother had been murdered and the case became a media phenomenon.  But, since high schoolers are sociopaths on their good days, Casey's presumed friends aren't terribly affected by the crime.  Instead, Sydney and her boyfriend, Billy (Skeet Ulrich), are more worried about their sex-free relationship; Stuart (Matthew Lillard) and Tatum (Rose McGowan) are concerned over who can be more stereotypically 90s;

The answer is "nipples"

and the media-oversaturated Randy (Jamie Kennedy) sees the events as a direct parallel to horror movies.  Against all odds, it turns out that Randy is right.  The killer is following horror movie logic, which means that people who break the cardinal "rules" of slasher flicks (promiscuous teens, people who announce that they will "be right back" when going somewhere alone, etc.) will pay for their sins.

On the surface, Scream is kind of a sketchy idea.  A horror movie about a killer who loves horror movies, and victims who are aware of horror movie cliches?  There is a high potential for snottiness and finger-quotes irony in that pitch.  Thankfully, director Wes Craven had already toyed with this notion in his last horror film, Wes Craven's New Nightmare, and got that out of the way.  Craven, along with writer Kevin Williamson, did a very good job keeping Scream from succumbing to its potential weaknesses.  The script had clever dialogue and a reasonably likable (by horror standards) lead character.  Craven directed his relatively young cast well, and none of the featured characters seemed terribly obnoxious or paper-thin.

Well, nobody was unusually obnoxious

There are several bits in this movie that Craven handles expertly.  The opening scene is probably (and justifiably) the most famous, but pretty much every subsequent extended sequence with the killer is well-balanced and suspenseful.  As a whole, the script's efforts to be funny undercut any prolonged attempt at creating atmosphere or a sinister tone, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.  Scream works because it is light and funny and because it plays along with the tropes that horror fans have known about for years.  I revisited this film, expecting the movie to have aged noticeably, but the only things showing their age are some of the costume choices.

Her "Dancing in the Dark" outfit has aged better than this

Well, okay...there is one noticeably stupid moment in this movie: the killer attacking Sidney in the bathroom in the high school.  For a killer that chose his moments pretty well in the rest of the movie, that just seemed gratuitous.

One of the things that separates Scream from its slasher movie brethren is its cast.  In the 80s and early 90s, a lot of noteworthy actors started out in horror movies, but established talent didn't stick around.  There isn't much prestige or acting challenge in the role of "Bust Campy Councilor #2."  Thanks to its script, though, Scream was able to attract some reasonably well-known talent.  The biggest name in the movie at the time (and even now) was Drew Barrymore, who was in the midst of her "bad girl" career renaissance.  Even better than having a big name actress was the fact that Barrymore took a role similar to Janet Leigh's in Psycho; by taking a smaller, more memorable role and nailing it, Barrymore set Scream up for success.  The rest of the cast is not quite as good, but not bad, either.  Neve Campbell's character has some angst, but she wasn't out of her depth when articulating those emotions, or showing a reasonable amount of intelligence.  I typically ignore people who clearly don't wash their hair in odd-numbered months, but Skeet Ulrich wasn't half bad either.

That shirt will get washed before that hair

Rose McGowan doesn't really do much, which is about par for course with her.  I will give her credit for having the stupidest death in the movie; if your character is boring in a horror movie, it's good to strive for a memorable kill scene.  She's really the worst actor in this movie, and that is shocking, given this cast.  The typically obnoxious David Arquette comes off fairly cute and likable.  Courteney Cox played a fairly one-dimensional character, but at least her character served a purpose in the plot. 
Jamie Kennedy, who has never not been terrible, is actually okay; granted, he is just acting as a mouthpiece for the writer, pointing out all the horror movie cliches that Kevin Williamson wanted to mock, but credit where it's due.  Why it was decided that Kennedy should wear pastel hush puppies and do Jerry Lewis impersonations, I do not know, but the 90s were a very ironic time.  Even the always (ALWAYS!) annoying Matthew Lillard played his part well.

Maybe he should get stabbed in more movies?

There are a few teeny-tiny roles that are worth pointing out, as well.  Henry Winkler had some lines and a death scene, even though his role was uncredited.  Less obvious was Linda Blair's cameo, but the best bit part went to Wes Craven himself, as the Freddy Krueger-looking school janitor.  That was great.  Oh, and Liev Schreiber is also in the movie, but he doesn't actually say or do anything aside from glare, so he barely counts.

