Rubber

A man stands on the side of a dirt road in the middle of the desert.  There are about a dozen wooden chairs placed seemingly at random in the road; no one is sitting in them , they are just...there.  A police car pulls onto the road, slowly drives toward the man and swerves to make sure it knocks over every last chair.  The car stops, the trunk opens, and a police officer emerges from the trunk to explain the film Rubber.  The theme of the movie, Officer Chad (Stephen Spinella) explains, is simple: no reason.  According to Chad, "all great films without exception contain an important element of 'no reason.'"  That makes Rubber an homage to no reason.

Rubber is the tale of Robert.  Robert is a tire.

Robert watching TV

Robert became sentient (Why?  No reason.) and animate and started rolling around on his own.  Oh, and he likes to destroy things.  If he can't crush them by rolling over them, he can vibrate and use his psychic powers to make them explode.  Like this:

So...yeah.  A sentient rubber tire with psychic murder abilities.  That's pretty stupid and extremely ridiculous.  Not that I mind a ridiculously stupid movie, but this one is perhaps the most intentionally stupid movies I have ever seen.   Just from this synopsis, you might assume that this movie was designed to fall in the so-bad-it's-good category (AKA Lefty Gold), and could be enjoyed with the company of alcohol.  In other words, this should be awesome!  Be warned, though: somebody is trying to be clever in the midst of all this stupidity.

The writer/director/cinematographer/editor of Rubber is Quentin Dupieux, and from what I have gathered from literally minutes of internet research is that he likes to make Statements with his films.  In Rubber, Dupieux appears to be mocking Hollywood's story conventions.  To do this, he wrote an astonishingly bad movie premise and found his own unique way to comment on how bad movies are.

This one, for instance, has a turkey bedroom scene

Let's go back to the beginning of the film.  Officer Chad's speech is not to the viewer at home, but to a group of viewers in the film itself.  That's right, this movie is metatheatrical.  ***Sigh***  The viewers are all annoying characters, whining about how they are bored or because they are hungry, or because some of them are talking too loud.  Luckily for you, the actual viewer, Officer Chad's sidekick murders them when he feeds them poisoned meat.

As for Officer Chad, he is both a character in this movie and an actor who knows that he is playing a character in the movie.  Dupieux plays with the notions of reality and fiction, audience and active inclusion for a while, and then the movie ends.

But not before this stand-off scene.  Really.

From a critical perspective, I have to admit that Dupieux shot a beautiful movie.  Wings Hauser turned in a solid performance as the least annoying audience member.  And...that's about it.  There's not a whole lot to recommend Rubber.  I will admit that I was expecting some true B-movie Lefty Gold when I decided to watch this (on the suggestion of my friend Peanut Butta), but that notion was erased by the opening scene.  This is a B-movie caught inside a pretentious film about audiences and narrative expectations.  Is it clever?  Sure, but it would have been far more enjoyable if the characters didn't constantly point out how clever the movie was.  What frustrates me most about Rubber is that I was moderately entertained for the first fifteen or twenty minutes; granted, it was entertainment based on me being confused and wondering what the hell was happening, but that's still entertainment.  After that point, I found the film alternately dull, stupid, and pretentious.  It got a hell of a lot worse for me when Officer Chad broke character and told everyone to go home.  Why would he do that?  Because he knows this is a shitty movie, and he wants it to be over with as much as you do.  That's why he had the audience killed; with no one watching, there is no need to pretend.  Unfortunately for everyone, Wings Hauser didn't die by turkey, so the story continues.

Now that I think about it, I wish Wings had died with the rest of the audience and the film ended when Chad wanted it to.  That might have been clever (and short) enough to overcome the self-congratulatory nature of this film.  Oh, what might have been...!  As it stands, though, Rubber pissed me off by managing to not make a fun stupid movie and then kept elbow-nudging me, asking if I "got it" over and over, until it finally ended.  This is a "love it" or "hate it" movie, and I sure some people will find the unexpected directorial intent juxtaposed with exploding heads to be mind-blowing.  I hope those people are either very young/stupid or drunk, and not just annoying hipsters.  Personally, I took Rubber to be a giant middle finger to anyone who decided to take a chance on a stupid movie.  Fuck you, too, Rubber.

