The Grudge (Unrated Extended Director's Cut)

31 Days of Horror: Day 4

"It never forgives.  It never forgets."  Is that tagline supposed to frighten me, or make me think that this is just a movie about an asshole?  Or perhaps it is a subtle ploy to get some sympathy cards?  Well, it's not working.  As part of my month of horror reviews, I wanted to contrast and compare a Japanese horror flick with its American remake.  I chose The Grudge because: A) I haven't seen Ju-On: The Grudge yet and B) I couldn't remember anything but Cat Boy from the American version.  I watched this movie when it came out on DVD with Danny O'D; I remembered him hateHATEhating the film, but couldn't remember why.  All I remembered was the general feeling of it being a crap movie.  But, unlike The Grudge, I both forget and forgive (all movies except The Doom Generation), so I gave this film another shot.

 

The Grudge begins with a foreword: "When someone dies in the grip of a powerful rage, a curse is born. The curse gathers in that place of death. Those who encounter it will be consumed by its fury."  So...it's a "curse," not a "grudge?"  We're not off to a great start, are we?

What if I told you there was ramen-sniffing later?  Is that better?

The film opens in Japan with Peter (Bill Pullman) committing suicide without saying a word of dialogue, which was both unexpected and hilarious. 

Above: America's greatest President, contemplating comedy gold

The story then cuts to Yoko (Yôko Maki), an in-home caretaker, stopping by the Williams family house to take care of an elderly patient.  When she arrives, neither Mr. or Mrs. Williams is home, which is odd, but creepy ol' Grannie Williams is, so Yoko gets to work.  Until, that is, she hears a noise upstairs.  Since this is an American horror movie and her name is Yoko, you know something bad is going to happen to her.  And it does.  She opens a closet door and is pulled into an attic, where bad things presumably happen.

At least she won't sing on the next Plastic Ono Band album

The next day, Yoko's boss (Ted Raimi) can't get her on the phone (not that she could talk, anyway) and decides to send in a substitute caretaker to make sure Yoko's patient is still alive and not rolling around in her own filth.  He chooses Karen (Sarah Michelle Gellar) for the job.  Karen arrives at the same house and finds the same creepy old lady, only this time the house is a bit of a mess.  Attic murder will do that to a place, I guess. After doing some preliminary cleaning up, Karen finds a little boy in the house.  He's not just any boy, though; this boy appears to be the local champion of Aggressive Staring.

This is the furthest thing I can imagine from the Care Bear Stare

Toshio (Yuya Ozeki) doesn't speak English, and of course Karen doesn't speak Japanese while living in Japan (stupid American!).  But remember that thing that yanked Yoko into the attic?  It's still in the house.  And that creepy kid?  Yeah, he only gets creepier.

This film was brought to you by the Commission to Never Adopt Asian Children

From this point forward, we follow Karen as she tries to understand the complex web of death surrounding the house.  Well, maybe it's not all that complex.  It seems like everyone who's ever been inside is vanishing.  But why?  And...Karen went inside!  Oh gosh, oh me, oh my!

Let's talk about the acting in The Grudge for a few moments.  As far as the creepy Asian grudgelings go, they were all fine.  You might recognize Takako Fuji and Yuya Ozeki as the creepy lady and Cat Boy from the original film, Ju-On: The Grudge.  They were respectably weird and unsettling, even if screen captures from their scariest scenes sometimes look like the opening to some disgusting fetish porn.

"It's so...how you say...BIG!"

Neither actor had a lot to do.  They had some weird sounds dubbed in and exaggerated facial expressions.  Fuji does a mean crab walk and Ozeki can open his mouth wide enough to make that weird cat siren noise unsettling instead of silly.  The script treats them more like walking avatars of death than actual characters, though.  Most of the actors were forced to play "normal" people that wandered cluelessly toward their death.  William Mapother and Clea DuVall, who both normally play one-note characters, were restricted to zero notes; by the time they showed up on-screen, it was obvious that they were there to be bland and increase the victim total, which they did.  I always like seeing Ted Raimi in movies, more because I know his brother is producing than thanks to any talent on Ted's part.  I was largely indifferent to KaDee Strickland's performance; her character did stupid things (what adult hides under her blanket?), but that's not Strickland's fault.

Why does the elevator have windows if they're just looking at hallways?

Jason Behr plays a theoretically important part in The Grudge, but he's hard to take seriously.  It's not just the fact that he has all the charm of a zombie squirrel, but he somehow finds a way to leave his mouth open whenever he is supposed to be conveying emotion.

Is that "abject despair" or "I forgot my keys"?

The lead in this film is, of course, Sarah Michelle Gellar.  I have nothing against Gellar usually --- she can deliver clever lines well, when they're given to her --- but she is a terrible horror actress.  Yes, she can scream, but there's more to the genre than that.  When Gellar is asked to play vulnerable characters, that requires her to show things like fear, concern, and uncertainty.  Apparently, those emotions are outside her range.

