Mortal Kombat

It's time again for another foray into the realm of video game movie adaptations, this time requested by my friends in Big Dog Eat Child (or one of them, anyway).  Despite growing up in the dawn of the violent video game era, and despite spending several dollars in quarters playing the arcade game, I had never sat through Mortal Kombat before.  Well, at least not that I can remember; there are some hazy movie watching nights in college.  My favorite story about Mortal Kombat as a movie experience involved an old roommate of mine, who went to see this movie in the theater on opening night.  After the final preview ended and the lights went totally dim, someone in the audience stood up and bellowed "Moooortal Kombaaat!!!"  And the theater erupted in laughs and applause.  There aren't a whole lot of audiences that reward funny/obnoxious behavior like that*, but it really makes sense with this movie.  If you're not familiar with the MK battle cry, this commercial for the first game will clue you in:


Mortal Kombat the movie follows the general plot and format of the video game.  A group of humans (mortals) are chosen by a god and a sorcerer to fight for Earth in a series of one-on-one fights (kombat) to determine whether or not an extra-dimensional warlord can invade our world.  The fighters for good are a former monk, Liu Kang (Robin Shou), a movie star that is clearly not modeled after Jean-Claude Van Damme, Johnny Cage (Linden Ashby), and a tough as nails lady cop, Sonya Blade (Bridgette Wilson).

Sadly, not in this movie.

Why are these three picked?  Um.  Cuz?  On the side of eee-veel, we have the vaguely foreign and inexplicably cyborg-faced Kano (Trevor Goddard), the freeze-powered Sub-Zero, and the peculiar Scorpion, whose super power involved having a fleshy slit in his palm.  No wonder teenage boys like his character!

Least erotic Fleshlight ever.

After the good guys have had their way with these bad guys, they have to fight the sub-boss, Goro.  Goro has four arms and costume effects taken directly from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze.  He also is poorly designed, if only because four arms should lead to four pectoral muscles and not just extra abs.

If the good guys beat Goro, then they get to fight the evil sorcerer Shang Tsung (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa).  Apparently, fighting games and movies are kind of like being in a union; to take on the big boss, you gotta pay your dues first.  Will the heroes of Earth win, or will they fail and allow the destruction of this dimension?  Or will they win and then see a set-up for a sequel?  The suspense probably will have you on the edge of boredom.

The acting in this film is obviously pretty bad, but it wasn't annoying.  Why not?  The director wisely chose to fill as much time as he could with action sequences, even when they are not particularly necessary.  When it is given screen time, the acting is awkward and grossly unnatural --- that's why most of the non-fight scenes have dialogue that consists primarily of quips.  The only actors that really stood out to me were Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa and Christopher Lambert.  Tagawa did a great job playing an over-the-top villain, thanks in part to his ability to make awesome facial expressions.

Tagawa isn't a talented actor, by any means, but he nails this character.  In a movie with a puddle-deep plot, the bad guy just has to be obviously bad.  Mission accomplished!  Christopher Lambert --- the most famous cast member, even now --- is awful, though, even by his standards.  Somehow, the filmmakers took a video game character that was clearly designed after the Three Storms in Big Trouble in Little China

and transformed him into a white guy with a funny accent.  I would forgive Lambert's always limited acting skills if he had any action scenes in the movie (he doesn't) or if his funny accent was racist (it's not).  Nope, Lambert was cast for his acting ability and star power.  That might please the fans of Highlander --- all four of you --- but the rest of us want a little more from our headlining actors than a raspy voice (except, inexplicably, at the end) and inappropriately timed chuckles.

Someone, please behead this immortal.

The tag line for this movie is "Nothing in this world has prepared you for this."  Personally, I think the promo posters took this movie a little too seriously.  That's not surprising, since the director, Paul W.S. Anderson, has a habit of making silly action movies that are blissfully unaware of their quality.  I will give Anderson credit; this movie has a lot of kombat in it (the "k" is for "kicks to the face").  Most of the fights include some decent hand-to-hand sparring.  Every so often, though, he gives the audience a wide shot and we see just how slow and choreographed the fight scenes are.  That doesn't bother me, since I laugh at things like that, but it's an odd choice in a movie that wants the audience to enjoy the fight scenes that take up most of the film.

It's probably easier to focus on the things this movie does right than what is wrong with it.  The 90s-techno theme song and the random shouts of "Mortal Kombat" are awesomely cheesy.  I loved that every punch and kick had a sound effect.  Most of the cannon fodder villains used exaggerated grunts instead of dialogue and --- given the quality of the script --- that was the right choice.  This is a movie that knew it needed a fight every few minutes to maintain interest, and it does its best to make that happen.