Videodrome

Huh.  After reading the tagline to this film, I realized that you could substitute the title and tagline for the chorus of Soundgarden's "Superunknown."  You know..."Alive in the videodrome/ first it controls your mind/ and then it destroys your...sooooouuuul!"  Not that that has anything to do with anything.  I was just amusing myself.

Max (James Woods) is the president of a sleazy cable television channel that specializes in soft-core porn and excessive violence.  As glamorous as that life is, Max is always on the lookout for new shows to push the envelope and shock his desensitized viewers.  He's not picky about his sources, either; one day he gets called in to his team's pirate satellite room, where they hijack whatever programming they choose.  Here, Max first witnesses Videodrome.  It's a show where masked men beat/torture someone for hours.  It's brutal.  It's uncomfortable to watch.  It might even show real people really dying.  In fact, it's perfect for Max's channel!  For a while after Videodrome starts airing on Max's channel, things go pretty well for the man.  He makes a television appearance, gets some notoriety, and meets a new girlfriend (Deborah Harry) who enjoys violent/kinky sex.  Personally, I would be frightened by anyone who, in an erotic moment, asked "Wanna try some things?" and pulled out a knife.  I, however, am not James Woods.

"I want to put out my cigarettes on your flesh.  Does that make you horny?"

Around this time, things start to get weird.  Max begins to have hallucinations --- weird, trippy violent ones --- and he can't tell the difference between his visions and reality.  Oh, and he grows some sort of Betamax-sized vagina in his torso.

Ewww.

Basically, the more obsessed Max becomes with Videodrome, the more he learns about it.  The more he learns, the more surreal things get, and it becomes apparent that Max is a pawn in a larger conspiracy.  Just because he's a pawn doesn't make him helpless, though.

While not the strangest film I have ever seen, Videodrome is a weird experience.  James Woods is pretty decent in the lead role, although I found his "roll with the weirdness" attitude a little unbelievable; if I noticed that I had grown a stomach-vagina, I would go to the hospital.  James Woods, on the other hand, uses it as storage for his handgun.  Of course, with all the bizarre things that his character experiences in this movie, a certain amount of desensitization is inevitable, but I would have liked one moment where he appeared genuinely frightened.

Like, maybe when his gun grows into his arm

The rest of the actors are fairly odd.  Deborah Harry maintains lifeless eyes for most of her screen time, but I will admit that she didn't overact in a role that could have been pretty cheesy.  Jack Creley only appeared in the film as video playback, which explains why his delivery was noticeably odd; it fit the script, though, so I guess it's all okay.  The rest of the supporting cast was either mediocre or strange, depending on whether Max is hallucinating at the time.  It's hard to judge their performances due to that, but I think the acting fit the tone of the film.

For instance, no one reacted to this

The fact that Videodrome was written and directed by David Cronenberg should not come as a surprise to anyone familiar with his work.  It's bizarre and gory and has a plot that is designed to mess with your head, which were all his calling cards in the 1980s.

I believe that Cronenberg got exactly the performances he wanted from his cast, and the special effects are pretty cool, even after nearly thirty years.  Early Cronenberg was a master of disgusting (and yet awesome) gore, and the effects his team managed to create are some of the best of their time.

But here's the thing: the story didn't really appeal to me.  None of the characters acted or reacted realistically, so none of them are truly sympathetic.  These people are so far from the norm --- Max wants to air snuff films on cable television, and he's the hero --- that it's difficult to identify with them.  Since the characters aren't particularly likable, the buildup of the plot isn't as compelling as it should be.  Honestly, I found myself bored at times during the first half of the film.  I really enjoyed the hallucinogenic second half, and I like the story in broad terms, but the slow pace early on really hurts Videodrome.  This is definitely worth watching, but I wouldn't call it a classic.

I'm not sure what this says about me, but one of the most disturbing things I saw in this film was this male dancer's outfit.  Seriously, I stopped and rewound because I was laughing over the dialogue.

Gojira

AIEEE...!!!  I think that's how all references to Godzilla are supposed to be prefaced, right?  When I noticed that my friend, Judas Pato, was reviewing kaiju (AKA giant monster) movies on his site, I realized that I had never seen one.  That means that I have accidentally avoided Gamera, Rodan, Godzilla, and all the Mecha-whatevers that have graced B-movie screens over the past fifty years.  That's just not right.  I asked around, and Judas and Danny O'D recommended the original Gojira as the best place to start with kaijus (because it actually kind of has a story), so that's what I did.  It is important to point out the difference between Gojira and Godzilla, King of Monsters!  GKOM is the American version of the film, which heavily edits the original, dubs in English dialogue, and randomly inserts Raymond Burr (whose character is named "the famous Steve Martin") into the film.  Gojira is the original, uncut film classic.  AIEE!!!