All she would need to look scared is glance at the old lady

What audiences get is a blend of "I don't get it" and "I have a concussion."

The Grudge was directed by Takashi Shimizu.  He also wrote and directed all four of the Japanese Ju-On movies before this one.  In other words, Shimizu knows his creepy Asian kids.

With all that practice, it astounds me at how boring The Grudge is.   It has possibly the worst pacing I have ever seen in a horror movie.  I can enjoy a slow-building horror flick, but it needs payoff.  All we get in this movie is a series of short stories about people looking worried, a boy with a meow instead of a voice, and somebody dies or disappears.  But the audience doesn't know or care about any of the victims and the killer has the personality of a shadow...so who are we supposed to be rooting for or against?  I also wasn't crazy for the cinematography.  In a movie that could have had some interesting camera angles providing hints or visual cues, it was shot in a very straightforward way.

Except for the rap video, of course

Before I ramble on about the many faults of The Grudge, I should point out that there are a few very good visual moments.  Both Toshio and the lady with all the hair were visually stunning.  Toshio's cat noises were definitely unique and unsettling.  The lady being under the covers, while really stupid, was definitely one of the highlights of the film, visually.  My favorite moment, though, was the fingers in Gellar's hair.

Unfortunately, not a result of punching through her face

That was a great moment, even if Gellar's acting didn't capitalize on that moment of confused terror.

I can see why some people might be frightened by The Grudge.  It's a supernatural threat that attacks you without any clear cause and it can come after you anywhere at any time.  But there are a lot better scary movies out there.  Let's look at the story.  It is told in a nonlinear fashion, so there isn't a logical build to a clear threat or showdown.  Instead, there is sequence after sequence of people entering a house and dying.  Except when they don't, in which case the weird killer ghost things follow you home or (if you're Sarah Michelle Gellar) let you live for presumably several months in fear.  Where's the scares or suspense in that?  And then there is an inexplicable time-travel/mind-reading/flashback scene where past events are shown in not-cliche-at-all grainy black-and-white.  This is the scene where the dastardly secret of this film is supposed to be explained, and the best way to do that is by having Sarah Michelle Gellar warp time and space?  I would have been fine with that (maybe) if the reveal was interesting at all.  But it's not.  No shit, some people got murdered in the house --- we've known that for a damn hour!

But did you know it caused GHOST CRAWLING?!?

Maybe the filmmakers thought that the Bill Pullman subplot was the thing to truly hook audiences: "Remember that guy we killed in the opening scene and have barely referenced since?  Let's tie him into an unemotional climax!"  The Grudge is a film that wants to make you afraid to be alone (which apparently happens all the time in urban Japan), but all it has to offer is a bogeyman.  There is very little gore, zero suspense, and a nonsensical plot that ensures that you don't give a crap about the fate of anyone in the movie.

That is the expression I had on my face for this whole movie

The Grudge is a bad, dull movie.  It only narrowly avoided actively pissing me off, and that was simply because I just can't gather up enough hate to overcome my indifference.  Watching this is really making me dread watching the Japanese version.

Dragon Wars: D-War

Here's a bit of wisdom I learned from the beginning of this movie: "Every 500 years, a young woman is born."  End of sentence.  Thank you for the insightful information, Dragon Wars.

Dragon Wars is a South Korean movie that actually received a theatrical release in the United States, which is pretty rare.  It was called D-War in most other countries, but I guess Americans associate "D" with "douche" when the rest of the world apparently thinks "dragon."  I wonder why that is?  And no, I do not know why the "war" is pluralized in the American title.

This movie gave me a rash inside my brain, so I'm going to try and blow through the plot pretty quickly.  In modern times, a reporter, Ethan (Jason Behr), manages to get in close to a disaster scene.  This leads to Ethan remembering something, and we flash back twenty-five years, to a day when Ethan's dad left him alone in a curiosity shop with an unsmiling man (Robert Forster) named Jack.  Don't worry, this isn't the molestation episode of Diff'rent Strokes.  Jack wants Ethan alone so he can tell him a special story.  You see, around the year 1500 AD, the Yuh-Yi-Joo --- the woman who is born with the ability to change an Imoogi dragon into a different kind of dragon, obviously --- was faced with a problem.  There are two Imoogis that want to transform, one good and one evil.  And apparently, she either didn't know which one to pick, or had stage fright, or something dumb like that.  Anyway, her guardian/boyfriend decided that the best option was for them to jump off a cliff to their deaths.  And Ethan is that guardian reincarnated.  Obviously.  It is up to Ethan to find the reincarnated Yuh-Yi-Joo and help her, I don't know, not transform the mean Imoogi?  It's not that I don't understand the plot of this movie, but he's never really given very good instructions, so I'm not sure what his master plan is supposed to be aside from not letting the bad guys win.  Back in modern times, Ethan manages to track down the new Yuh-Yi-Joo, Sarah (Amanda Brooks), just in time for a dragon-worshiping army to invade their city looking for her.  Good luck protecting Sarah from bad guys who look kind of like Uruk-hai riding giant lizards.