It's still a comically bad movie, though.  Any time your hero has a mullet is a clue that your movie is aiming for the "so bad it's good" market.  For a movie with so much fighting, it sure seems like half of the actors are waiting to get punched or kicked; there was a sequence where Liu Kang, Johnny Cage, and Sonja took out a whole room of Hammer pants-wearing thugs with kicks to the face.  I realize those guys are the underlings, but shouldn't one of them have a defense for that?  Like ducking, maybe, or just putting their arms in front of their face?  The special effects are awfully mid-90s, which means that they weren't very impressive; the CGI used for Reptile was the worst, though.  And the stupidity, oh the stupidity...

• Shang Tsung, the main villain, prepares to fight wearing...a vesty pantsuit?
• Every person that fights Sub-Zero waits until he has summoned his cold energy (or whatever) before they attempt to hit him.
• Kano has manscaped his chest hair, and it looks suspiciously like that of Zangief from rival game series Street Fighter.
• Scorpion's dialogue includes his in-game catch phrases "Get over here" and "C'mere."  It also includes "Get down here" and "Welcome," using the same voice.  I'm fine with the first two lines, if only because they make sense in the film.  The others...well, if he was trying to coax a cat out of a tree or followed "Welcome" with "Can I get you a drink?" they might seem a little less silly.
• Sadly, the only black man in Mortal Kombat, and is not a character from the game, is used to show how tough the bad guys are.  Nobody saw that coming.
• Every time Goro fights, these two greasy observers look deeply into each others eyes and scream "Gorooo!!!"  I think we're supposed to assume that they retire after the fight for some sweaty lovemaking.
• Why is Sonja in this movie?  She winds up being a damsel in distress instead of some sort of martial arts bad-ass.  I do like that the bad guys that kidnap her take the time to tease out her hair and change her into an ugly dress.
• Here's the scene: you are about to attack a known shape-shifting bad guy.  He shape-shifts into your dead brother.  Obviously, this is a trick because you know your brother is dead and because you saw the villain shift.  Every second spent not punching the bad guy is an insult to everyone's intelligence.

By any meaningful metric that measures film quality, Mortal Kombat is just plain dumb.

But, despite the slew of obvious awfulness in this movie, I feel pretty certain that it is as good as anyone involved in making the film expected.  This might have started out as a high-profile project (at one point, Cameron Diaz was in the cast, and it was rumored that Brandon Lee was set to star, too), but it went to B-movie status the second Christopher Lambert was hired to headline the film.  The direction is poor, the action is mediocre, the script is stupid, with pretty lame one-liners sprinkled throughout.  Then again, this is a movie based on a video game where you have people fight each other to the death, one at a time; who needs acting, directing, or a script?  With that in mind, I find myself curiously entertained by Mortal Kombat.  It's definitely bad, but certainly entertaining, which means a Lefty Gold rating of

* My personal favorite funny/obnoxious loud-thing-said-in-the-theater came from Danny O'D.  We went to a midnight showing of the Japanese anime classic, Akira, and the theater was packed with all sorts of nerds, most of whom were already familiar with the movie.  About thirty seconds into the movie, before any dialogue had been spoken, Dan loudly asked, "Wait, this is a cartoon?!?"  Only two people in the theater laughed, but I almost peed myself.  Good times.

Highlander

Let me get this off my chest right away: if you suspect that your movie isn't going to have fantastic acting, having Queen make a soundtrack for it is a great way to divert attention.  It worked for Flash Gordon, right? The band was only supposed to do one song for the film, but were moved after they viewed an early cutting and recorded four or five tracks.  Oddly enough, no soundtrack was released and most of the songs ended up on Queen's next studio album, A Kind of Magic.  I read about this before I saw the film, but now that I have, I would like to paraphrase that again.  Legendary camp/metal/classic rockers Queen, one of the most financially successful bands of all time, had a deep emotional response to this movie that inspired them to write songs for specific scenes.  Sometimes, there just aren't words to express profound shock.  I guess "Wow...really?" comes closest.

For those of you who have managed to miss the five live-action films, one animated feature, two live-action television shows, one animated television show, and the slew of books, comics, and games based on the Highlander story, this is square one.  Connor MacLeod (Christopher Lambert) is an immortal.  I know what you're thinking: "Thank God Christopher-freakin'-Lambert will never die because I cannot imagine the world without him."  I know, riiiight?   Well, that's not 100% true; he can die if he is beheaded.  But, seriously, what are the chances of that?  I've known literally thousands of people and not one of them has been beheaded...yet.  Really, if you want to avoid a sword to your neck, stay out of Japan and you should be just fine.  Or, if you just have to do some Dance Dance Revolution in Tokyo, at least go prepared.  It's not that easy, though.  Connor is not the only immortal wandering the earth; there are several but, eventually, "there can be only one."  Why is that?  Because these immortals must kill each other and the winner will get "the prize," a power so awesome, it can change the fate of humanity.  Why "must" they?  Umm...because...they love the creamy center   are all really, really annoying   ...look, just buy into this, or you'll grind your teeth for the entire movie, okay?  Of course, since this movie is about people that have to do battle to the death, there is a bad guy, the Kurgan (Clancy Brown).  Basically, the Kurgan hunts down Connor and they do battle, with the story jumping between 1986 New York and Connor's past in 16th century Scotland.

Honestly, the basic idea here isn't a bad one.  Immortals with only one weakness do battle through the ages?  That sounds reasonably cool.  I completely understand the popularity of the idea.  This movie, on the other hand, just proves that nerds will keep wanting sequels if you don't do it right the first time.  There is not a whole lot good about this film beyond the basic premise.

Fact: Christopher Lambert took speech lessons before filming to perfect an accent that sounded vaguely European, but not specific to any one place, because he has lived in many places over the years.  In this, he succeeded.  His accent is absolutely unrecognizable.  And annoying.  But that's not the real problem with the accent...he has it for the entire film.  If Connor MacLeod is Scottish, living in Scotland before he becomes immortal, Lambert should at least pretend to be Scottish in those scenes.  The sad thing is that Lambert worked with a professional to arrive at his accent; in other words, somebody got paid for helping create that mess.  Accent aside, Lambert's talents are still difficult to pinpoint.  His hair can look sort of funny.  He can out-act most cold breakfast cereals (Malt-O-Meal might be out of his league, though).  He does a good job of staring.  And that's about it.

The other actors aren't great, but are better than Lambert.  Clancy Brown (the main prison guard from The Shawshank Redemption) is a great casting choice for the villain.  However, he has a voice.  You know...like Christian Bale does in the Batman movies?  Yeah.  That kind of voice.  As for his acting, I think it can be fairly described as a cross between Johnny Rotten, Snidely Whiplash and a Tex Avery wolf cartoon.  Subtle, he is not.  Sean Connery makes a supporting appearance as the kindly immortal that clues Christopher Lambert in on immortality.  Connery is his normal charming self here, but that's part of the problem.  He sounds like Sean Connery, a Scotsman.  According to the film, he is Egyptian and just came from a length of time in Spain.  While I would pay money to hear Sean Connery say "Walk like an Egyptian" with a straight face, a movie that cares enough to make Lambert's accent sound extraterrestrial doesn't care about a Scottish burr coming from the Nile delta?  That's just inconsistent.

Normally, I would just assume that the erratic acting in this movie was due to the erratic casting of talent.  However, I'm going to choose to blame director Russell Mulcahy.  Lambert might not be much of an actor, but the director is responsible for making him seem vaguely human.  In this, he failed.  Clancy Brown's performance was enough to make Nicholas Cage blush, and that had to be encouraged by Mulcahy.  Sure, the script might have been weak (there are some cops and women in the script, too, but I'm doing you a favor by omitting them), but only the director can tell an actor that they're making the right choices. 

The immortal action scenes are worth noting, although probably not worth watching.  While I understand that this movie's budget had to have been moderately low, having the actors take fencing lessons would have gone a long way.  Lambert and Brown are both clumsy for immortals that carry around swords regularly.  Lambert's katana seems as heavy and solid as Brown's broadsword, when it should be lighter and faster.  And what's up with all the sparks flying during immortal sword fights?  If it is because it's a cheap way to make immortal fights seem more exciting and powerful, fine.  It's not consistent, though, because two immortals sword fighting can go from scene to scene, sparking one minute but not the next. 

That doesn't make sense, but neither does the follow up to immortal death.  After an immortal gets beheaded, a lot of energy is released and is apparently absorbed by the victor.  That's how immortals become more powerful and why the ultimate immortal will have the "prize" of big-time power.  A side effect of these power-ups is that all electrical devices (lights, cars, whatever) turn on, amp up and explode (except the cars.  They apparently turn their own ignition switches and rev their engines while their headlights flash and explode).  But then, all the glass in the area implodes toward the immortal.  I'm not a scientist, but I would expect an outward expulsion of energy to cause the glass to blow out, not blow in.  It's a small detail, I know, but dumb details add up in bad movies.

This movie raises a lot of questions that never get answered.  That can be good for a movie; it can whet the appetite for a sequel.  This movie generally doesn't even raise these questions, though.  One such question is how Sean Connery knows so much about immortals.  How does he know that "there can be only one?"  Who's giving him this information?  How do they know?  It's not like there has been another generation of immortals that have had the same thing happen to them because "there can only be one."  How does he know that immortals cannot have kids?  Maybe he's sterile or has a STD.  It doesn't matter what the answer is, just as long as the question is asked.

Ultimately, this is a bad movie.  It has bad acting, terrible directing, lame action, and a poor script.  The premise is good, Queen makes a solid (if occasionally funny) soundtrack, Sean Connery is Sean Connery, and I do like the fact that immortals develop scars from wounds that would have been fatal to normal folks.  A few nice touches do not make up for a movie full of wrong, though.