Above: Raymond Burr ironing Godzilla

The scene: night.  The Pacific Ocean.  A Japanese fishing boat is filled with fishermen, who are either fishing, dawdling, or playing guitar.  Suddenly, there is a flash of light.  Then, something else happens.  And then there is more light.  And everybody screams.

Create the scene at home: look at this picture, look away, then scream!

Later, it appears that the ill-fated boat never reached land; rescue boats are sent out, but they also disappear.  This somehow garners intense public attention, so the Japanese government sends some scientists to a nearby island to investigate (missing boats.  On an island).  There, they find giant, radioactive footprints.  Who could leave such huge footprints, and what does that say about the size of his genitalia?  I'll give you a hint: it begins with "AIEEE!!!"

Godzilla loves playing peek-a-boo with hillsides

The monster is named Godzilla (I guess he had a name tag or something).  The leader of the scientific expedition, Dr. Yamane (Takashi Shimura), returns to Tokyo and announces that Godzilla was created (or possibly just awakened...or maybe released...) by a nuclear explosion.  After arguing whether or not to keep a giant dinosaur a secret from the Japanese people, the government publicly acknowledges the existence of Godzilla.  To celebrate this momentous occasion, they try to murder the beast with depth charges, as Godzilla napped in the ocean.  This starts Godzilla's love affair with Tokyo; he opts to visit Tokyo Bay every night for the next few days.  Sometimes he stomps around and knocks stuff over.  Sometimes he just wanders around and returns to the ocean.  But when the Japanese government tries to electrocute the beast with what appears to be standard power lines, that's when shit gets real.

Fun fact: the Godzilla suit required a valve to drain the sweat from it

Godzilla knocks over many toy car and even tries to eat a train (allowing all the passengers to leave first, though).  He also pulls out his secret weapon: Super Breath.  I think it's supposed to be fire breath, but sometimes it's just a strong wind, so I'm not 100% sure on that.  Regardless, what the hell kept him from using this earlier?  Obviously, Japan can't keep taking hits like this from a creature that Mother Nature should have killed off millennia ago.  The solution?  Sigh.  This is going to require some explanation.

As luck would have it, Dr. Yamane's daughter, Emiko (Momoko Kochi) is engaged to a brilliant scientist/pirate, Dr. Serizawa (Akihiko Hirata).  Unfortunately, Emiko wants to break off the engagement to marry Hideto (Akira Takarada), a salvage boat operator.  Thank goodness there is a romantic triangle in my movie about a man wearing rubber lizard suit!  Even better, the main character is the salvage boat operator!  His important position virtually guarantees that he will make an important policy decision/challenge Godzilla in hand-to-claw combat not do anything of consequence in this story.

Hideto (far right), in the middle of his big action scene

The pirate, Serizawa, has created an "Oxygen Destroyer," which could kill the monster; he initially refuses to use it as a weapon, because he created it to do good.  Exactly what "good" could come from something that "splits oxygen molecules into fluids," I don't know.  And the science behind that fluids statement is hurting my brain (it makes compounds from splitting molecules?  Maybe?).  More interesting, though, is the fact that this device was intended for some social benefit, and yet he named it the "Oxygen Destroyer."  That's like creating something intended to help children and naming it the "Baby Smotherer."  Now, you may wonder what happens when oxygen is destroyed; Serizawa was kind enough to test it out for the movie-going audience, and it appears that destroying the oxygen in a fish tank melts the flesh from their bones.  Of course it does.  Is this weapon ultimate enough to defeat Godzilla?  Only time will tell.

Pirate science is awesome

Gojira is not a movie you watch for the acting performances.  I'm not going to waste time criticizing the lackluster work from this cast; they all play second fiddle to a man in a rubber suit --- that should give you an idea of their talent levels.  I found it interesting that Takashi Shimura was in this film; Shimura acted in more movies with Akira Kurosawa than any other actor, so you would think that his filmography would lean a little more toward the artsy side of things than the ridiculous monster side, but I'm not going to criticize the man for having varied tastes.  Even though his character --- who reminds everyone of the dangers of nuclear weapons --- is fairly unnecessary, he still does the best acting in the film.