Promotional still from the CBS Fall replacement comedy, I Will Rape the Corpses of Your Family.

Here's first sign that this is an awful movie: any character that hears the back story to this film asks, "What are you talking about?"  It's not like they were genuinely reacting to the nonsensical story; that is what the screenwriters wanted them to say.  Another bad sign: the police in this movie refer to a giant dragon attacking a skyscraper as a "Code 3."  Really?  Three?  It's that common?  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad the police are prepared for any eventuality, but that just seems unlikely.  Another clue that this isn't the great fantasy/action movie the filmmakers probably (but not definitely) had in mind?  It has this guy playing a dramatic supporting role:

Personally, I like Craig Robinson.  His presence in a comedic movie or television show doesn't guarantee quality, but I generally enjoy him when I see him.  He hasn't done much in the realm of dramatic acting, though, so his casting here is kind of puzzling.  And this isn't one of those comedian-trying-to-earn-an-Oscar roles, either; he's just Ethan's co-worker.  Robinson isn't bad in this movie, it's just that he is obviously not being used for comic relief, and yet he is not being used for dramatic effect, either.  Well, as far as comedic actors in fantasy/action movies go, it could have been a lot worse.

'Nuff said.

But enough about how weird it is for Craig Robinson to be in a Korean dragon movie.  What about the rest of the cast?  Uniformly awful.  Jason Behr does his very best Dimitri Martin impression,

Pop quiz: is he from a cancelled Comedy Central or WB show?

but his expression-free acting and ridiculous dialogue made me wonder if the part was written for Keanu Reeves.  His Yuh-Yi-Joo was played by Amanda Brooks, who adds adds a much-needed strong female role her own specialty to this film: a look of confusion that mirrors that of the audience.  I would say that Robert Forster looked embarrassed as the creepy old man that explains the back story, but that would require him to show any emotion at all, something he has never excelled at in his forty-plus years of acting.  Of course, more than a little of the blame should be given to director Hyung-rae Shim, who spent years on this movie and still ended up with final takes from his actors that other directors wouldn't include in their blooper reels.

But is anyone really interested in the acting found in Dragon Wars?  Of course not!  Dragons are the name of the game here, and this movie delivers in...um...snakes with antlers?

Okay, I get it.  Just because I think of fire-breathing dinosaurs with wings when I think of "dragons" doesn't mean that's how they are seen in Korea.  This movie opts for the more snake-like charm of traditional Chinese dragons.  They don't breathe fire and they don't fly.  Except when they do, which appears to be arbitrary.  And none of them look like European dragons.  Except for some of them.

How did it not get hit by the propeller?

If you think this is going to be a dumb action movie, you're only half right.  The action isn't worth tuning in for.  The CGI effects would have been astonishing, if this film had come out before the first Jurassic Park.  For a movie that was released (in theaters!) in 2007, this isn't what you would expect.  Even if you enjoy foreign movies (and I do) that are more than a little ridiculous (that's me again) this movie still disappoints because it's just life-suckingly bad at what it wants to do.

Now, if you're in the mood for a bad movie, Dragon Wars is certainly worth a thought.  Do you enjoy laughing at repeated acts of poor filmmaking?  Then keep an eye out for the single car that spins out whenever a CGI snake dragon is supposed to be tearing down a street; it's easy to spot, since it is the only car driving on the roads --- of Los Angeles, mind you --- in any of these scenes.  Do you like seeing huge armies that are seemingly intimately familiar with a variety of dragon-like creatures, despite having 500 years in between the last time these secret armies last rode to war?  Then you will love the lumbering, rocket launcher-carrying monsters that are equipped with old-timey football helmets for their safety.

Who forgot to fix the dinosaurs' chin straps?

It's interesting that the movie never addresses who this evil army is, or how they became such a military precision machine.  I can suspend my disbelief for a cult army of a few hundred creepy guys, but this is an organized military group, complete with uniforms, armor, and weapons --- not to mention dragons and dinosaurs, equipped with goddamned rocket launchers.  Who are these people, and where do they practice?  Of course, it's even more interesting that the movie never asks the question "Why didn't the good dragon fight the bad one 500 years ago?" 

Perhaps the greatest question comes at the end.  Ethan and Sarah are kidnapped and brought to the evil base, which is an enormous castle complex located in what appears to be Mordor.  Why they brought Ethan with is beyond me, but it's probably the same reasoning they used to attack Sarah with dragons and rockets, when they needed her alive.  Anyways, the whole climax thing happens and suddenly Ethan is left all alone, with no bad or good guys left.  He's just alone in Mordor, with fire-cracked plains stretching out in all directions, as far as the eye can see.  How is he supposed to get home?  Is he supposed to walk?  Is that supposed to be a happy ending?  The hero is going to die of dehydration and exposure.  Actually, that does make me feel a little better about watching this. 

 Of course, I love asking questions about dumb movies.  It gives me pleasure.  So, I grant Dragon Wars Lefty Gold status as entertainment despite awfulness.