Piranha 3DD

Since the campy Piranha 3D made over $80 million (!!!) in the box office, it was inevitable that it would spawn a sequel. It's a difficult task to follow up a stupid hit with an inevitably stupider sequel, but the filmmakers got off on the right foot when they named the sequel Piranha 3DD.  That is simply sublime.  I don't think there is a better way to distill what this movie should be about than that: killer fish and big boobs.  Somebody give that title guy a raise!  Truly, this will live out its days with the royalty of movie sequel titles, like Electric Boogaloo and Die Harder.  Here's the thing, though: I didn't really like Piranha 3D.  Sure, it was campy and had some cheap nudity and gore, but it was too aware of its crappiness to for me to truly enjoy laughing at it.  I hate laughing with bad movies --- I want to laugh at them.  What are the odds that Piranha 3DD will be stupid, but still stupid-fun?

I started off liking Piranha 3DD's choices, right off the bat.  Piranha 3D set the stage for the inevitable sequel, but 3DD opts to completely ignore the ending of that movie; in a brilliant move, they acknowledge that some people died in a lake, thanks to some fish, but it's probably unrelated to what's happening in this film.  So, if you were hoping for some tighter continuity in this series, you're absolutely adorable.  And out of luck.  The story kicks off with Maddy (Danielle Panabaker) returning home from college, only to discover that the water park she co-owns with her step-father, Chet (David Koechner), is about to grand open with an all-adult section and a brand new name: "Big Wet."  That's a lot to take in at one time, I know, but try to digest it all.  Yes, a college student co-owns a water park.  Yes, it is creepy that her step-father is setting up a raunchy zone in said water park.  And, following that logic, the lifeguards in the adult section will be strippers.

"And the lifeguards can drop their kids off in the main pool while they're pool stripping!  Genius!"

As the days count down to the grand opening of the park, Maddy and her friends start to notice some strange things happening at the lake that is located near the park.  Luckily, Maddy is a marine biologist and quickly realizes that super-piranhas are entering the lake, somehow.  But that's just the lake.  It couldn't possibly affect the water park, unless it happened to be illegally siphoning water from that lake.

But then...how did...oh, I get it now.

One of the unexpected strengths of Piranha 3D was its surprisingly legit cast.  Piranha 3DD doesn't quite match its prequel in that department.  Danielle Panabaker was fine, I guess, as the character with the closest thing that passes for brains in this movie.I don't know why, but I keep expecting her to have a breakout performance one of these days, despite the fact that she doesn't even stand out in this crap.  Her romantic interests are played by Matt Bush and Chris Zylka; Bush appears to be doing his best impression of a young Seth Green here, while Zylka continues to play teenage jerks.  Both were fine for what their roles called for, but neither was particularly interesting.  Meagan Tandy and Jean-Lu Bilodeau  were only in the film briefly, but they were void of personality.  Paul James Jordan would have been completely forgettable, if not for the scene where he cuts off his penis to keep a piranha from eating him.

I don't know if I would be that calm, sir

David Koechner was his usual bawdy self, and it actually made sense for him to show up in this film.  He wasn't funny, but I kind of hate seeing him in movies, so this matches my opinion of his talents quite well.  I was a little surprised that Ving Rhames reprised his role from the first movie (as did Paul Scheer), but at least his small part had a moderately funny moment. 

...that had already been done in Planet Terror

Gary Busey and Clu Gulager showed up in the introductory scene and were reasonably amusing as idiot rednecks.  Ever since Scream revived the "kill the recognizable actor in the opening scene" film trope, I have enjoyed seeing how different films have embraced the tradition; I'm fairly sure that Clu Gulager is the most obscure horror actor I have seen in a scene like that, but I am definitely not complaining.  It may be nepotism on the part of the director, but it's obscure and fun nepotism.  I will complain about Christopher Lloyd's choice to return, though; for an actor that is as occasionally hilarious as Lloyd, he sure knows how to stoop to the level of whatever movie he's in.  He could have been one of the shining moments of this film, and he definitely was not.  David Hasselhoff was shockingly not terrible playing himself.  I definitely like his work in the Spongebob movie better, but his singing threesome scene was enough to balance out most of his all-too-aware-of-its-campiness part.  When you get right down to it, the only actor I liked in the movie was Katrina Bowden.  Her character was too stupid and sincere for words, but the more I see of her, the more I am impressed by her excellent comedic timing.  Plus, she had the best line in the entire film:

John Gulager directed Piranha 3DD, and it was written by his buddies Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan; the three worked together on all three of the Feast movies.  In case you're unfamiliar with those movies, Melton and Dunstan have also co-written the last four Saw movies, so if anyone knows how to make a stupid movie funny, it's...the guys who write torture porn?  That doesn't sound right.

If only they had this picture to inspire them to greater heights...

I'm not going to bother commenting on normal directorial stuff, like cinematography, editing, or tone, because this movie doesn't care about any of that.  Instead, I'll judge Piranha 3DD on what it obviously values.  It had to be campy, gory, prominently feature large breasts, and, as the sequel to an already unlikely and campy movie, it had to be pretty darn stupid.  If that doesn't sound difficult to you, think of the last movie you watched that was intentionally so-bad-it's-good.  They're rarer beasts than you might think.  So, how did Gulager do?  This movie certainly was campy, but nowhere near as funny as it seemed to think it was. 

