Shark Night 3D opens with a hot chick in a bikini doing...something...in the water by a lake. I would say she was treading water, or bobbing around, but she was definitely only in the water up to her ribs, so...maybe she was jazzercising? Whatever. The camera keeps cutting to an underwater view, getting closer and closer until AAAA! ...Oh, it was just her boyfriend. Scary. After the boyfriend reminds the audience that this is PG-13 --- he takes her top off and throws it away, as she remains unexposed in the water --- the girl is killed by something underwater. It's hard to say what, though. Sure, the movie title would imply a shark, but she is in shallow water and you don't see a fin. It's also hard to figure out what body part of hers is being pulled as she thrashes in the water. From the above-water shots, it looks like something has got her leg, but the underwater shots clearly show her legs unmolested. Maybe it's a ghost shark? Whatever. She served her purpose.
|Shark bait! Moo-ha-ha!|
|It didn't attack for food...is this a hate crime?|
|"OMG, it's a shark! Now...bend over a little more..."|
|Example of "food supply"|
I don't even know where to begin discussing with Shark Night 3D. The acting, maybe? Well, there isn't much of it. To be completely honest, I wasn't bothered by any of the actors. I thought everyone played their parts about as well as the script asked for.
|It didn't ask for much, though|
|Casper Van Dien?|
Director David R. Ellis has always been a hack, and Shark Night 3D is just the same old thing for him, only with 3D effects. Ellis' movies have always had an R-rating to make them at least exploitative enough to be occasionally enjoyable, but he was definitely limited by the PG-13 rating. I don't have a problem with PG-13 horror movies, in theory. But they can't be made the same way that R-rated horror movies are, since they can't show the same things. While I truly believe that a shark attack movie without gore is pure idiocy, this could have worked if Ellis had tried to build suspense or built a mystery. He didn't. He went for sensational ridiculousness because that is what he knows best, but the film's rating makes his shocks and scares feel cheap.
|A possible mystery: why is the shark wearing lipstick?|
Of course, no one expected Shark Night 3D to actually be a good movie. The goal was for this to be an entertaining movie, and it does have its moments. The highlights:
- The shark breaching the water to kill the jetski rider was hilariousAnd that's where most people's highlights would end. But there are those who would watch this movie hoping to make it into a fun movie to get drunk to --- I get that impulse, too, sometimes. Shark Night 3D is not the droid you're looking for, though. Yes, the reasoning for why there are sharks in the lake is absolutely hilarious on a conceptual level. Yes, the behavior of the sharks is amusingly unnatural; if you can do the math to explain how a shark could time the jetski death*, I will be forever thankful if you explain it in the comments. Yes, there are more than a few moments where you will wonder whether or not something was intentional in this film.
- Main guy to douchey guy who is a nude model for art classes: "I had the pleasure of sketching your genitals every Tuesday and Thursday"
Douchey guy: "You're welcome"
|Accidental, or really racist? You decide|
* Okay, so this guy is speeding on a jetski, being chased by sharks, right? Right. He turns to look back, and when he looks ahead again, he sees a gigantic shark breaching the water ahead of him and jumping right for him. The combination of his speed in one direction and the shark's in the other works perfectly to kill the jetski rider. But look closer at the scene: