|Probably not a porno, despite the tagline.|
|I cannot WAIT for Robot Wars!|
You might be wondering why I know so much about these three movies. No, I did not watch all three movies and then choose to watch the crossover event that nobody asked for. I'm fairly certain that would have made me sterile. This movie has about eight to fifteen minutes of flashback time devoted to each film. Dollman vs. Demonic Toys is only 64 minutes long, so that means that between a third and half of the film is devoted to learning the all-important back story for these well-developed characters. If you look at this in terms of efficiency, I learned about four movies that, individually, are no doubt unwatchable. But I did so in a little over an hour, which is like watching four ineptly made fifteen-minute mini-movies, or an average night of Adult Swim programming.
I think I can safely ignore the acting quality of Dollman AKA Brick Bardo , Officer Judith, and Nurse Ginger, right? Aside from them, DvDT features the acting talents of Phil Fondacaro, who you might remember as the Ewok in Return of the Jedi that died...that's right...he was the one wearing the teddy bear suit. Director Charles Band is perhaps best known for his work in films family films like Evil Bong II: King Bong, and I think his work speaks for itself without my "analysis." Let's just revel in the awesome story here, okay?
Officer Judith has been spending all her time staking out the toy warehouse where the demonic toys were last seen when a homeless man accidentally falls through the roof of the warehouse. He dusts himself off, admires his warm and dry new hangout, and does what anyone would do if they were trespassing on private property that obviously has a security guard --- he finds a tricycle and rides it around the warehouse, honking the horn and making lots of noise. And, like all warehouses, there are many items organized on shelves, out of their packaging and plugged in. Anyway, homeless Joe rides his trike into a cardboard box, which causes another box to fall and hit him on the head, instantly killing him. It looked and sounded like an empty box, but those corners can be sharp. I wouldn't have thought that a box would kill him after he fell through the roof without any damage, but I guess I learned something today. As his corpse hits the ground, homeless Joe's head empties the several gallons of red syrup that we all keep in our noggins. The "blood" touches a particular cardboard box, which allows the demonic toys to suddenly appear, thanks to the healing power of sugar. Officer Judith (I'll just call her OJ from now on) runs in, guns blazing, but forgets that she was the only person that saw Demonic Toys; the other police that show up and the security guard think she's nuts, which leads to her being suspended from her job. Put yourself in OJ's shoes. What would your next step be? If you answered "track down an eleven-inch-tall woman," you are
Meanwhile, Brick Bardo is on a quest to find the only woman his size, to let her know that "she's not alone." Great. She has one choice in men, and he's actually an alien. Lucky gal. And let's be clear --- there is never a moment of doubt that Brick is going to lay (see what I did there?) Nurse Ginger. She's kind of ditzy, he's kind of noir-hero-ish --- the end result is never in question. Anyway, OJ finds these two and, for some unknown reason, never asks Nurse Ginger (who was the only one of the two she was tracking) for help. Instead, she asks the thirteen-inch-tall Brick Bardo. What can he do that any normal-sized person cannot? Aside from chasing the demonic toys inside vents, nothing. Obviously, Dollman and Ginger join forces with OJ to fight the evil toys.
And in case that quick summary doesn't entice you, here are some of the film's highlights:
- The evil Baby Oopsie Daisy explains the toys' plot as follows: Oopsie Daisy will rape Nurse Ginger, impregnate her, and the baby will serve as a vessel for the toys demonic master.
- Yes, the plot hinges on a miniature woman being raped by a baby doll. And impregnated.
- In a fight sequence against an evil GI Joe figure, Dollman reaches for a weapon and finds a hockey stick...in his size. Hmm...
- The GI Joe figure absolutely, positively does NOT look like a grown man wearing an ill-fitting helmet/mask.
- Dollman has a powerful space gun. He shoots it all the time. And his ammo is made from...Unexplainedium?
- To set the mood for mayhem, Baby Oopsie Daisy puts on a bitchin' rock 'n' roll record. I bet you didn't know they made turntables scaled down to baby doll size. I bet you also didn't know that the records available for such a small player would be contemporary rock music, instead of lullabies.
- When Baby Oopsie Daisy is preparing to get sexy with Ginger, we see several shots to show the scale of the doll to Ginger; he's enormous and she's not. To keep the illusion of the actors' size difference, there are several shots of Oopsie Daisy's hands pawing at Ginger. These fake hands are not at all made of balloons or shiny foam.
Lefty Gold rating of