Yes, that's the idea!  If at first you don't succeed...!

There is another Gojira connection to the legendary Akira Kurosawa; this film's director, Ishiro Honda, was apparently best friends with Kurosawa.  While Honda's career as a director was almost entirely devoted to kaiju movies, he also worked as an assistant director and/or a director's aide on Kurosawa's early and late works.  Don't expect to see any of that influence on display in Gojira, though.  His direction (not to mention his screenplay) is confusing, ill-paced, and the film is comically underacted.  The special effects are not at all impressive, even by the standards of the time; if the tagline to the Christopher Reeve Superman was "You will believe a man can fly," then the tagline for Gojira should have been "You will believe that men can wear rubber suits."  I would rant about the monster's complete lack of motivation in the movie and its apparently short attention span, but No Bulljive already covered that in detail.

Judging Gojira objectively, I would have to say that it is a pretty bad movie.  This is a special effects film with bad special effects; it's difficult to overcome that problem.

Then again, this film can be pretty enjoyable if you approach it with the right mindset (and maybe a few drinks).  If you're in the mood to laugh at ridiculousness, look no further.  The plot and dialogue are hilariously inept, and if you enjoy pointing out logical flaws in a story, you will be kept busy.  That doesn't even cover how amusing it can be to watch Godzilla tearing apart a scale model of Tokyo. 

The chew toy scene was my favorite in the film

And is it just me, or is the fact that the English version of "Gojira" simply assumes that the Japanese word mispronounces its "L"s astonishingly racist?  Sure, it's funny, but damn...!  All in all, I think Gojira is a pretty fun watch, with the right mindset.  I give it a Lefty Gold rating of

Double Indemnity

Double Indemnity is quite possibly the best film ever made from an insurance term.  You might be justified in arguing that the competition isn't exactly stiff (unless someone made a thriller called "Water Damage: The Movie" and I missed it), but let's not pick nits.  Double Indemnity is a quintessential noir from the start of the film to the very last instant.

Walter Neff (Fred MacMurray) is an insurance salesman, and a damn good one, to boot.  When trying to renew an expiring car insurance policy, Walter meets the wife of his insurance holder, Phyllis (Barbara Stanwyck).  She makes quite the first impression, clad in only a bathrobe.  Why, you can almost see her knees!  Scandalous!

In the words of Yakko Warner, "Hellooooooo, nurse!"

There's really no reason for her to invite a strange man into her home, but that's what Phyllis does.  She and Walter engage in some harmless flirting for a while, until Phyllis finally reveals her motive.  She asks if there is a way to insure her husband's life without him knowing.  Realizing that unwittingly insured men are usually murdered by their benefactors, Walter more or less walks out in a huff, wanting nothing to do with the dirty business.  He's only human, though.  More specifically, he's only male; when Phyllis comes to his apartment and throws herself at him, Walter quickly agrees to mastermind a plot to murder her husband.  With his knowledge of the insurance claim business and her...um...what exactly does she bring to the table?... her love of murder (maybe?), this should be the perfect crime.

Does this look like MacMurray performing ventriloquism with a Stanwyck puppet?  No?  It's just me, then.

The casting of Fred MacMurray was an unusual choice in 1944; this was the first time he ever played anything other than a typical nice guy character.  For being his first time as a bad guy, I thought MacMurray did a very good job.  He was likable as a salesman, but his passion and naivety were logical extensions of his character.  Barbara Stanwyck was excellent as Double Indemnity's femme fatale.  Her job was to play an evil, manipulative bitch, and boy does she do good work.  I think what I liked best about her performance is how well Stanwyck hinted at Phyllis being...I don't know if "cheap" is the right word, but it's the best I can come up with right now.  Her gaudy wig, ill-fitting anklet, and dramatic gestures made it seem as though Phyllis had assumed a fictional persona in her own life; in her final showdown with Walter, her icy core shines through, and it is a treat.  The only other actor of consequence in the film is the legendary character actor Edward G. Robinson.  I haven't seen much of Robinson's early work, but I like seeing him play wickedly smart characters like he does here.  I think the script focuses too much on his "little man," but he was good as a thick-skinned character that secretly had a big heart.

MacMurray, seriously contemplating a sloppy kiss with Robinson.