Example page from the script: Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle [WAIT FOR APPLAUSE TO DIE DOWN]

Aside from Hasselhoff's narration-singing and bizarre post-credits scene, the only time I laughed was with the whole piranha-in-my-vagina explanation.  That's not a good thing, especially when you consider how many other characters are in this movie.  Instead of being ridiculous, like Piranha 3D, this movie was stupid, and then had the nerve to elbow the audience in the stomach and ask if they "got it."  As for the gore, there definitely was some.  My personal favorite moments included an annoying child's head being eaten, a cow carcass exploding, and (of course) piranhagina (AKA pussanha).

Thank God this didn't start with "This one time, in band camp..."

The rest of the gore was surprisingly tame.  There was a lot of fake blood in the water, but it definitely felt less explicit than the original film, and it sure was a lot less original.  The filmmakers went out of their way to show gratuitous nude shots at the beginning of the film, but I was surprised by how rarely I saw unnecessary nudity as the story wore on.  Wasn't the entire point of making this an "adult" water park to constantly have topless girls splashing in the background of scenes?  It seems like such an obviously exploitative move, and yet it was used so sparingly. 

Why is Botox 'n' Balloon Chest Barbie even in this movie if she's clothed?

How about the plot?  Yes, that was dumb.  I know, I know, the filmmakers had to come up with a way to get piranhas into a water park, and they did it.  I have no problem with whatever stupid justification they needed to get Jason into space piranhas into the water park.  My problem is that the writers felt that they needed to build up to that.  That meant there was less time spent in the novelty location (the water park) and more time spent rehashing the last film in and around a lake.  This is a movie about killer fish in a water park; if I needed a plausible concept, then I wouldn't be watching a movie about killer fish in a water park. 

Correction: a movie about killer fish in a water park that features Gary Busey exploding a cow

When it gets down to brass tacks, Piranha 3DD feels like the poor man's version of Piranha 3D, instead of the bigger and stupider movie that all sequels strive to be.  It wants to be dumb enough to love, that much is clear.  It is just missing the charm, wit, and tongue-in-cheek knowing humor that earned Piranha 3D 3.5 stars (out of 10) from me.  In other words, this movie sucks, even when compared to a movie I didn't like.  The humor is cruder, the tone was more irritating than campy, there were human villains for some reason, and there wasn't enough creative gore or nudity to keep me interested.  It just.  Wasn't.  Fun. 

When 60% of your jokes come from the Hoff, you have a bad script

This isn't just a bad horror movie, it's a bad horror movie when you compare it to bad horror movies.  I almost wish I had given Piranha 3D a better rating, just to illustrate how much worse this sequel is.  How about this: Piranha 3DD made about 10% of Piranha 3D's box office gross.  Ouch.  Comparing it to Piranha 3D isn't even an apples-to-apples argument, because that movie actually achieved its goal of being dumb fun.  This is a lot closer to Shark Night 3D; both movies tried to capitalize on the success of the last Piranha, but couldn't be bothered to be ridiculously over the top.  This was lazy and boring instead of dumb fun. 

"I'll have to scrub for days to get all the shame off me"

On the bright side, this isn't a movie that deserves active hatred, it had a few worthwhile moments, and about fifteen minutes of its runtime was devoted to the end credits/gag reel, so the pain was short-lived.  Let's just hope we don't see another sequel for a while.

Shark Night 3D

When I first saw the trailer for Shark Night 3D, I was pretty excited.  I love me some hilariously bad horror and the inclusion of sharks guaranteed the inclusion of gratuitous violence and nudity.  While I didn't love Piranha 3D, this movie looked much less campy and far more so-bad-it's-good.  Aaaaand then I noticed that Shark Night 3D was rated PG-13.  So much for gratuitous anything, which pretty much eliminates anyone's need to watch this movie.  Or does it...?

Shark Night 3D opens with a hot chick in a bikini doing...something...in the water by a lake.  I would say she was treading water, or bobbing around, but she was definitely only in the water up to her ribs, so...maybe she was jazzercising?  Whatever.  The camera keeps cutting to an underwater view, getting closer and closer until AAAA!  ...Oh, it was just her boyfriend.  Scary.  After the boyfriend reminds the audience that this is PG-13 --- he takes her top off and throws it away, as she remains unexposed in the water --- the girl is killed by something underwater.  It's hard to say what, though.  Sure, the movie title would imply a shark, but she is in shallow water and you don't see a fin.  It's also hard to figure out what body part of hers is being pulled as she thrashes in the water.  From the above-water shots, it looks like something has got her leg, but the underwater shots clearly show her legs unmolested.  Maybe it's a ghost shark?  Whatever.  She served her purpose.

Shark bait!  Moo-ha-ha!