When it comes to the classic horror stuff, the sex and violence, Scream does some interesting things.  This is a violent movie, no doubt.  We see a few people getting disemboweled and there is a good amount of stabbing.  In other words, a lot of fake blood was spilled in Scream.

The worst was the blood swirlie Campbell got

Maybe it's the humor in the script, or maybe it is the fact that most of the kills aren't especially ridiculous, aside from Rose McGowan's, but it just doesn't feel all that violent to me.  Still, the blend of violence and humor keeps it interesting, even in the late-second-act wasteland that can drag down a lot of slasher pics.  While there isn't any gratuitous nudity, the script does speak of the evils of teenage sex; somehow, the self-awareness of the script is almost as enjoyable as random boobage.  The strangest thing about Scream is the fact that the killer is so bland.  When you hear the voice over the telephone, he is charismatic, funny, and a little frightening.  When you see Ghostface in the flesh, though, he's underwhelming.

Look at that face!  It looks like he's apologizing!

Ghostface (Killah) isn't a bad villian, per say, but Scream isn't iconic because of him.  Scream was a hit --- and is now working its way toward "classic" status --- because of the writing and the wit.  That's not a knock on the series, by any means, but it is a knock on Ghostface.

All in all, I was genuinely impressed with how well Scream stood the test of time.  Even though it has had three sequels and revitalized slashed movies in the late 90s, it still feels fresh.  The writing is still fun, and even the presence of a moderately anonymous killer doesn't dampen its impact.

Conan the Barbarian (2011)

That tagline feels unfinished.  Shouldn't it read "Enter an Age Undreamed of, Unless You Saw the Original Movie or the Sequel"?  I mean, really, how different will this Conan be from Schwarzenegger's?  Both have muscular dudes, swords, and sorcery, right?  Okay, then.  At least the filmmakers acknowledge that this is a franchise reboot/remake; it is titled Conan the Barbarian and avoids an obnoxious sequel-ready subtitle, like Conan and the Blood of Acheron or Conan and the Curse of the Black Pearl.  I rented this movie directly after Sucker Punch because I needed a dumb action movie that would have no problems with being a dumb action movie.  Thankfully, Conan the Barbarian delivered in that regard.

I feel obligated to point out that the titular character of this film pronounces his name similar to that of Conan O'Brien (CO-nin).  I'm sure that's the preferred pronunciation of the character's creator, Robert E. Howard, but I've always associated the name with Arnold Schwarzenegger's barely English pronunciation (CO-NAAN).  That, of course, is completely irrelevant.  For some reason, though, I cared enough about it to watch a few old-school movie trailers to make sure my ears weren't playing tricks on me.  Apparently, I will research things that absolutely nobody else cares about.

Like so many remakes, Conan the Barbarian gives us the origin of the titular character.  It doesn't begin there, though.  A prologue explains that many years ago, the sorcerers of Acheron made a mask from the bones of kings, fueled it with their own pure-blooded daughters, and bestowed unimaginable power upon the wearer of the mask; the "dark gods" gave the wearer of this bone chapeau enough power to conquer the world.  And yet...barbarian tribes defeated this godling.  Huh.  Maybe the power of the mask was to conquer the civilized world?  Whatever.  The heads of the barbarian tribes broke the mask into parts and each tribe guarded a different part.  Thousands of years later, Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang) comes a-calling and a-killing all the barbarian tribes, gathering up the mask's pieces.  The last tribe in his way are the Cimmerians, led by Corin (Ron Perlman).

Great casting!  Perlman was born to play barbarians and cavemen

Zym's army slaughters the barbarians and finds the last piece of the mask.  They leave only one Cimmerian alive --- Conan, Corin's son --- because they like his spunk.  With the mask complete, Zym doubtlessly conquers the world...

Maybe the mask can hide his male-pattern baldness

...Or not.  Twenty years later, Zym is a powerful king, but he has apparently been missing pure Acheron blood to fuel his bone-mask powers.  Meanwhile, Conan (Jason Momoa) has grown into a strapping lad with a fondness for killing powerful people and showing off his pecs. 

