Planet of the Apes (1968)

This review was prompted by a request from DJ Hates You at No Bulljive.  I had no intention of revisiting this classic for a while, but I was reminded that the upcoming Rise of the Planet of the Apes was just around the corner.  So, here we are.  Here's a tidbit that I found interesting: Netflix describes Planet of the Apes as a "camp classic."  While there are certainly many chuckle-worthy moments in the film, I don't think it falls into the camp genre.  Then again, I had this song stuck in my head for two hours after watching the movie:


In the far-flung future of 1972, faster than light speeds are not only possible, they have been implemented in NASA spaceships.  George Taylor (Charlton Heston) and his fellow astronauts have achieved the objective of their space mission (to...go somewhere for...something?), and they are going into a hibernation sleep with the expectation of arriving back on Earth sometime around 2040.  Who would volunteer for a mission that --- best case scenario --- turns you into a person without friends, family, or a place in society?  Astronauts, apparently.  Asshole astronauts, specifically, in Taylor's case.  He seems to revel in pointing out his crew's position ("everything you know is dust," he mocks) whenever he can.  Well, something went wrong.  Instead of arriving home in 2040, they crash on an unknown planet, with the spaceship clock reading 3978 AD.  Whoops.  Someone overslept. The planet they crashed on has a breathable atmosphere, but is very different from our world.  Here, humans (or something like them) are mute, cavemen-ish beings, and apes are the dominant species, walking on two legs, wearing clothes, speaking, and all that jazz.  If I had to describe this concept in a house-related metaphor, I would call it a "madhouse."  A MAAAAAD HOOOUUUUUSE!!!

So...where does all the leather clothing come from?

Anyway, one thing leads to another and Taylor and his astronaut buddies are ambushed, along with a tribe of mute humanoids, by apes; one of the astronauts dies and Taylor's vocal cords are injured in the attack.  The captured people are brought to some scientists for study.  Here, Taylor draws the attention of Zira (Kim Hunter) and Cornelius (Roddy McDowall) because he can clearly understand them and communicate, even without his voice.  The very concept of an intelligent human is too much for the ape government, though, and they make moves to have Taylor castrated and/or lobotomized.  What does the ape power structure have to fear from a single alien humanoid?

Sad fact: Roddy McDowall would be typecast as an ape, due to his clear ape ancestry.

Sure, I can understand the possibility of  Planet of the Apes being campy.  There are a lot --- a lot --- of unintentionally hilarious moments.  I love that Taylor is abrasive and mocks any sense of hope that his crew members might have in the beginning of the movie --- that's true leadership.  I also laughed when the astronauts found their first sign of life on this strange planet, a small plant, and they dig it up; it's like they were trying to say, "We found life!  Let's kill it!"  It's also silly that the astronauts found proof of intelligent creatures (the scarecrows) in an area and immediately opted to all get naked and swim.  It amused me that a movie that insisted on a man-ape kiss...

...would also have movie posters vilifying the concept of man-woman sex.

I don't really see the whole "forced to mate" tag line as a problem.  Zira wants to reward Taylor for his intelligence, so she has a beautiful and, surprisingly, not too hairy woman (Linda Harrison) placed in his cage.  Taylor seems insulted that he is being offered sex as a reward, but I have a feeling that a more realistic reaction would have been along the lines of "I'll have sex with this beautiful woman, but not just to please you apes."  Also unbelievable is the scene where Taylor runs and climbs circles around a city of apes.  Really?  He's better at climbing than them?  Well, I guess that's slightly more believable than the ape society of 3978 AD speaking (and writing) in 20th-century English.

The acting in Planet of the Apes doesn't help the silly tone any.  Charlton Heston is not exactly an understated thespian, especially in films that are supposed to be larger than life.  Aside from his inexplicably dickish behavior to his fellow astronauts, I was fine with Heston's overacting; he has so many classic lines in this movie and I can't imagine anyone delivering them better.  I will say that Heston is the worst fake mime I have ever seen.  Sadly, he's pretty much the only cast member that is allowed to emote.  Linda Harrison did a good job as a sexy cavewoman-ish lady, but it's not like that was a role that required much.  The chimpanzees, played by Roddy McDowall and Kim Hunter, were fairly expressionless in their prosthetic facial makeup.  The orangutans, Dr. Zaius (Maurice Evans) and James Whitmore (Brooks from The Shawshank Redemption) were a little better.  I actually like the Dr. Zaius character, if only because he's believably complex; he's probably the most well-rounded character in the film.

Maurice Evans' honest-to-goodness IMDb profile picture

I'm not really sure how to gauge Franklin J. Schaffner's direction in this movie.  The script is filled with dozens of eye-roll-worthy references to 60s culture and bits that are supposed to point out how similar the ape society is to ours, and the makeup (while impressive for the time) inhibits almost all of the acting in the movie.  And the acting that isn't hampered by makeup is the ridiculously macho performance from Heston.  Something about Planet of the Apes makes me want to argue that Schaffner did a good job, though.  For as silly as movie is at times, it is able to maintain an epic scope that isn't hurt by the silly costumes or over-the-top dialogue.  It helps that the score is pretty cool, even if it is melodramatic, but I think this director had a vision for this movie and made it happen.

