Halloween H20: 20 Years Later

I'm not a huge fan of the Halloween franchise.  It's not that I dislike the premise or anything, I just never got around to seeing most of the sequels.  The original film is still one of the best horror movies ever made, and Halloween II was an entertaining, but mediocre, slasher flick.  From what I've heard from fans of the series, the fourth, fifth and sixth entries are pretty ridiculous, which might explain Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later.  The seventh movie in the series is a direct sequel to Halloween II, and completely ignores the existence of any films that occurred between II and this one.  I was considering watching Halloween III and Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers this month, but a direct sequel to movies I enjoyed seems like a much better idea.

Pictured: pages 3-42 of the script

It is almost Halloween in 1998, twenty years after Michael Myers returned to his Haddenfield, Illinois home and killed a bunch of people for no particular reason.  One of the survivors was his sister, Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis); while she managed to avoid being killed on that Halloween night, she knows that Michael's body was never found.  In the intervening years, it seems that Laurie has faked her own death and moved on with her life.  She now lives in sunny California as a teacher in an expensive prep school.  Not surprisingly, she is not well-adjusted and self-medicates with pills and alcohol to cope with the fear of Michael tracking her down again.  But she's just being silly, isn't she?  It's been twenty years!  What kind of person would wait twenty years, staying under the radar all that time, before making a second attempt?  Maybe the kind of person who waited fifteen years after his first killing to strike a second time.  Hey...Michael Myers is that kind of person!  Laurie starts to calm down a bit, but she realizes that she was seventeen when Michael first attacked her.  So what?  Well, her son, John (Josh Hartnett, in his film debut) just turned seventeen!  OMG!  That means Michael must be on his way to kill them both right now!!!

***knock, knock***    "Um, somebody order a pizza?"

Wait...what?  Is that the actual logic behind this film?  Is is?!?  Good lord.  The film opens with Michael breaking into the home of the late Dr. Loomis's nurse (Nancy Stephens, resuming her role from the first two films) and ransacking her confidential patient records, which she inexplicably keeps in her home office.  There, Michael presumably discovers a) that Laurie is alive b) her new name and location and c) that she has a son, who just turned seventeen.  So, if you put any thought into it at all, the whole "my son is seventeen, and so was I when Michael attacked me" bit is more of a coincidence than anything else.  And exactly what has Michael Myers been up to for the last twenty years?  Since nobody has heard from him in two decades, I'll assume that he hasn't been killing his way across America.  No, I think we have to presume that Michael Myers has settled down, found a creepy woman who bore him some creepy kids.  This just seems like an older man, trying to reclaim his youthful glory; Michael is forty-one in this, after all.  Maybe he was listening to his favorite band, Pulp (that's a little-known and completely made-up Myers fact), in 1998 and this song really clicked with him.

So Michael went into his closet, dug out his old mask and jumpsuit and found that they still fit.  It was finally the day where he took the time to accomplish the one thing in life that he has never gotten around to: murdering his little sister.

First reactions to this script

Okay, maybe the premise this time around is a little weaker than usual.  While that is disgraceful (especially comparatively), at least they came up with a (poor) reason for bringing Jamie Lee Curtis back into the fold.  While never what I would call a fantastic actress, she is quite good here.  Her scream queen lungs still work quite well, and age makes her determination seem more plausible and mature when she decides to face Michael head-on.  As for the rest of the cast, Adam Arkin seemed fairly reasonable as Laurie's boyfriend, which is quite an accomplishment in a film like this.  LL Cool J was pretty awful as the world's least effective security guard/romance novelist; it's not that his character was annoying, he was just a truly awful security guard.

You're so fired

Josh Hartnett was decent enough as a high school kid who apparently cuts his own hair and wears a school uniform that is two sizes too big for him, but he was definitely the best part of the young cast.  Michelle Williams, Adam Hann-Byrd, Jodi Lyn O'Keefe, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt were all just movie stereotypes: the nice girl, the horny guy, the alternative rock chick, and the stupid skater, respectively.

