There are three important things you can take from the promotional poster for Bless the Child. First and foremost, there is a "child" that "just turned six," so we have a horror movie with a child actor. Not necessarily a bad sign, but worth noting. Second, the word "bless" and the upside-down(-ish) crucifix of light imply that this is a story that will deal with Christian (probably Catholic) beliefs. That means demons, the devil and/or possession; given the large number of crappy possession movies out there, that should set off a warning light. Finally, the tagline "Mankind's last hope just turned six" tells us that the advertising team did not have anything cool in the script to draw from. To put that in perspective, Leprechaun: In the Hood has the tagline "Evil's in the house." I think it's safe to say that this is going to be a rough one to watch.
Bless the Child begins with Maggie (Kim Basinger) coming home after a long day of nurse work. Waiting on her front stoop,
though, is a bum. Maggie does her best to shoo the bum away, but it
turns out that the bum is actually her sister, Jenna (Angela Bettis)! Jenna has always been the black sheep of the family, and it's been years
since the two have seen each other. So, Jenna, how're you doing?
Yeesh. Not so well, it seems. The titular child that needs blessing
happens to be Jenna's. Jenna appears to be homeless and jobless, with a heroin habit and a
brand-new baby from an unknown father. On the other hand, it looks like
she lost the baby weight ridiculously fast. Well, that's heroin for you. After some clumsy exposition where the two family members make sure to
explain their motives and history out loud to each other, Jenna shouts
"not it" (not really) and scrambles out into the streets, leaving Maggie
to raise the infant on her own (really). Fast-forward a
few years and the infant is now Cody (Holliston Coleman), a six-year-old
autistic child. And if you've seen enough movies, then you know that
"autistic" is interchangeable with "unique." In Cody's case, she is able
to do all sorts of cool stuff, like spin things with her mind and raise
the dead. Oddly enough, adults seem oblivious to these talents, probably because they're common symptoms of autism.
Maggie only appears to be impressed with Cody's ability to
chase away her boyfriends.
"I know you look like Kim Basinger and all, but women who care about kids are a major turn-off. Later."
Meanwhile, local police have been baffled by a number of child murders in the area. An FBI occult expert, Agent Travis (Jimmy Smits),
believes that the murders have been made in a ritualistic, Satan-worshiping kind of way. But why? And how are they getting all
these six-year-old kids?
"Hey kid, do you want a nice, warm bowl of murder?"
That is when Jenna shows up again, cleaned up and with a rich husband in tow. Her husband, Eric (Rufus Sewell),
is the multimillionaire leader of a child outreach group/satanic cult, which doesn't sound like it should be a lucrative profession.
"Most of my money comes from pleasuring hobos"
Jenna and Eric want custody of Cody. But Cody doesn't even know them, much less trust them or feel safe around them. Eric gives Maggie an ultimatum --- if she fights them, he will crush her in court. But if she considers giving them custody, they will steal away Cody when she's not looking. They're tough negotiators. Why do Jenna and Eric want Cody so badly, all of a sudden? What's the deal with all the dead kids? Is it important that Cody has the same birthday as them? And why does Cody appear to have super-spinning powers? Let's just say that someone born on that particular day, six years ago, might be a child of God. Does that clear everything up? No? Tough.
Basinger, after the script hit her on the head with Christ parallels
The acting in Bless the Child should, for the most part, be varnished to keep it from harm while you try to destroy your copy of the movie. Kim Basinger is bland, at best, in the lead role. It almost feels like
she doesn't understand English, and she just memorized her lines
phonetically; she would say "we're out of milk" with the same emphasis
as "a naked man is wearing a horse carcass in my bathroom." Maybe she thought her character was unfamiliar with the concept of human emotions, or maybe Basinger is a bad actress. Rufus
Sewell, who typically relishes villain roles, isn't much better. His
problem is that his character is supposed to be evil, and Sewell
sleepwalks through the scenes where he is killing and drugging folks. He
puts most of his effort into the scenes where he tries (and fails) to out-argue a
six-year-old. As far as evil goes, that's some pretty minor league stuff, Mr. Movie Villain. Jimmy Smits is actually okay, but I question the
likelihood of a single FBI agent having the freedom to follow whatever
cases he likes. What is this, The X-Files? Christina Ricci also makes a brief appearance as a
former cult member. She gives the best performance in the movie, and she isn't even that impressive. She just spoke like a rational person.
"Seriously, it's not that hard. What's wrong with the rest of you?"
Ian Holm has an even smaller part, and is gone after a handfull of
lines. As for the rest of the allegedly main cast, Angela Bettis is
uniformly awful and alters her performance significantly in every scene
she is in. Little Holliston Coleman is fine as far as child actors go,
but her role is more of an object than a character, so she doesn't make a
great impact on the film, one way or the other.