Is Planet of the Apes subtle or thought-provoking?  Not especially.  The two things that everyone that sees this film can agree on is that it is epic, and it is science fiction.  Even with the abundance of silliness in this movie, there is something kind of awesome about how everyone in this movie just goes with the flow.  As much as I find Heston's lines (especially the "damned dirty apes" one) to be funny, I also find them genuinely effective.  This is a movie that should be, by all rights, absolutely awful.  It's called Planet of the damned dirty Apes, after all!  However, it is keeps a pretty quick pace, and keeps any philosophical notions about the nature of man as minor plot points that don't hamper the adventure.  I don't know if it's actually a good movie, but I find it pretty entertaining.

Here's my favorite Planet of the Apes reference, via The Simpsons.  In my opinion, I would have rather seen this musical than the Tim Burton remake.  Apparently, the internet is a little scarce on English-language embeddable Simpsons clips.

Double Trouble (1992)

I just can't help myself sometimes.  Look at this movie poster; there is absolutely no chance that this is a decent movie.  The movie was clearly made to exploit the "hilarity" that comes from being twins, in the grand tradition of the Olsen twins and those obnoxious kids from Big Daddy.  But how can we tell these twins apart?  That's a good question, because audiences are really stupid.  Luckily, that is one question that the filmmakers took into account when making Double Trouble.  You see, one of the brothers dresses in suits (very common with obvious bodybuilders), while the other one wears torn jeans and...is that a belly-baring men's sweatshirt?  It most certainly is.  Well, if nothing else, at least that will make this movie unique.

Meet David Jade (David Paul), a super cop.  Not a police officer or detective, a cop.  David is apparently working on burglaries when he and his partner make a sweet bust and catch a cat burglar in the act. But...the cat burglar looks just like David!  WHA HOPPENED?!?!?  Meet Peter Jade (Peter Paul), David's good-for-nothing brother.  At first, it looks like it's just a coincidence that Peter is even in this movie; this is a movie about a cop investigating burglaries, and David already caught Peter in the act, so it's on to the next crime, right?  Right.  And that next crime is international diamond smuggling.  Sadly, David's streetwise and sassy token black partner died on the job that week, so David is in need of help.  That's when Captain O'Brien (James "Scottie" Doohan from Star Trek) assigns David a new partner: his brother!  No way!  Yes way.  No WAY!  Yes WAY!  NO WAY!  YES WAY!  I'm sorry, that exchange was supposed to have quotation marks around it, since it was lifted directly from the film.  Yes way.  Will these two complete opposites be able to stop the smuggling of these diamonds, or will they kill each other first?  Yes, to the first question, sadly no to the second.

It's not worth your time to nitpick the lack of acting or directing in this movie.  Director John Paragon has stayed away from directing, for the most part (although he did direct the Paul brothers in Twin Sitters, too, where the twins apparently baby sit another set of twins.  Genius!), so I think he learned his lesson after this.  The Paul brothers, also known as the Barbarian Brothers, are certainly not the most accomplished of actors.  I will give them credit where they're due; with their muscular physiques, they could have been in any number of bad action movies.  Instead, they opted to star in a bad action-comedy, which requires bad jokes and bad action.  It's twice the work, and that takes vision.  Or arrogance.  The recognizable actors in the cast (David Carradine, Lewis Arquette, Timothy Stack and Roddy McDowall) make the Pauls look absolutely amateurish by comparison, but against the rest of the film's supporting cast, they don't look half bad.


I would like to point out that Peter Jade's burglary equipment bears a shocking resemblance to Wolverine's Weapon X headgear.  I can't seem to find any stills of Jade from the movie, so you'll either have to take my word for it, or rent this VHS, because it never made the leap to DVD.  If you're still not sure whether you want to watch this, check out the trailer.  It's worth noting that the phrase "ready for the violence" accompanies a shot of David Paul punching a guy through a swing set.

Is this movie worth your time?  Definitely not, unless it's 3:30 AM and you're looking for something simple enough to follow when you're only half-awake.  The Paul brothers are not stuntmen, so their action scenes are usually less than impressive, and they are certainly not comedians, so their jokes fall flat more often than not.  But, when I was watching them awkwardly swing their barrel-shaped arms while chasing down bad guys, somehow not being hit by the bullets being fired at them (how do you miss these guys?), with their mullets flapping behind them, I couldn't help but smile a little bit.  The action is bad, the acting is bad, the jokes are bad, but the Pauls are actually kind of endearing.  I don't know how to explain it...I guess I equate their appeal to watching the Special Olympics --- you know that they're dealing with some sort of handicap and cannot compete on a professional level, but you root for them because they're clearly overcoming adversity.  That said, Special Olympians are an inspiration for us all, while the Paul brothers are just bad actors with a desire to share their muscles with the world.  That doesn't make up for this movie's numerous glaring flaws, but it's almost certainly better than New York Minute, and that alone has to be worth something.