I can't believe that this is the only Billy Wilder-directed movie I have seen.  Given his impressive list of credits, I suppose that's a shame on me, but I've seen (and loved) this movie a few times and never thought to look up Wilder's other credits.  Huh.  Wilder's style isn't too fancy --- aside from a few shots with extreme lighting, like the famous "venetian blind" shots --- but he keeps things interesting by maintaining an excellent pace.  It's not that he didn't capture some iconic shots, either; it just wasn't his focus. 

Such a great shot!

Every scene in Double Indemnity works and affects the story at large; while it may not be as stylized as other film noirs, it's hard to argue with a tightly scripted and shot movie.  Wilder got impressive performances from his two leads (who, in an odd coincidence, were Hollywood's highest-paid male and female actors at the time), even though neither was probably very comfortable with the idea of being so unlikable.  Wilder also co-wrote the screenplay with author Raymond Chandler.  The two men adopted James M. Cain's (the author of The Postman Always Rings Twice) novel, but Chandler wound up rewriting most of the dialogue and Wilder had to find ways around Hays Code; in the end, the film is very, very different from the book.  Personally, I prefer the film, especially with Chandler's crackling dialogue.

Double Indemnity is a classic film, and with good reason.  The acting and directing are great, the writing is sharp, and the story draws you in.  There are a few moments when the dialogue gets a little too unbelievable (Walter and Phyllis' car/sex banter, for example) and I'm not a big fan of narrative bookends on principle, but these flaws are so minute that they just add to the charm of this film.  Part of me wants to give it a perfect "10" rating, because it is fantastic, but I'm going to lowball it this time because it is missing something.  I'm not sure what, exactly, but I never rewind the film to re-watch a scene and I never quote the script.  It's damn good, but not quite one of my favorites.

The Green Berets

When I reviewed The Train last month, I realized that it was the first war movie I had watched in about a year.  I decided to amend my unbalanced film diet by filling up my Instant Queue with war movies and gathering my own collection of classic war DVDs together.  Despite the intention of going ahead and watching some of the true genre classics, I hit a snag: I really wasn't in the mood for a classic war movie.  I did, however, manage to watch The Green Berets.  Why did I opt to watch this one over, say, The Thin Red Line?  I'm not sure.  Maybe because I had never seen John Wayne outside of a Western?  Maybe because I have heard such strong opinions about the film, both for and against?  Or maybe I just didn't feel like watching a three-hour long film that would make me think.  Whatever my reasons were, in retrospect, I think they weren't good enough.

Green Beret Colonel Mike Kirby (John Wayne) is in Fort Bragg, preparing to ship out for another tour of Vietnam.  As he's preparing and selecting the men for his Special Forces unit, a tour is being conducted through the base for civilian reporters.  When the tour stops for a little Question-and-Answer session with some Green Berets, the (stinkin' liberal) reporters fire both proverbial barrels at the nice Green Berets.  Why is the US fighting another nation's war?  Why do we support a country with no constitution?  Why can't we let the South Vietnamese handle their own problems?  To answer, the Green Berets dump a bunch of weapons in front of the reporting crowd, proof that the Viet Cong are getting their weaponry from Czechoslovakia, China, and Russia --- all dirty Communist countries!  Well, I suppose it's proof, since we're kind of taking their word that A) the weapons really are from those countries and B) that the weapons really were captured in Vietnam.  But let's not open that door, because this movie is already over two hours long.  One reporter, George Beckworth (David Janssen), still isn't convinced that Vietnam is a necessary war for the US, and he tells Col. Kirby so; Kirby simply asks if Beckworth has seen the war firsthand, and dismisses him with contempt when Beckworth admits that he hasn't.  After that opening salvo, the film breaks up into two acts.  The first has Beckworth accompanying Kirby's team to Vietnam.  Will Beckworth learn the error of his ways?  Is changing the mind of a reporter really the point of this film?  The second act has Kirby and his men on a mission to kidnap a Viet Cong commander, who lives in splendor at the expense of the neighboring communities.  But at what cost?

Please tell me that George Takei's hat survives!

The acting in The Green Berets is about what you might expect from a war movie; many actors play small parts, and they are all suitably brave.  Jim Hutton provides the comic relief and the emotional weight in this story; he's not very good at either.  Aldo Ray plays Col. Kirby's right hand, and I think he did a pretty good job as a gung-ho soldier --- exasperation and deep emotions were beyond him, but I thought he fit the tone of the script very well.

Guess the emotion: constipation or mourning?