"I could be so much more, if you only gave me a chance!"  I know.  I'm sorry.

There could have been dozens more underdeveloped characters in this film, but the story --- which features Michael Myers infiltrating a prep school and killing everyone he finds --- opts to send most of the students off on a field trip for Halloween.  Reducing the possible number of victims is always a bewildering choice in a slasher movie, just like having Janet Leigh make a cameo and not scream.

How do you not want to kill her in your movie?  It's not like a shower scene is mandatory!

Director Steve Miner was responsible for a lot of stupidity in Halloween H20, but there were some good moments, too.  Joseph Gordon-Levitt's death was one of the more entertaining I have seen in this franchise, and I really liked that the nurse, who shouldn't be expecting any Michael Myers trouble, was totally on her A-game and didn't fall for the typical slasher movie cliches.  Sure, she died anyway, but her character seemed a hell of a lot smarter than most of the victims I have seen in this series.  While the body count was small (just six dead) and the nudity was non-existent, I thought Miner crafted a respectable slasher pic with the tools he had available.  Some scenes, like Michael trying to kill Harnett and Williams through a gate, even looked pretty cool.  But for every cool idea, something lame popped up to counter it.  I disagree with the choice to bring back and prominently use the "Mr. Sandman" song (first used in Halloween II).  I also thought the fate of LL Cool J's character undermined a super-cool scene.  More than anything else, though, I tired of the recuperation skills of Michael Myers.  The man takes an axe wound, six stab wounds, falls from a balcony, gets his by a car, crashes through a windshield, and is crushed between a tree and an automobile --- and it still able to attack, without any hint of taking damage.  I know that this is kind of Michael's "thing," but if there was ever a time to update a character, it is in the film that ignores most of the character's history.

Despite all the stupidity, I managed to enjoy Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later.  It is certainly not groundbreaking, or even good, but I was entertained.  I laughed at the story logic, I enjoyed the kills, and I felt that the adult acting in the movie was some of the best of its type in this subgenre.  In fact, I would rate this the best Halloween sequel to date.  Of course, I have only seen one other Halloween sequel...

Friday the 13th Part 3D

If you're thinking to yourself "I loved seeing Avatar in theaters...I bet Friday the 13th Part 3D will be even better," then I have some mixed news for you.  First, this movie is better because no Smurfs die in it.  Unfortunately, though, the 3D in this movie is vintage 80s 3D, where the killer's knife will stab at the screen --- in 3D!  Whoa!  Here is a list of some of the less awesome things that went 3D in this film:

• The opening credits
• Marijuana
• Wallet
• Yo-yo
• Juggling
• Popcorn
• Girl crotch (not sexual --- it's kind of used as a weapon)

So...yeah.  This movie takes place the day after the events of Part II.  If you haven't seen the other movies in the series, what do you need to know?  Jason Voorhees is a mass murderer that targets teens that bother his peace in the woods outside Camp Crystal Lake.  If that doesn't bring you up to date, then the six-minute recap of the last six minutes of Part II will.  Jason apparently survived his conflict with a not terribly attractive blonde girl and scampered off into the woods.  He was smart enough not to return to his poorly constructed shack and instead heads to a neighboring town that appears to be a few minutes away from Crystal Lake.  Jason's refuge of choice happens to be the barn at a vacation home that is currently in use.  Way to lie low, buddy.  Jason has managed to change his clothes between movies and also gained some muscle mass (the actor changed to stuntman Richard Brooker), so don't expect him to be nursing his wounds for too long in the barn.