Bless the Child was directed by Chuck Russell, who was presumably hired for his horror-directing experience. I don't know what to say about his direction. Well, I
don't know what nice things I can say about his direction. Just because the man is a veteran in the genre doesn't mean he has the slightest clue as to how a supernatural horror movie should work. The acting is
all over the place, from incredibly bland to inappropriately manic, to
hilariously melodramatic. The action is handled poorly and
unconvincingly; Russell apparently believes that severing heads doesn't
get messy until the head falls off the body.
Look ma, no arterial spray!
The pacing is abysmal. How
long would it take for a complete stranger to convince you to kidnap a
child from her wealthy and powerful rightful parents? If you answered
anything longer than "two minutes," then you are simply not qualified to
direct Bless the Child. Let me put it to you another way; in a movie about ritual worship and devil worshipers, the scariest thing is a ginger with an afro.
He sees the world with his dark eye and the nether realm with the pale one
There are two conventional ways for a supernatural horror movie to be frightening. Either a supernatural being shows up and starts some shit, or humans acting on behalf of a creature do some extraordinarily reprehensible stuff, like eating human hearts or something like that. Bless the Child opts for "C: None of the Above." Sure, there is some dabbling in both of those key areas, but the otherworldly do little damage and the most reprehensible things in the script happen completely off-camera. There are only three on-screen deaths before the climax of this movie. One is a bum who is set on fire, another is a dude who gets knitting needles in his eyes, and the other is the victim of allergies (assuming she was allergic to blunt force trauma and knives). None of these are mysterious, creepy, or show any direct connection to the supernatural stuff that is happening in the rest of the movie. It doesn't fit the tone that the film is failing to set.
Bless the Child isn't just a bad movie, though. It is thoroughly and
unintentionally ridiculous. Let's take the cult as an example. It is
most popular with teens and twentysomethings, which makes sense, because
most parents support their child's aspirations to someday drink the
Kool-Aid. What I love to laugh at with the cult is that the kids --- the
ones on the inner circle, anyway --- all dress in black, wear trench coats, and have bad haircuts. Because nothing says "join our cult"
like surly teens dressed like Bauhaus fans. The logic of the cult members is
hilarious, too. There's a fire in a church at the climax of the movie,
and some serious shit goes down. Apparently, though, nobody left the
burning building until the police showed up; some even stayed in the
fire, apparently so they could jump out and get shot by cops. Nothing tops the
arguments between Eric and Cody, though. Eric wants Cody to accept the
Devil as her buddy because God doesn't exist (because one existing
without the other makes total sense). How does he plan to force this six-year-old to join his side? Not by
threatening to kill the only mother Cody has ever known. Not by
promising to reunite her with the biological mother that she has never
seen. Not even through something primal and ugly, like mutilation. No,
Eric tries to convince her
through logic. And fails miserably.
This was in response to her saying "You first." Honest.
Dude. She's six. If you can't change
a six-year-old's mind, how the hell do you run a cult? There are all
sorts of idiotic moments in Bless the Child, and their silliness is the
only thing that makes this movie bearable.
Oh, and you know how a real horror movie would have the bad guys try to
kill Maggie? They would probably chain her up, or feed her to a demon
or something awesome. Not in this movie. No, these jerks capture her, drug her, place her in a car and stage a car accident. But they don't kill her and then fix the car to drive off a cliff, or anything reasonably simple like that.
Maggie, explaining the way they should have killed her
Instead, they set it up so that Maggie's car is speeding across a bridge during rush hour in the wrong lane; Maggie (who was drugged, but not killed) wakes up just in time to swerve out of traffic, and a nice stranger helps her not plummet to her death in the water below. Think about that for a few moments. Yes, it's kind of a waste for a complete random to be the one who saves Maggie, but that's not what irks me about this part. These cult punks are complete morons (which might explain their involvement in a cult...). First of all, Maggie is drugged, but they skimped on the knockout juice? That's incompetent, but I suppose waste not, want not; if she had died, they could save the drugs they saved on their next Oscar-winning victim. The choice in where to stage the crash was pretty odd, though. Since she was unconscious, wouldn't the cult need to spend a good amount of time and effort getting her in place and the car rigged to make the plan work? How does a downtown metropolitan area with a heavily-traveled bridge fit in to those requirements? It seems to me like they would have had to stop traffic, set up the car, toss Maggie in, and aim it at oncoming traffic. At that point, wouldn't it just be subtler to dismember her body on live television?