There are a few other recognizable supporting actors --- Bruce Cabot and son of the Duke Patrick Wayne --- but they play fairly interchangeable military guys.  It is interesting that Japanese-American actors Jack Soo and George Takei were the face of the South Vietnamese forces; while I thought both actors were decent enough, their casting struck me as a little odd (more on that later).  Of course, being a John Wayne movie, John Wayne is the main actor.  He was as traditionally John Wayne-y as you might expect.  He's too old to actually partake in any action scenes, but he is still pretty damn macho.  David Janssen's performance as the mean liberal reporter was decent, but his character was unintentionally hilarious.

John Wayne and special effects man Ray Kellogg share credit for directing The Green Berets, although it doesn't seem to be a secret that Mervyn LeRoy gave some uncredited help.  I'm not sure how I feel about the direction in this movie.  It is certainly not outstanding; the cinematography and the acting are nothing special.  This is a mostly competent directorial effort, I suppose, in the fact that this movie fits the style and tone of most war movies that had preceded it for the past two decades.  There are some critical problems, though, with the biggest being how incomprehensible the big battle scene at the fort is.  Let's just ignore how abruptly it switches from night to day and focus on the battle narrative itself; if it wasn't for the actors shouting "Fall back!" I would have never known that they were being overwhelmed by the Viet Cong.  That's a problem.

"Um...fall back!  We've got VC somewhere in the vicinity of this scene!"

Personally, I don't have much of a problem with The Green Berets being a pro-Vietnam War propaganda piece.  I don't agree with it, but I'm willing to listen.  It is worth noting that this is one of the few Vietnam War movies that casts the South Vietnamese army in a positive light.  It is also the only film about 'Nam I have seen that has no shades of grey; the soldiers are all heroes, happy to fight the enemy their government has assigned them, while the enemy are savage monsters that prey on the weak.  Why wouldn't America want in on a fight like that?  Right...?  After all, this is the only film that was made about Vietnam while the war was still in progress; if any movie sets the record straight about how the war really was, it should be The Green Berets.

"I think it's time to win this war.  Set phasers to 'boomsplosion'"

And yet, it is not.  You can begin to pick away at the problems with The Green Berets early and often.  I'm pretty sure Vietnam has jungles, or at least tropical plants.  This film has pine trees and the actors don't appear to be sweating at all.  The film wants so badly to show this war in a patriotic light, but it undercuts itself frequently.  For example, if the filmmakers wanted to make the South Vietnamese forces more credible, they should have cast Vietnamese actors; casting two actors of Japanese heritage seems to imply that the American audience won't care which Asian people they are supposed to root for.  And did they have to name the child character "Ham Chuck"?  If you ever wished you could see a really offensive version of Short Round, just watch a few of Ham Chuck's scenes.  Ugh.  The production values aren't great, either.  There is a helicopter crash (which everyone survived) that clearly showed a model chopper on fire.  The film's score insults the intelligence of the viewer, too.  If you're not sure whether you are supposed to be laughing, frowning, or feeling patriotic, don't worry --- The Green Berets provides musical cues, so you don't have to think!

The biggest problem with The Green Berets is not that it is a blatant and heavy-handed pro-war propaganda piece.  No, the problem is that it takes an issue that was famously complicated and uses machismo and patriotism to make its point.  If you question the message, then you are a coward who hates brave soldiers that are risking their lives.  That sort of rhetoric just pisses me off.  This could have been the film that John Wayne clearly wanted it to be --- a film that showed how brave American soldiers are and how important the fight against international Communism is.  Instead, he just takes cheap shots at civilian critics and dehumanizes the Viet Cong.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Wayne, that I doubted the usefulness of this conflict."

I could have handled The Green Berets if it ended when the reporter changed his attitude about the war (oh, I'm sorry...SPOILER) and claimed that he would lose his job if he tried to publish pro-war news articles.  Never mind that the comedy relief included in the film isn't even wah-wah worthy, or that American soldiers don't die in battle.  The first half is quaint and purposefully anachronistic, but it's somewhat decent at what it wants to do.  The second act is completely unnecessary and just stretches the story out past the point where anyone could possibly care about these bland characters.  It's all capped off by one of the biggest bullshit closing lines of all time.  On the one hand, I admire The Green Berets for going balls to the wall with its patriotic premise.  On the other hand, I hate being insulted by a bad movie.