What better way to finish my
month of horror reviews than with the culmination of the two biggest horror franchises ever? I have already reviewed most of the
Nightmare on Elm Street films and the majority of the
Friday the 13th franchise, so it should come as no surprise that I was intently looking forward to
Freddy vs. Jason
when it initially hit theaters. Neither series had been genuinely
scary in over a decade at that point, and it had been even longer since
either series had made a quality film, but I went in with ridiculously
high expectations. After all, it's called "Freddy vs. Jason;" how can
you screw that up?!? The plot is in the title, ferchrissake!!! Then
again,
Alien vs. Predator sucked, so it is possible to fumble a touchdown.
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"Hike!" |
Freddy vs. Jason takes place after
Jason Goes to Hell and
Freddy's Dead.
In case you were wondering, the current status quo for both characters
is deceased; of course, that's normal for both characters, so it should
be no surprise that they can come back. Now, if you are unfamiliar with
either Jason Voorhies and/or Freddy Kreuger, I'll give you a quick
series catch-up. Jason, a mass murderer in the Crystal Lake area, has
been dead and buried several times over the years; for his last five
films, he has been a nigh-unstoppable murder-zombie with skin of varying
Naugahyde-type textures. He kills in a variety of ways, but he loves
stabbing best of all, especially when he can do it to naughty teens.
Freddy was a child murderer in life, but he became a dream demon in
death; he loves to kill teens --- it's never explained why he graduated
from children to teens --- but needs them to fear him to gain access to
their dreams, where he makes his attacks. Clearly, these two could
probably bond over coffee and murder tales, but the title requires a
fight, so let's find out how they get there.
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Stabbing a dude with his own weapon is always awesome |
This opus begins in Hell, which apparently isn't as full of flames as you may have been led to believe. Freddy Kreuger (
Robert Englund)
gives the camera a quick recap of his history, concluding that the
parents on Elm Street (his old haunt) have found a way to keep him
forgotten in the minds of their children. That means Freddy is stuck in
Hell, which gives Freddy a frowny face emoticon. I'm not exactly sure
why he's upset, since he's a freaking
dream demon,
but maybe he just wants some more sweet, sweet dream murdering. How
will Freddy remind the kids of his evil-osity? Obviously, he won't
infest the dreams of the dozens of adults who remember him. That just
wouldn't make any sense. Instead, he tracks down the soul of Jason
Voorhies in Hell and (disguised as his Momma Voorhies) convinces Jason
to return to life and do some killing on Elm Street. Interestingly,
Jason's Hell consists of him murdering promiscuous teens. Is this film
taking the daring stance that murderers go to Hell and get their own
twisted eternal reward? Of course not; the director and screenwriters
are just hacks. Another interesting point: apparently, Elm Street and
Crystal Lake must be located fairly close together, because Jason seems
to walk there rather quickly. Unless, of course, he hitchhiked
in-between scenes; if so, I wish that was included in the extras,
because it could have been fabulous. Anyways, Jason starts stalking Elm
Street, finds some naughty kids, and starts a-stabbin'. The local cops
try to keep mum on their suspicions, but word gets to the kids that
some dude named Freddy is the suspect. And so it begins...!
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"Heeeeere's Freddy!" |
As always, it appears that a small group
of teens is the center for all the trouble. As always, the "teens" are
actually twentysomethings, but that's an issue for another day. This
time around, it happens to be Lori (
Monica Keena) and her friends, Kia (
Kelly Rowland) and Big Dumb Tits (
Katharine Isabelle).
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What the Hell is going on behind her? |
Why them? It's hard to tell. If Freddy was in the
driving wheel, I would argue that he picked them because Lori lives in
the same house that his foes from the first three
Nightmares lived
in. However, it was Jason doing the choosing this time; I think it was
because the house was filled with naughty teens, drinking the booze and
having the premarital sex. Being a stealthy predator, Jason sneaks
into the house, gets upstairs unnoticed, waits for Big Dumb Tits to take
a post-sex shower, and then neatly stabs and folds her boyfriend.
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Impressive. That's not a hide-a-way bed, either. |
This is just the first of many murders (at least
fourteen confirmed kills, with another half-dozen presumed dead at the
cornfield rave). Freddy enjoys his resurgent reputation at first, but
Jason doesn't stop killing. What's the problem with that? Good
question, one that is not directly answered by the filmmakers. It
appears that Jason killed someone Freddy was toying with, which set
Freddy off to kill Jason, so he could have the kids to himself. Is that
convoluted enough for you? It gets better. Lori and her friends
figure out exactly what is going on in this movie in a scene that would
make Velma from Scooby-Doo proud.
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"It makes sense, in a way" - actual hilarious quote from this scene |
So what does the Scooby gang do next? They have an
unstoppable zombie-ish killer on their hands, and if they sleep, a dream
demon will get them. The plan is to somehow (with the help of the
anti-dream drug Hypnocil) stay awake long enough to get Jason to fight
Freddy, and not get killed in the process. In classic slasher movie
style, that turns out to be a tall order for most of the cast.