The movie proper begins with college undergrads Nick (Dustin Milligan) and Gordon (Joel David Moore) being invited to hang out with the cool kids at Sara's (Sara Paxton) lake house, which is actually an island house in a lake.  Obviously, these coeds (who also include possible up-and-comers Alyssa Diaz, Chris Zylka, and singer Katharine McPhee) are looking for a weekend of sinning, but they settle for MPAA-approved activites, like playing beer pong on an inflatable beer pong table and wake boarding. There's just one thing these kids forgot: sharks hate coeds.  While wake boarding, a shark goes after Malik (Sinqua Walls), eventually taking his arm off with a remarkably clean bite.  So, big surprise, everybody --- the black guy in a horror movie is the first to die.  Actually, that's not quite true...not only does Malik survive, but the shark leaves his arm, unchewed, on the bottom of the lake.

It didn't attack for food...is this a hate crime?

Everybody initially assumes that Malik's arm was cut off by the boat propeller, but that nonsense thankfully lasts only a few minutes.  Actually, the director manages to take out two birds with one stone, dispelling that annoying idea and showing off what little T&A this movie can show:

"OMG, it's a shark!  Now...bend over a little more..."

From this point on, college undergraduates are on the menu for the sharks.  Yes, "sharks" plural.  Normally, I would laugh at the notion of sharks living in fresh water, but this movie hints that this lake is Lake Pontchartrain, the second-largest salt water lake in America.  Theoretically, if a shark found its way into the lake (which is right by New Orleans), it could survive, provided the temperature is right and it has a decent food supply. 

Example of "food supply"

How will these coeds keep themselves safe?  Certainly not by staying out of the water.  Thankfully, Shark Night 3D also adds some human villains to complicate matters.  One thing is for certain: it's going to be a long night for these innocent young adults.  A long SHARK night!  **sound of me high-fiving myself**

I don't even know where to begin discussing with Shark Night 3D.  The acting, maybe?  Well, there isn't much of it.  To be completely honest, I wasn't bothered by any of the actors.  I thought everyone played their parts about as well as the script asked for. 

It didn't ask for much, though

I found the non-college cast to be a little more interesting than the main cast.  Something makes me want to like Donald Logue, but I have no idea why, since he doesn't make good movies.  His monologue did provide some of the best unintentional laughs in the film, though.  I also liked the idea of Chris Carmack's character being upset for being "horribly disfigured;" he took a propeller to the face as a teen and looks like this:   

Casper Van Dien?

Joshua Leonard is more amusing, playing a redneck racist who sharpened his teeth into points.  I wonder if his character has anything to do with the sharks in the lake?

Director David R. Ellis has always been a hack, and Shark Night 3D is just the same old thing for him, only with 3D effects.  Ellis' movies have always had an R-rating to make them at least exploitative enough to be occasionally enjoyable, but he was definitely limited by the PG-13 rating.  I don't have a problem with  PG-13 horror movies, in theory.  But they can't be made the same way that R-rated horror movies are, since they can't show the same things.  While I truly believe that a shark attack movie without gore is pure idiocy, this could have worked if Ellis had tried to build suspense or built a mystery.  He didn't.  He went for sensational ridiculousness because that is what he knows best, but the film's rating makes his shocks and scares feel cheap.

A possible mystery: why is the shark wearing lipstick?

Of course, no one expected Shark Night 3D to actually be a good movie.  The goal was for this to be an entertaining movie, and it does have its moments.  The highlights:

- The shark breaching the water to kill the jetski rider was hilarious
- Main guy to douchey guy who is a nude model for art classes: "I had the pleasure of sketching your genitals every Tuesday and Thursday"
Douchey guy: "You're welcome"

And that's where most people's highlights would end.  But there are those who would watch this movie hoping to make it into a fun movie to get drunk to --- I get that impulse, too, sometimes.  Shark Night 3D is not the droid you're looking for, though.  Yes, the reasoning for why there are sharks in the lake is absolutely hilarious on a conceptual level.  Yes, the behavior of the sharks is amusingly unnatural; if you can do the math to explain how a shark could time the jetski death*, I will be forever thankful if you explain it in the comments.  Yes, there are more than a few moments where you will wonder whether or not something was intentional in this film.

Accidental, or really racist?  You decide

Focusing on those things can make this movie a little funny.  But there is a toll when you watch this film: it's boring.  Without gore or gratuitous nudity, you are left with a bad script with wretched dialogue and mediocre special effects.  The body count doesn't even hit double digits.  The tone of the movie is similar to that of David R. Ellis' Snakes on a Plane, just minus the foul language, violence, and nudity that made that movie fun to watch.  I'm not saying that you can't be a little entertained by watching it --- that is why I'm not spewing hate at this movie --- but there are so many better options than Shark Night 3D.

* Okay, so this guy is speeding on a jetski, being chased by sharks, right?  Right.  He turns to look back, and when he looks ahead again, he sees a gigantic shark breaching the water ahead of him and jumping right for him.  The combination of his speed in one direction and the shark's in the other works perfectly to kill the jetski rider.  But look closer at the scene:

The shark breached the water with barely any margin for error!  How could it time that leap so perfectly on a target that was moving toward it?  What is the margin for error here?  For that matter, how was the shark aware of the jetski rider in the first place?  Whatever the answers, I think we can all agree that this is one talented shark.