The kids in this movie are just a group of friends that are trying to have a fun weekend.  Well, most of them are trying to have fun.  The main girl apparently is trying to face her fears; two summers before, she was attacked by a deformed man-monster in the woods (hmm...who could that be?) outside that very vacation home.  Along for the ride is her former boyfriend, who is classy enough to constantly pressure a clearly traumatized girl into sex, despite not having seen her for over a year.  There is also a pathetic fat kid, marking the first (but certainly not the last) time in this series that a fat person was included in the script for humor purposes.  The kids try to come to terms with their sexuality, drug use, and (in one case) their tendency to be attacked by deformed man-monsters in this heart-warming coming-of-age tale.

Let's focus on the positives first.  This slasher flick had twelve fatalities, including one where Jason kills a guy, as he walks on his hands, with a machete through the crotch that I swear reached his ribs.  That was pretty awesome.  I liked the transition from the last film, where Jason was more of a prowler, to this film, where he clearly becomes a predator.  I also appreciate his complete lack of motivation.  It's a slasher movie.  I don't need reasons for the blood and gore, but if you offer one, it had better be good; this movie decides to avoid reasoning entirely.  This movie is also noteworthy for being the first Friday to feature Jason with his signature hockey mask.  He apparently became very attached to that accessory, since it has rarely left his face since.  This film is also the first in the series to have a clearly minor character realize that a killer was on the loose; it didn't help her, but it does add some spice to things.

Despite those bright points, this isn't a particularly good slasher movie.  Yes, the body count is good, and yes there is some brief nudity, but there are early signs that this film will underwhelm.  The first clue is the fact that there is a skinny dipping scene that happens off camera so we can see the fat annoying kid whine about being fat and annoying.  Don't worry, he dies later.  Actually this is the character that gives Jason his mask; well, "gives" may be a strong word, but Jason takes the hockey mask from the corpse of the fat kid after fattie wears it with a wetsuit to scare somebody.  A hockey mask with a wetsuit for water-related shenanigans...no, it doesn't make sense, but there's no hockey in the summer, so how else can you incorporate a hockey mask?  I mean, besides any other way.  Another sign that this isn't a good movie is the inclusion of a biker gang that consists of three rednecks in their mid-thirties.  There are also a lot of inconsistencies with Jason's strength.  He throws a 200+ pound man through a window with apparent ease, but literally seconds later, Jason gets hurt by books falling on him.  Does that make this an allegory for the destructive power of ignorance?  And the only way to combat ignorance is through knowledge?  Um, sure.  And, contrary to popular opinion, hammocks are not comedy gold.  I don't care how many people walk into a bedroom that has a hammock and ask, "where's the bed?" it's still not funny. 

This movie takes place only hours after the events in Part II, which (by my logic) sets the date for this film as Saturday, June 14, 1986.  So, Jason has a major knife wound (at least three inches deep) in his shoulder and he decides to rest for a while and heal.  The biker gang and kids start to wander into the barn where he's hiding and he has to kill them; it's self defense.  But, when you kill most of a group of friends, you might as well complete the set, because you know they'll just wind up wandering through the woods at night, calling their boyfriend's name.  Really, Jason was just being thorough here.

I wish the filmmakers were as thorough.  They should not have bothered with the back story for the main girl; it almost seems like Jason went to her abandoned family vacation home not to heal, but to finish the job he started two years ago.  And they never even reveal why Jason didn't kill her in their first encounter, which is an annoying plot hole.  Steve Miner's directing certainly didn't help the terrible acting (especially the fat kid), but the cinematography isn't nearly as bad as the last film.  I think my least favorite part about the movie (aside from that stupid fat kid) was Jason unmasked.  Here is a drawing that I did in less than two minutes on my computer.

Compare it to an actual screen shot from the movie.  I bet you think the screen shot looks way better than my drawing, but guess what, hot shot?  I lied!  The link is to my drawing and the above picture is the screen shot!  Now, you're probably thinking, why does Jason look like a cross between a demon pig and a terrible bit of child art?  I don't have a good answer for you.

