Yes. A thousand times, yes! The glory of Bulletproof is not merely that single line, but 93 minutes of ridiculous action movie silliness that is blissfully unaware of how incredibly, laughably stupid it is. You might worry that an entire movie's worth of enjoyment cannot come with just one "butthorn" comment. You're wrong, but just to put your mind at ease, I'll let you in on a secret: it's not just the one comment.
So what is Bulletproof about, aside from butthorns? It's the story of "Bulletproof" McBain (Gary Busey), a reckless cop who is also a semi-retired secret ops agent because of course he is. The film opens with him on a stakeout with his older partner (Thalmus Rasulala), who implies that he is too old for this shit. They're on the lookout for a potential illegal arms deal, and the first hint that the deal is going down comes from a limousine and an ice cream truck that drive into an abandoned warehouse.
|Don't try to justify that logic. You will hurt yourself.|
- McBain avoids being inured by a rocket launcher that was fired at him from across a room.
- "I think we blew him up!" "You don't blow up a dude like McBain!"
- A car chase involving an ice cream truck filled with weapons instead of ice cream.
- Multiple 360° spins during the car chase.
- The longest grenade fuse (or whatever determines when grenades explode) ever caught on film.
- McBain's boss arriving at the crime scene, looking around and saying "Well, I guess you had to be there," before secretly complimenting McBain on his work.
|"I'll be Ernie, if you'll be Bert. Oh, rubber ducky, I'm awfully fond of you...sexually!"|
|Perhaps "Bullet Magnet" would have been a better title|
|I love that the Russian has to wear a fur hat in the Mexican desert so we know where he is from|
How is the acting in Bulletproof? Predictably ridiculous. Gary Busey leads the way, and I found myself enjoying his over-the-top performance. It isn't actually good, but it was fun to watch. Some actors would look terrible in a role that required them to spout horrendous dialogue and be a complete asshole to any character they don't kill first. Not Busey. He was as believable in this role as anybody could be.
|And yes, the urge you feel to punch his teeth in is perfectly normal|
|"Nice costume. The beret really sells the whole 'Arabic terrorist' thing"|
Steve Carver's direction is not too bad, from a technical standpoint. I mean, sure, he edited out the explanation of why the US government wanted McBain to single-handedly attack terrorists on foreign soil. And yes, he was responsible for some of the most unintentionally funny flashback scenes I have ever seen. My favorite was the one where McBain's lying in bed, shirtless, cuddling with his saxophone, and then he flashes back to the time when he wooed his girlfriend by playing the sax on the beach --- and the soundtrack to his dream was clearly not what he was playing on the beach.
|Boy, I certainly am convinced that Busey can play the saxophone|
|Yes, you heard that right. A spool.|
|That is absolutely Gary Busey. I recognize that shirt.|
What makes Bulletproof more than just a bad movie is the incomprehensible script. This story was written by the team that brought us Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, but doesn't make quite as much sense. This movie doesn't feel like something written by completely sane adults. It's more like the fever ramblings of a six-year-old, doped up on Nyquil. What else can explain the fact that Gary Busey is more deadly with a revolver than with a tank (that, for some reason, has cubicle chairs and a coffee maker)?
- The password to let McBain know who to team up with in Mexico, on his quest to recapture the Thunderblast, is...wait for it..."Thunderblast."
- Actual comeback, part 1: "Yeah...your FACE!"
- Actual comeback, part 2: the Arabic terrorist is told to go "fuck his camel."
- The Russians recognize McBain by his nickname, "Bulletproof."
- After it's all over, McBain has to drive the tank back to America, though the border patrol. And they just look confused.
|"What the hell, butthorns? You know this is worth $5, MAX!"|
From the completely unreasonable perspective of Lefty Gold, Bulletproof is so hilariously bad that I watched it twice, back-to-back, before returning the rental. If you're in the mood for stupid, I cannot recommend this any higher.