This is the proper reaction to that scene
I understand that a director can only do so much when the script he's working with can't even stimulate a mediocre tagline, but there's a lot of obviously stupid stuff in this movie. Had the acting been better or if the mood was even a little tense or suspenseful, I would give the director a break. Oh, well. The only thing Chuck Russell did right was editing it into a comprehensible narrative. Sadly, this movie is too slow-paced and the funny bits are too rare to make this film even approach the realm of so-bad-it's-good. Instead, this is simply an awful movie made more noteworthy by the fact that this (and I Dreamed of Africa) was Kim Basinger's first post-Oscar work. That puts Bless the Child into the same conversations where Halle Berry's Catwoman pops up, and that's never a good thing.
...and I'm only being this generous because the car crash scene almost made me spit out my beer.
The Legend of Sleepy Hollow, for those that haven't read it, is not necessarily what I would call "ready for the big screen." In the story, Ichabod Crane, while the most notable character, is definitely not a hero. He is a superstitious, brown-nosing teacher that competes for the hand of Katrina Van Tassel until he is chased by the Headless Horseman and leaves town. With Crane gone, Katrina marries the rival for her affections, Brom Van Brunt. The story implies that Van Brumt dressed as the Horseman to scare Crane away. So, let's recap: the main character is superstitious (read: foolish) and is outwitted. It turns out that the Headless Horseman is just a myth, and it was used by a clever man to remove a romantic rival. Definitely not something that would translate well into a movie, which explains why there hadn't been a film adaptation of the tale since the 1920s.
All it took was Tim Burton and Johnny Depp to remake this story for modern times. Sleepy Hollow features Depp in the role of Ichabod Crane, a New York City constable, dedicated to the new-fangled methods of scientific investigation (autopsies, finger-printing, etc). Crane has annoyed his superiors with his know-it-all attitude for some time, so he is dispatched to the far-off town of Sleepy Hollow, which has had a rash of murders. When he arrives, Crane is informed by the townsfolk that the killer's identity is known; it is the Headless Horseman, the spirit of a bloodthirsty Hessian mercenary, who lost his head in death. Since the killer was known, Crane declared "Case closed!" and returned to New York City. No, not really. Crane, obviously, doesn't believe that a headless creature from beyond the grave is murdering the townsfolk and investigates. Eventually, he finds out that there IS a headless creature from beyond the grave murdering the townsfolk. That wasn't a spoiler. Along the way, Crane develops a fairly innocent romance with Katrina Van Tassel (Christina Ricci), daughter to the most powerful man in town. He also uncovers a conspiracy that ties the victims together and begins to explain why the Horseman is terrorizing the town and how he chooses his victims.
Depp makes some interesting acting choices in this role. He plays Crane as decidedly effeminate; aside from some little half-yelps he gives from time to time, he is prone to hiding behind women and children when he is frightened. That's a pretty ballsy choice for a Hollywood lead. While this isn't one of Depp's typical weirdo roles, he comes off as intelligent and it's fun to see him squirm when he sees blood. It's not his deepest role, but he is quirky and shows development as the film progresses (plus, Depp is awesome). As Katrina, Christina Ricci attempts to make her character seem like an innocent babe. In the attempt, Ricci goes past "innocent" and lands somewhere in the range of "infantile" or "simple-minded." This wouldn't be bad, but she shows almost no emotional range --- her voice doesn't change whether she is happy or upset with Ichabod. Ricci's uncharacteristic performance doesn't hurt the overall film, but it is kind of annoying. She went from rags to riches and she doesn't have even a little bitterness or sarcasm?
The other actors turn in solid supporting performances. Casper Van Dien plays Brom, and (like in the story) he poses as the Horseman to scare Ichabod. Van Dien is not a very talented actor, but he lends some credibility to the only real action scene in the film, so I guess that was decent casting. Christopher Lee and Martin Landau make brief cameos (Landau was uncredited in his role) that don't add much, but cameos are really only there for the fans and are effective in that regard. Jeffrey Jones, Richard Giffiths, Michael Gambon, and Michael Gough all do decently with their supporting roles as town elders and co-conspirators. As for the supporting ladies, Lisa Marie does what you might expect from her, providing little (or, in this case, no) dialogue and ample cleavage. Miranda Richardson has a good time cackling toward the end and does a pretty good job of portraying crazy. The best supporting role, though, belongs to Christopher Walken as the Headless Horseman. It's not that he does much, but Walken is one of the best actors for a bit role you can imagine. With Tim Burton's direction, the Horseman comes off as genuinely creepy, evil and malevolent.