While certainly not the best movie in the series, Friday the 13th Part 3D isn't awful.  What keeps this from being a good slasher film, though --- despite all the problems I have listed --- is the pacing.  Jason doesn't really do anything except lurk in the barn until the biker gang shows up.  This is the third movie in the series, everyone knows who the killer is, so building suspense is pointless.  Just get to the killing already!  Don't waste my time with annoying characters and back story that doesn't really involve the killer, just start chopping!

And no, I did not just copy-and-paste Roger Ebert's review for this post.

Friday the 13th Part II

"The body count continues..."?  No, the tag line to this film should be "It begins...!"  Friday the 13th Part II is the film that introduces audiences to slasher movie villain extraordinaire Jason Voorhees for the first time as an adult.  In retrospect, it is damned odd that Jason ended up being such a popular character; you don't usually get the face of a franchise in the second movie in the series.  Crazier things have happened, though --- Friday the 13th Part V, I'm looking at you.

The movie opens with a six minutes of footage from Part I, showing new viewers how Alice (Adrienne King) managed to protect herself and kill the psychotic Pamela Voorhees.  This practice of assuming that a sequel has attracted enough viewers unfamiliar with the series to require an extensive flashback is pretty common in horror movies (see every Saw sequel.  No, wait...they're awful), and this might be the first to take such lengths to explain plot points that most audiences don't care about.  You see, Alice has been having a rough time since the events in Part I; she's been having nightmares and isolating herself because she's having trouble trusting people.  There's a reason she should have these problems; someone (named Jason) has tracked her down to her home and he's gonna get some killing done.  But first, he calls her and hangs up when she picks up.  This clues her in to search her house for an intruder...

Quick side note, folks.  Wouldn't the killer (named Jason) have to be calling from another phone line, like a neighbor's or a payphone, to dial Alice's number?  It's not like they had cell phones in 1981.  And yet, the phone rings, and suddenly she feels that the unidentified caller must be in her house?  As the head dinosaur wrangler from Jurassic Park would say, "Clever girl."

He plays around with her, though, hiding in her apartment until she opens her refrigerator and finds Pam Voorhees' severed head next to her milk --- then she gets a heaping dose of vitamin ice pick administered to her temple.

Five years later, a new group of counselors are preparing to get trained at a new summer camp that is near the old Camp Crystal Lake.  The group is not very well defined, so you don't have to worry about accidentally caring about any of the characters.  The only one who actually gets to display more than one dimension is Ginny (Amy Steel), and even she is not especially likable.  Speaking of unlikable, the head counselor (and Ginny's love interest) gives the female counselors this advice to avoid bear attacks: "Keep clean."  Yes, that is a menstrual blood reference, and no it's not hilarious.  By this time, Jason Voorhees has become a campfire spooky story.  Why he is the scary story and not his maniac mother, I don't know.  Regardless, this camp group is the first to stay near Crystal Lake since Pamela Voorhees bloodied up the place.  According to the campfire tale, Jason never died, but lived in the woods --- instead of with his mother for some reason --- and lived off of roots and berries until he witnessed his mother's death and took revenge on her killer...and he will use lethal force to keep strangers out of his wildnerness for more unexplained reasons that (let's be honest) are not important to this movie's target audience.  Well...that's certainly a jump in logic from movie to movie.  Still, it establishes Jason as the mysterious killer from the first scenes and kind of sort of explains why Jason is not a drowned child corpse, so there's that.  Eventually, the night before the children show up, the counselors have one last night of freedom before they have to work and they want to go into town to party.  Apparently, all these teens are 21, because they are all served at the bar.  Six stay behind to watch the camp, and that is when Jason strikes.  I think you can figure out what happens next.  After these suckers die, the head counselor and Ginny return.  Ginny has a pretty good head on her shoulders and immediately notices something is very wrong.  Is she clever enough to avoid death by Jason?  Do you care, or do you just want to see a blood and boobies?

That's what I thought.  This Friday's body count was ten (although one is implied); aside from the campers, Jason kills a police officer, the local nut who liked to tell people they were doomed, and Alice.  The kills were decent, but nothing fantastic.  As far as nudity goes, this movie's a little odd.  Yes, there is nudity, and no, it's not Kevin Bacon again.  However, there are a few instances where the scene called for some sort of undressing and it wasn't shown.  I'm old enough to buy pornography, so nudity-free movies do not bother me, but this movie has a full frontal scene; it's just incongruous for a movie with a skinny dipping night swimming scene to shy away from another character getting changed into "something more comfortable" before having sex.  It's not a big deal, but it is strange enough to pull me out of the movie for a moment, and that's never a good sign.

So, this is Jason's first appearance, and it's...honestly, a little underwhelming.  Sure, he does have an awesome kill (knife through the head of a paraplegic), but the premise of Jason as a retarded hobo (please note that Ginny called Jason retarded, I called him a hobo) is kind of silly.  I don't like Jason's character design --- when you finally see him without a sack over his head, he looks like a cross between Sloth and Eric Stoltz in Mask.  And if he's been living in the woods for all this time, how does he have clean clothes that fit him and nice boots?  You might reason that Jason inherited his mother's belongings, but if the local folks aren't sure he exists, then he must have never lived at home after his alleged drowning.  That makes no sense, but whatever.  This movie also marks a few tendencies that are not seen in the rest of Jason's movies.  As the first kill shows us, Jason can use a phone.  He also has a garrote wire on him whenever local crazy guys need killing.  Oh, and sticking a knife into his shoulder will slow him down for a moment, but a kick to the groin knocks him down for a few minutes.  I'm not saying that I can handle a groin shot (or a stab wound) better than Jason, but I would expect him to be a little less sensitive.

The acting in this movie is pretty wretched throughout.  I liked Steve Daskawisz as Jason well enough, even if he is clearly the least physically intimidating actor to play the part.  The rest of the actors...well, let's just say that I wasn't sad when any of their characters died.  The direction in this movie is just awful.  I don't think I'm asking a lot of a slasher movie that uses the camera as the killer's point of view to actually use it as the killer's POV.  There are so many times where the camera shots go from standard to handheld POV shots, but are just fake outs for the eventual Jason attack.  I don't like being faked out, but I can live with that in a movie like this; this was director Steve Miner's first film, and he was certainly no Hitchcock.  What I can't stand is when the POV shots are used to clearly indicate the killer and the killer is in the scene, but could not possibly avoid being seen by the other characters.  Oh, look, there's half of a branch in the way as a nubile teen looks directly into the camera, which is supposed to represent the eyes of the killer.  Unless the tree's fruit is homicidal maniacs, then a single branch should be enough to blend in.  Oh, look, the camera POV is hiding from behind a tree as counselors are walking toward it...and then the POV camera sees Jason walk after the kids, but he crosses in front of the tree; so, the cameraman was behind the tree, Jason was chillin' next to the tree (because he clearly wasn't hiding behind it), and all the counselors are wandering around, making notes like "Okay, to get to the archery range, just go past cabin three, down the path, and take a left at Jason."

One last comment: I would like to point out that this film takes place five years after the first film.  The first film took place on June 13, 1980 and Alice disappeared from her home "a few months later."  I'm going to make a huge assumption that the townspeople's claims of it being "quiet for five years" means that they have had at least five years of murder-free day camps.  Since the counselors are being trained to run a summer camp, this should be taking place at the end of May or the beginning of July.  Add all that to the fact that 1986 had June 13 on a Friday, and I think we have our date.  Why do I care?  Any time a franchise takes the effort to clearly establish their time line, I feel it is only courteous to pay attention to it.  I don't really have a good reason for it, but I assume it will help me mock the series in later reviews. 

I will give this movie some credit for being a solid (if typical) slasher pic, but the cinematography was some of the worst I've seen in a widely released movie.  Despite this being the dawn of the Jason era of slasher flicks, I have to downgrade it to a