How's
the acting? **pause for several minutes of uncontrollable laughter**
It's "special." Robert Englund is Freddy once again, and he is
obviously loving every minute on camera. He hams it up quite a bit ---
this is definitely Vegas Freddy at his best --- but is still the main
attraction, as far as acting goes. Jason was played in this film by
stuntman
Ken Kirzinger,
and he stabbed things in a satisfactory manner. The rest of the cast
is pretty wretched. Monica Keena, while pretty and busty, has trouble
conveying sadness, anger, fright, frustration, and happiness; she does
do a pretty good Grover impression during the last few minutes of the
film.
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"Pooping face!" |
Kelly Rowland made her film debut here, and it's full of one-liner put-downs that wouldn't intimidate fourth graders.
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Actual line: "Got yer nose!" |
I did love her death scene, though. Katharine
Isabelle is also pretty and busty (although that's a body double in the
shower), but her character is really goddamned stupid.
Jason Ritter, while whiny, is probably the best supporting actor in the cast.
Chris Marquette plays the resident nerd character, like he always does in movies.
Lochlyn Munroe plays the police officer who, against all reason, opts to team up with a group of idiot teenagers.
Tom Butler is suitably untrustworthy as Lori's father/the anti-Freddy plot mastermind. Also, the dead guy in the bathtub is
Zack Ward, who was the yellow-eyed bastard bully, Scott Farkus, in
A Christmas Story.
How's the direction? Well,
Ronny Yu had success revitalizing the
Child's Play series, so it makes sense that he was hired to make
Freddy vs. Jason. Yu is a terrible director, but he knows how to make bad movies enjoyable.
Freddy vs. Jason,
while not campy or terribly self-aware, is not too serious. Instead,
it is a fun slasher romp that does its best to give the audience what it
wants, the stuff that was promised by the title. Yu's talents are not
of the technical variety, though. There is a lot of bad editing and Yu
clearly doesn't have a solid grasp on how to use POV camera shots, much
less the imagination and talent to provide subtle hints when characters
have started to dream. If you pretend that Yu is a master director, the
film is even more entertaining. I was a Teacher's Aide for a film
studies class that I had never taken, so I was asked to write a paper on
a scene of my choice, explaining the meaning through the cinematography
and direction. It was the funniest thing I have ever written.
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I seriously wrote a 13-page paper on this three-minute scene |
For instance, in the above scene, Jason beheaded a
guy while his son slept next to him on the bench. Jason must have then
cleaned up the mess, carefully balanced the severed head back on the
neck (so it could fall into the son's hands), and snuck away to wait for
junior to wake from dream land. Jason is quite the prankster,
especially if you pretend that Ronny Yu meant for the scene to be
interpreted like that.
Since this is a slasher
flick, I should probably mention the special effects. The practical
effects are all pretty solid. Limbs are lost, arterial blood mist
covers many a scene, and the kills are almost all pretty
awesome-looking. Since this is a
Nightmare on Elm Street movie,
that also means that there are many opportunities to use effects to get
surreal and creepy. Some of these are handled very well, like the faces
on the missing child posters or the eyeless child.
When
the filmmakers get too reliant on CGI, though, things take a quick turn
toward the ridiculous. Kia's nose removal looks pretty bad, but the
"winner" in this area has to be the hookah-smoking Freddy-caterpillar.
It looks like a cartoon, which is bad enough, but it is intended to
intrigue a stoner enough to follow it into another room --- and it
works! Stupid writing + stupid CGI creature = worst scene in the movie.
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Thank goodness it has facial burns. I wouldn't know it was evil without them. |
So the plot is incomprehensible, the acting sucks, and the directing is inept. How good is
Freddy vs Jason? It is, quite possibly, the most perfect movie ever made.In his book,
Mike Nelson's Movie Megacheese, the co-creator of
Mystery Science Theater 3000 argues that
Road House is the best film of all time, because it knew exactly what it was. Similarly,
Freddy vs. Jason
has no misconceptions; this is a stupid slasher movie designed to
entertain through a collection of on-screen murders that are stitched
together with a flimsy excuse for a plot.
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Bottom left: my personal favorite "death face" in the movie |
No one will ever debate that fact. As such, the
ridiculous ease with which the clueless teens manage to decipher
Freddy's evil plan is absolutely perfect; it would have taken an
imaginative screenwriter six months to connect the dots of this bullshit
plot. Does the audience want to see the characters struggle to figure
out the plot, which would draw attention to its ludicrousness? Of
course not! We want to see Freddy fighting Jason, dammit!
The
plot point that I have the most fun with is definitely Lori's comment:
"Freddy died by fire and Jason died by water. How can we use that?"
The quick answer should be "Um, you can't," but the film likes the idea
and decides that Jason is afraid of water --- even though he spends a
hell of a lot of time in Camp Crystal Lake --- and Freddy is
afraid of fire apparently left unaffected by whatever killed him.
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So afraid of water that it makes him kill? |
How stupid is that concept? I get it, I get it, they
need something for Jason to fear to let Freddy into his dreams,
but...water? Really? I would have gone with mommy dearest.