The draw to this movie is not the story (There's a Headless Horseman? What a twist!) or the acting, but Burton's vision. While this is not the most imaginative of his movies, it still has his unmistakable feel. As a director, Tim Burton focuses less on the actor's performances and more on the overall feel of the movie. This movie won an Oscar for Art Direction and was nominated for costumes and cinematography, and after watching this again, I have to say that I'm not surprised. The costumes are good (read: colonial-looking), the town is better (authentically colonial, despite being built for the film), and the camera work is the best you will find in a horror movie since The Shining. While there is a fair amount of blood (brilliantly crimson blood, at that), the movie isn't very gory for a film that features several beheadings.
This adaptation of the classic tale does deviate greatly from the original story, but I think these changes were chosen well. The major element that everyone remembers from the original story (the Horseman) was just a guy in a costume; here, he becomes bigger than life --- or death. Making Crane a detective instead of a teacher helps make him a more formidable opponent. Introducing a conspiracy to the plot adds a mystery that, while not necessary, helps draw the story out long enough to be satisfying. While I don't imagine Washington Irving's rabid fanbase made a big furor over these changes, they were key to allowing this to go beyond the confines of the short story and expand as a feature film. Kudos to Burton for seeing the horror in this quaint tale of Americana.
For some reason, it is almost impossible to make a good movie out of a classic television show. Bewitched, The Flinstones, and Dragnet all made it to the big screen, but none of them were very good. Don't even get me started on Cedric the Entertainer's Honeymooners debacle. The Addams Family is the only show to truly make a successful leap from the small to the big screen (okay, Mission: Impossible did a good job, too). Having overcome that first hurdle with The Addams Family, Addams Family Values feels like the cast and crew performed with a weight lifted from them. Gone are a lot of the zanier moments that stayed true to the original show. Instead, this movie feels like a logical step forward from the 60s to the 90s.
This movie uses its sequel status quite well. A lot of sequels have major cast changes that require some explaining, or they take the time to reintroduce the characters for viewers that are unfamiliar with the series. Here, it is more or less assumed that the viewer knows that the Addams are weird and moves past that to propel the plot. The story this time around has Fester (Christopher Lloyd) looking for love, only to find serial black widow Debbie (Joan Cusack) looking to marry (and shortly inherit) into the Addams fortune. Fester is harder to kill than a non-Addams, though, so Debbie has to isolate him from his family. This devastates his brother Gomez (Raul Julia) and sister-in-law Morticia (Anjelica Huston), especially after they have their new baby, Pubert. There is a subplot dealing with the older Addams children, Wednesday (Christina Ricci) and her brother Puglsey, being sent to an exceptionally upbeat summer camp, but the real story is about Debbie vs. the Addams Family.
The primary cast from the last movie remains unchanged. The characters are more well-developed this time around, particularly Wednesday and Fester. Lloyd benefits the most here because his character had amnesia in the first film; this time around, he's as weird as everyone else from the start. While the sequel came out only two years after the original, Ricci matured a lot in those two years, which improved her deadpan delivery significantly. The other established cast members are still exceptionally well cast. Carol Kane is always fun to see in a movie, especially when she looks like a witch. Raul Julia had a talent for embracing the ridiculous that was more apparent as Gomez than any of his other roles. The casting of Anjelica Huston as Morticia was inspired, showing a playfulness that rarely showed in her earlier work. Even the undemanding role of Lurch was well-played by Carel Struycken. Even Joan Cusack is enjoyable here; her grating voice is a lot more palatable when she is presented as a murderer. The supporting cast features some noteworthy appearances, including a young David Krumholtz as a sickly love interest for Wednesday, Peter MacNicol and Christine Baranski as camp counselors, while Nathan Lane, Cynthia Nixon, David Hyde Pierce, Peter Graves, and Tony Shalhoub all have bit parts.
Excellent casting aside, I'm not saying that this is a perfect movie. A lot of the humor is predictable, but it is written and delivered well. I like that this is a (more or less) family movie with a macabre sense of humor. It's rare to see so much deadpan sarcasm in a movie primarily aimed at children and teens. As someone with the mentality of a child or teen, I appreciate that. A lot of the predictability in this film comes from its limitations. The Addams' make all sorts of grizzly, creepy allusions to grave robbery, murder, and sex, but they remain allusions. Would this movie be better if these aspects of the script were more explicit? Do we really want to see Wednesday kill anyone at summer camp? Do we want to see Gomez and Morticia in the bedroom? Do we want to see Fester and Debbie digging up a corpse? Not really, no, and NO, respectively. Sadly, the limitations that this movie places on itself to remain (mostly) in the realm of good taste handicap some of its humorous potential. This is a wise choice, overall, for the film, because it is able to make some occasionally good jokes and fill the rest of the time with largely inoffensive predictable fare. The deadpan delivery and morbid sensibilities set this apart from almost all modern comedies, and this remains one of the best examples of a television show making the transition to film.
