Bulletproof (1988)

Full disclosure: I had never seen or heard of Bulletproof (1988) until I stumbled upon a collection of the best/worst movie insults of all time.  This caught my attention:

That's right, Gary Busey, perched in the rafters of a warehouse, called Danny Trejo a "butthorn."  Needless to say, that placed Bulletproof on the top of my to-do list.  But is it really worth it to track down this virtually unknown late-80s action movie, just to hear Gary Busey say "butthorn"?

Yes.  A thousand times, yes!  The glory of Bulletproof is not merely that single line, but 93 minutes of ridiculous action movie silliness that is blissfully unaware of how incredibly, laughably stupid it is.  You might worry that an entire movie's worth of enjoyment cannot come with just one "butthorn" comment.  You're wrong, but just to put your mind at ease, I'll let you in on a secret: it's not just the one comment.

So what is Bulletproof about, aside from butthorns?  It's the story of "Bulletproof" McBain (Gary Busey), a reckless cop who is also a semi-retired secret ops agent because of course he is.  The film opens with him on a stakeout with his older partner (Thalmus Rasulala), who implies that he is too old for this shit.  They're on the lookout for a potential illegal arms deal, and the first hint that the deal is going down comes from a limousine and an ice cream truck that drive into an abandoned warehouse.

Don't try to justify that logic.  You will hurt yourself.

Instead of calling for back-up, McBain decides to sneak into the warehouse and handle things on his own.  And by "sneak," I of course mean "take absolutely no cover in the rafters of the building."  A firefight ensues, one that features a lot of bad guys shooting automatic weapons and not hitting anything.  On the bright side, McBain kills someone every time he fires his revolver.  Over the next few minutes, the following things happen:

• McBain avoids being inured by a rocket launcher that was fired at him from across a room.
• "I think we blew him up!"  "You don't blow up a dude like McBain!"
• A car chase involving an ice cream truck filled with weapons instead of ice cream.
• Multiple 360° spins during the car chase.
• The longest grenade fuse (or whatever determines when grenades explode) ever caught on film.
• McBain's boss arriving at the crime scene, looking around and saying "Well, I guess you had to be there," before secretly complimenting McBain on his work.

Keep in mind that this is just the opening sequence, designed to give the audience subtle hints that McBain is awesomely bad-ass.  After a hard night's work, McBain comes home to rest, but instead finds his attractive quasi-girlfriend/hump buddy waiting for him.

"I'll be Ernie, if you'll be Bert.  Oh, rubber ducky, I'm awfully fond of you...sexually!"

You know what makes this scene great?  Well, yes, the gratuitous nudity.  But it's more than that.  Hump buddy's explanation for why she's there is, essentially, because she's crazy and wants to share that craziness with McBain's penis.  Also, I have to point out a few things in that picture.  How many candles, bubbles and flowers do you think "Bulletproof" McBain keeps in his bathroom?  That's right, none.  So this crazy woman A) made a copy of McBain's house key to get in B) brought in at least a bag's worth of her stuff to feminize his bathroom and C) anticipated waiting a while for him and brought her rubber ducky with.  Oh, and apparently McBain's bathroom has rooms inside it; while Sexy McCrazy is sudsing up, McBain goes to the next room so he can use the sink and mirror to pull out a bullet he caught in the shoulder that night.

Perhaps "Bullet Magnet" would have been a better title

Why am I going into such detail with this plot?  Because this particular plot has absolutely nothing to do with the bulk of the movie.  After an opening like this, I expected a Lethal Weapon knock-off, especially with the old, cranky black partner who loves to remind McBain that his ass is, in fact, black.  That is the beauty of Bulletproof.  Just when you think the movie is going to play it safe and predictable, it decides to make absolutely no sense.  At this point, it becomes an international spy story.  The US government has a super tank, code-named Thunderblast, which is ridiculously powerful.  Like, it's probably worth two, or maybe three tanks.  The government then makes the deliberate choice to allow the Thunderbolt to be captured by terrorists, as part of a larger master plan.  They make sure that McBain's former girlfriend (Darlanne Fluegel) was on the mission, to serve as bait.  So, what's the master plan?  The government wants McBain to recover the stolen tank...that they purposely allowed the terrorists to steal.  So...hmm.  That's a toughie, a point that the script wisely chooses to not address.  What about the terrorists?  Who is McBain fighting?  Cubans.  Nicaraguans.  Arabs.  Russians.  You know, the groups that typically work together and decide to invade America through Mexico, powered by a single tank.  My god, the 80s were hilarious.

I love that the Russian has to wear a fur hat in the Mexican desert so we know where he is from

How is the acting in Bulletproof?   Predictably ridiculous.  Gary Busey leads the way, and I found myself enjoying his over-the-top performance.  It isn't actually good, but it was fun to watch.  Some actors would look terrible in a role that required them to spout horrendous dialogue and be a complete asshole to any character they don't kill first.  Not Busey.  He was as believable in this role as anybody could be.

And yes, the urge you feel to punch his teeth in is perfectly normal

The rest of the cast is far less interesting and entertaining.  Honestly, I don't know why they bothered with any non-Busey scenes in this movie.  Of the good guy supporting cast, L.Q. Jones and Darlanne Fluegel were probably the most noteworthy, although that isn't saying much.  The cast of villains had a few unexpected surprises, though.  William Smith, who was born to play direct-to-video villains in the 80s, plays the evil Russian (oddly, he is credited as "Bill Smith"), and makes sure that there is no question about his character's poorly accented nationality.  Even better than Smith's Yakov Smirnoff impression was Henry Silva.  Silva frequently acted in bad movies and, for some reason, he was often chosen to portray some other ethnicity.  In Bulletproof (1988), he plays an Arabic terrorist with (I guess) Communist leanings and a penchant for rape and murder.  Thank goodness that's not racist at all.

"Nice costume.  The beret really sells the whole 'Arabic terrorist' thing"

One of the funnier things about Bulletproof is the fact that there are two great action movie bad guys in the cast, but they play bit parts.  Danny Trejo and Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa (who was left uncredited for some reason) were both just starting out in Hollywood, and this was the best work they could get. 

Steve Carver's direction is not too bad, from a technical standpoint.  I mean, sure, he edited out the explanation of why the US government wanted McBain to single-handedly attack terrorists on foreign soil.  And yes, he was responsible for some of the most unintentionally funny flashback scenes I have ever seen.  My favorite was the one where McBain's lying in bed, shirtless, cuddling with his saxophone, and then he flashes back to the time when he wooed his girlfriend by playing the sax on the beach --- and the soundtrack to his dream was clearly not what he was playing on the beach.

Boy, I certainly am convinced that Busey can play the saxophone

But I'm getting off the subject.  Steve Carver put as much stupid action as he could fit into Bulletproof.  One of the more obvious examples of that comes from the scene where the bad guys repeatedly fail to follow through on their threat to find out, once and for all, just how bulletproof McBain is.  I don't know why, but these terrorists, who are happy to kill any supporting character without provocation, treat the murder of McBain and his ex-girlfriend like a seven-year-old treats cleaning his room.  They're totally going to do it, just...not right now.  So, here's the setup.  McBain is tired and helpless, tied to a gigantic wooden spool.

Yes, you heard that right.  A spool.

The bad guys are (finally) going to execute him.  How does he escape?  Well, a grenade blows up and sends his spool rolling down the hillside.

That is absolutely Gary Busey.  I recognize that shirt.

The villains, who are numerous and have cars and trucks, can't seem to track the giant spool down, and McBain escapes.  Does that blow your mind?  It blew mine.

What makes Bulletproof more than just a bad movie is the incomprehensible script.  This story was written by the team that brought us Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, but doesn't make quite as much sense.  This movie doesn't feel like something written by completely sane adults.  It's more like the fever ramblings of a six-year-old, doped up on Nyquil.  What else can explain the fact that Gary Busey is more deadly with a revolver than with a tank (that, for some reason, has cubicle chairs and a coffee maker)?

And why would anybody go to the trouble of giving McBain such ridiculous obstacles and then waste precious time showing McBain trying to figure out the tank's control system?  Reality left this movie before the first butthorn sounded, so this late development was bewildering.  Do you want some more examples of the writing excellence on display in Bulletproof?  Of course you do.

• The password to let McBain know who to team up with in Mexico, on his quest to recapture the Thunderblast, is...wait for it..."Thunderblast."
• Actual comeback, part 1: "Yeah...your FACE!"
• Actual comeback, part 2: the Arabic terrorist is told to go "fuck his camel."
• The Russians recognize McBain by his nickname, "Bulletproof."
• After it's all over, McBain has to drive the tank back to America, though the border patrol.  And they just look confused.

There's a lot more than that, but I don't want to spoil everything.  I would totally buy enough copies of Bulletproof to give to all of my friends, but the only DVD pressing of it is truly awful.  It's in 4:3 aspect ratio and looks like it was recorded directly from a VHS tape.  That wouldn't be a deal-breaker, but the damn thing is still fetching $14-$50 on Amazon.

"What the hell, butthorns?  You know this is worth $5, MAX!"

As a legitimate movie, Bulletproof is not very good, but it is filled with action and is makes sense, if you are incapable of coherent thought.

From the completely unreasonable perspective of Lefty Gold, Bulletproof is so hilariously bad that I watched it twice, back-to-back, before returning the rental.  If you're in the mood for stupid, I cannot recommend this any higher.

Mortal Kombat

It's time again for another foray into the realm of video game movie adaptations, this time requested by my friends in Big Dog Eat Child (or one of them, anyway).  Despite growing up in the dawn of the violent video game era, and despite spending several dollars in quarters playing the arcade game, I had never sat through Mortal Kombat before.  Well, at least not that I can remember; there are some hazy movie watching nights in college.  My favorite story about Mortal Kombat as a movie experience involved an old roommate of mine, who went to see this movie in the theater on opening night.  After the final preview ended and the lights went totally dim, someone in the audience stood up and bellowed "Moooortal Kombaaat!!!"  And the theater erupted in laughs and applause.  There aren't a whole lot of audiences that reward funny/obnoxious behavior like that*, but it really makes sense with this movie.  If you're not familiar with the MK battle cry, this commercial for the first game will clue you in:


Mortal Kombat the movie follows the general plot and format of the video game.  A group of humans (mortals) are chosen by a god and a sorcerer to fight for Earth in a series of one-on-one fights (kombat) to determine whether or not an extra-dimensional warlord can invade our world.  The fighters for good are a former monk, Liu Kang (Robin Shou), a movie star that is clearly not modeled after Jean-Claude Van Damme, Johnny Cage (Linden Ashby), and a tough as nails lady cop, Sonya Blade (Bridgette Wilson).

Sadly, not in this movie.

Why are these three picked?  Um.  Cuz?  On the side of eee-veel, we have the vaguely foreign and inexplicably cyborg-faced Kano (Trevor Goddard), the freeze-powered Sub-Zero, and the peculiar Scorpion, whose super power involved having a fleshy slit in his palm.  No wonder teenage boys like his character!

Least erotic Fleshlight ever.

After the good guys have had their way with these bad guys, they have to fight the sub-boss, Goro.  Goro has four arms and costume effects taken directly from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze.  He also is poorly designed, if only because four arms should lead to four pectoral muscles and not just extra abs.

If the good guys beat Goro, then they get to fight the evil sorcerer Shang Tsung (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa).  Apparently, fighting games and movies are kind of like being in a union; to take on the big boss, you gotta pay your dues first.  Will the heroes of Earth win, or will they fail and allow the destruction of this dimension?  Or will they win and then see a set-up for a sequel?  The suspense probably will have you on the edge of boredom.

The acting in this film is obviously pretty bad, but it wasn't annoying.  Why not?  The director wisely chose to fill as much time as he could with action sequences, even when they are not particularly necessary.  When it is given screen time, the acting is awkward and grossly unnatural --- that's why most of the non-fight scenes have dialogue that consists primarily of quips.  The only actors that really stood out to me were Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa and Christopher Lambert.  Tagawa did a great job playing an over-the-top villain, thanks in part to his ability to make awesome facial expressions.

Tagawa isn't a talented actor, by any means, but he nails this character.  In a movie with a puddle-deep plot, the bad guy just has to be obviously bad.  Mission accomplished!  Christopher Lambert --- the most famous cast member, even now --- is awful, though, even by his standards.  Somehow, the filmmakers took a video game character that was clearly designed after the Three Storms in Big Trouble in Little China

and transformed him into a white guy with a funny accent.  I would forgive Lambert's always limited acting skills if he had any action scenes in the movie (he doesn't) or if his funny accent was racist (it's not).  Nope, Lambert was cast for his acting ability and star power.  That might please the fans of Highlander --- all four of you --- but the rest of us want a little more from our headlining actors than a raspy voice (except, inexplicably, at the end) and inappropriately timed chuckles.

Someone, please behead this immortal.

The tag line for this movie is "Nothing in this world has prepared you for this."  Personally, I think the promo posters took this movie a little too seriously.  That's not surprising, since the director, Paul W.S. Anderson, has a habit of making silly action movies that are blissfully unaware of their quality.  I will give Anderson credit; this movie has a lot of kombat in it (the "k" is for "kicks to the face").  Most of the fights include some decent hand-to-hand sparring.  Every so often, though, he gives the audience a wide shot and we see just how slow and choreographed the fight scenes are.  That doesn't bother me, since I laugh at things like that, but it's an odd choice in a movie that wants the audience to enjoy the fight scenes that take up most of the film.

It's probably easier to focus on the things this movie does right than what is wrong with it.  The 90s-techno theme song and the random shouts of "Mortal Kombat" are awesomely cheesy.  I loved that every punch and kick had a sound effect.  Most of the cannon fodder villains used exaggerated grunts instead of dialogue and --- given the quality of the script --- that was the right choice.  This is a movie that knew it needed a fight every few minutes to maintain interest, and it does its best to make that happen.

It's still a comically bad movie, though.  Any time your hero has a mullet is a clue that your movie is aiming for the "so bad it's good" market.  For a movie with so much fighting, it sure seems like half of the actors are waiting to get punched or kicked; there was a sequence where Liu Kang, Johnny Cage, and Sonja took out a whole room of Hammer pants-wearing thugs with kicks to the face.  I realize those guys are the underlings, but shouldn't one of them have a defense for that?  Like ducking, maybe, or just putting their arms in front of their face?  The special effects are awfully mid-90s, which means that they weren't very impressive; the CGI used for Reptile was the worst, though.  And the stupidity, oh the stupidity...

• Shang Tsung, the main villain, prepares to fight wearing...a vesty pantsuit?
• Every person that fights Sub-Zero waits until he has summoned his cold energy (or whatever) before they attempt to hit him.
• Kano has manscaped his chest hair, and it looks suspiciously like that of Zangief from rival game series Street Fighter.
• Scorpion's dialogue includes his in-game catch phrases "Get over here" and "C'mere."  It also includes "Get down here" and "Welcome," using the same voice.  I'm fine with the first two lines, if only because they make sense in the film.  The others...well, if he was trying to coax a cat out of a tree or followed "Welcome" with "Can I get you a drink?" they might seem a little less silly.
• Sadly, the only black man in Mortal Kombat, and is not a character from the game, is used to show how tough the bad guys are.  Nobody saw that coming.
• Every time Goro fights, these two greasy observers look deeply into each others eyes and scream "Gorooo!!!"  I think we're supposed to assume that they retire after the fight for some sweaty lovemaking.
• Why is Sonja in this movie?  She winds up being a damsel in distress instead of some sort of martial arts bad-ass.  I do like that the bad guys that kidnap her take the time to tease out her hair and change her into an ugly dress.
• Here's the scene: you are about to attack a known shape-shifting bad guy.  He shape-shifts into your dead brother.  Obviously, this is a trick because you know your brother is dead and because you saw the villain shift.  Every second spent not punching the bad guy is an insult to everyone's intelligence.

By any meaningful metric that measures film quality, Mortal Kombat is just plain dumb.

But, despite the slew of obvious awfulness in this movie, I feel pretty certain that it is as good as anyone involved in making the film expected.  This might have started out as a high-profile project (at one point, Cameron Diaz was in the cast, and it was rumored that Brandon Lee was set to star, too), but it went to B-movie status the second Christopher Lambert was hired to headline the film.  The direction is poor, the action is mediocre, the script is stupid, with pretty lame one-liners sprinkled throughout.  Then again, this is a movie based on a video game where you have people fight each other to the death, one at a time; who needs acting, directing, or a script?  With that in mind, I find myself curiously entertained by Mortal Kombat.  It's definitely bad, but certainly entertaining, which means a Lefty Gold rating of

* My personal favorite funny/obnoxious loud-thing-said-in-the-theater came from Danny O'D.  We went to a midnight showing of the Japanese anime classic, Akira, and the theater was packed with all sorts of nerds, most of whom were already familiar with the movie.  About thirty seconds into the movie, before any dialogue had been spoken, Dan loudly asked, "Wait, this is a cartoon?!?"  Only two people in the theater laughed, but I almost peed myself.  Good times.