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Shouldn't this protect Jason from Freddy, then? |
On the other hand, this movie gets a lot
of things legitimately right. I absolutely love Robert Englund's facial
expressions when he realizes that he has been brought into the real
world and is going to fight Jason. That mix of confusion and fear was
perfect. I also liked that Freddy combats Jason with his cleverness,
which is well within his normal character range. I'm okay with Freddy
taking advantage of his smaller size and speed against the lumbering
giant that is Jason, but he was almost ninja-like in this movie. It
makes sense, even if it isn't based on his established character at
all. Being a Jason fan, I was also pleased that he had nineteen kills
to Freddy's one in this movie.
Of course, you can
argue that Freddy and Jason have no real reason to fight. If Jason
keeps killing, it's not going to prevent people from talking about
Freddy, right? Quiet, you. The excuse for this premise is necessarily
stupid, but that was never in question.
Freddy vs. Jason works
so well because it lives up to its premise without sweating the
details. I thought this was a lot of fun the first time I saw it, but
in the last thirty or forty times I have viewed it, I have noticed more
and more "idiosyncrasies" in the plot. That might devalue it for some
--- and I totally understand that --- but it just adds to the charm for
me. I can't possibly be objective when reviewing this piece of art, but
I will concede that it is a piece of
Lefty Gold. Does it deserve the love I give it? Absolutely not, but love isn't always rational.
I
came very close to not watching this movie in time for my month of
horror reviews. I consolidated my DVD collection into binders a few
years ago, and when I turned to the "F" section, I had an empty spot
where
Freddy vs. Jason should have been. Who would I have lent
it to? Who wouldn't have returned it? Who needs to die?!? Luckily, I
remembered that I got my
FvJ copy as part of my four-disc
Nightmare on Elm Street collection, so it was on the flip side of
New Nightmare.
That wasn't very interesting, but I shared anyway. Speaking of
sharing, here's a list of ridiculously stupid moments that I love in
Freddy vs. Jason:
- Teens on Elm Street have absolutely no problem scoring alcohol below the legal drinking age
- Big Dumb Tits, after a few drinks, is going to drive to the liquor
store for more beer, claiming she is "totally below the limit." Except
that every state has some sort of Zero Tolerance law for underage kids
drinking and driving.
- Big Dumb Tits has sex with the bedroom door open in Lori's house,
with other people in the house. Afterwards, her boyfriend refuses to
cuddle because he "hates being touched after."
So...much...awesome...badness...!!!
- Lori's friends want her to have sex because she hasn't had a
boyfriend since she was fourteen. Sure, her boyfriend mysteriously
disappeared and her mother died in a tragic accident at the time, but
the obvious cure for emotional distress is a hot meat injection. By the
way, she can't be older than eighteen in this movie.
- Sometimes, editing in post-production leaves in special effects
without explaining them. Case in point: the snakes on the bathroom
floor. Deleted scenes show how they got there, but the theatrical
version just cuts to the floor and, whoa, snakes.
- The stabbing and crushing of one body, beheading of another and stab
wound-caused death is called a sort of "Columbine thing"? I don't even
know where to start with that one.
- While trying to research Freddy Kreuger at the library, the records
appear heavily edited. The researching character's response: "January
18th. That's the day my brother committed suicide [in a Freddy-related
way]. Why isn't that in here?" Probably because it would have been
reported in the January 19th paper.
- The teens motor around in a van with a wizard on the side and black
lights in the back. While that's awesome, the owner of the van has been
dead for years and his little brother has been committed to the psych
ward. What kind of parents keep that thing in pristine shape?
- They have a rave in a cornfield. They all deserve to die.
- My favorite raver is Powerman 5000-looking punk rock dude. Punk
rockers love glow sticks. And rape. I learn everything from movies.
- After the rave massacre, the surviving kids agree to go home instead
of the police. Because, you know, one of their friends was murdered
and they all need sleep.
- The legend of Jason Voorhies has him returning from the grave to
kill anyone at Camp Crystal Lake. Except...he was alive when he did
that in Part II...and then he visited the camp in Part VI, but didn't
kill any children...so...I'm going to call that legend incorrect.
- The police officer explains the legend of Jason dying and coming
back to kill again. Obviously, we're dealing with a copycat killer.
The nerd says, "no, I saw what he can do, this is the real thing."
Because he knows his undead murderers.
- Hypnocil bottles call for a 1000:1 dilution. That's practical.
- Freddy asks Jason, "Why won't you die?!?" Maybe because he's an unkillable zombie murder machine?
- The nerd charges at Jason, wielding an American flag as a weapon.
Sadly, the "Star-Spangled Banner" is not playing in the background.
- Apparently, blood loss is supposed to be a problem for Freddy and
Jason, based on how much attention it gets from the camera. Never mind
that they are undead killers, back from beyond the grave.
- You're
a stoner, trying to stay awake as you break-and-enter into a secure
facility with a police officer. What do you say? "Time for a 'J'
break"? Really? Really?!?
- "'One, two, Freddy's coming for you.' You know why they say that? Because that's when he comes for you." Um...at "one, two"?