Only weaklings armor their chests

Conan has never stopped looking for the man who slaughtered his tribe.  Thankfully, this film doesn't focus on his twenty-odd years of fruitless searching.  Instead, we catch up with him as he recognizes a Zym underling and starts working his way up the food chain, so he can finally battle Zym and avenge his father.  Sure, the fate of the world rests in the balance and Conan has to prevent the last remaining pure-blood Acheron descendant  from falling into Zym's hands, but the important thing is that Conan is out to kill Zym.

The acting in Conan the Barbarian is about what you should expect from a movie about barbarians.  It's not great, but the dialogue and script are simple enough for that not to matter.  I thought Jason Momoa was pretty good as Conan; he showed a little bit of wit and mischief, but otherwise stuck to simple phrases and grunting.  How does he stack up against Schwarzenegger?  Well...it's not a big downgrade from Ahhnuld.  Momoa isn't as brutish, but he's also not as stupid; personally, I liked Momoa as Conan.

Arm armor and a sarong: as clothed as Conan gets

Stephen Lang wasn't a shallow, two-dimensional villain --- which was a surprise --- but he never really felt like a top-villain, so I was a little disappointed there.  Rose McGowan was suitably unsettling as Zym's creepy and incestuous daughter, which makes this my favorite McGowan role in over a decade.

What an unfortunate family hairline

Rachel Nichols plays the essential missing piece/love interest, and she was only mildly annoying; this is one of those characters that throws modern feminism into a movie set in a might-makes-right era, and that part of her character simply did not fit the film at all.

Also weird: she was clean and attractive

I thought Ron Perlman was pretty solid as Conan's father; he can sleepwalk his way through brutal fatherly roles like this and still be competent.  Saïd Taghmaoui played a fairly obnoxious ally to Conan; I would almost characterize him as a Rob Schneider to Momoa's Stallone, but he really isn't that terrible.  Nonso Anozie played Conan's pirate buddy, who apparently contributed next to nothing whenever fighting was involved.  Oh, and that is Morgan Freeman narrating.  Apparently, he got tired of penguins this year.

Not surprisingly, Conan the Barbarian is not a thinking man's movie.  At least the title hints at that fact.  The plot is pretty predictable, and there are many plot holes.  Perhaps the most irritating is the concept of a demigod getting defeated by barbarians, but Zym can exterminate them without the mask.  The plot is also suspiciously convenient.  Conan rescues a random dude, who turns out to be the one person who can sneak him into Zym's castle, Conan accidentally recues the one peson on Earth Zym needs to fulfill his evil plans, etc.  The story isn't bad, but it sure isn't very interesting.  I would also argue that the filmmakers misjudged their audience when they (essentially) made this Conan the Barbarian Begins.  Does anyone really care why Conan is slaughtering bad guys?  I don't think so.  They should have gone the Inigo Montoya route and simply cut out the opening fifteen minutes and just had Conan explain that he was hunting down the man who killed his father.  That would have taken maybe two minutes and spared us the adventures of Lil' Conan. 

But those are simply story choices.  Director Marcus Nispel is known for his horrible remakes of establishes franchises, but I have to admit that I liked most of his choices here.  The acting is certainly nothing special and the story was not exactly epic.  Nispel did manage to craft a sword and sorcery movie that delivered on the swords and the sorcery.  The action scenes were pretty solid, the special effects were pretty good --- especially the sand creatures --- and I thought the overall tone felt right for a Conan movie.

It's not racist to call them "sand people" if that's a literal description

I also enjoyed the amount of gratuitous nudity.  While not necessary at all, few dumb action movies suffer from a proliferation of naked breasts.  If you look at Conan the Barbarian as its own film and not a remake, you see a perfectly serviceable action movie, although nothing fantastic.  The lead actor is fairly charismatic, but a better script could have made him more enjoyably rough around the edges.  As a remake, though, this Conan suffers by comparison.  This Conan doesn't punch out a horse for humor.  This Conan's motto is "I live, I love, I slay, and I am content."  That sounds pretty cool, until you remember what the original Conan said was best in life: "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women."  Choice A is a nice one, but Choice B is simply bad-ass!  This remake doesn't quite match the humor or coolness of the original, but it doesn't dishonor its predecessor, either.  I wouldn't mind seeing another Momoa Conan, although I highly doubt that will happen.

This film gets a little extra credit for having Conan (predictably) save his love interest and then drop her off at the end of the movie, essentially saying "Later, I've got things to do and people to kill."