You Only Live Twice

Ah, You Only Live Twice.  This is one of the more landmark titles in the James Bond catalog for a few reasons.  The novel (the twelfth book in the series) was the last published during Ian Fleming's lifetime.  The book took place immediately after On Her Majesty's Secret Service, which meant that YOLT essentially followed Bond as he hunted down Blofeld to avenge his dead wife.  In many ways, this was part of a decade-long evolution for the character.  The film, though, was only the fifth Bond made, and I think we can agree that character evolution is definitely not a high priority in the film franchise.  This one actually came out before OHMSS, too, so...if Bond hasn't been married yet in the film series, then what is he supposed to be doing in this movie?

Oh...right.

After the underwater ridiculousness of Thunderball, it is not that surprising that You Only Live Twice opens with a sequence set in another unlikely location: space.  When the Americans send some astronauts into orbit in a pellet-sized spacecraft, everything goes off without a hitch.  Once it is in orbit, though, another significantly larger spacecraft sneaks up behind it and pulls a Pac-Man.

"It's like my worst nightmare for my penis.  What?!?" - Actual quote from me, 10 years ago

The Pac-Man ship then returns to Earth, but the Americans are unable to track or communicate with their shuttle, much less the enormous stealth ship.  Who could do such a thing and why?  While "space pirates" may be the logical conclusion to draw, the Americans conclude that it is the Russians that are up to no good.  The year was 1967, though, and "Russians up to no good" was the step before "mutually assured destruction" on the American government's foreign policy flow chart.  Luckily, the British also paid attention to the space launch, and they tracked the mystery craft's landing to the Sea of Japan.  But who will they send to investigate?

Ninjas, obviously.  It is Japan, you know.

Normally, you would assume the answer to be James Bond (Sean Connery).  Sadly, he was murdered about five minutes into the film and given a funeral at sea.  I guess that's what happens when entire international terrorist organizations know who you are; when the "secret" in "secret agent" goes away, you are basically a walking target.  Bond was such a terrible secret agent that his death was even front page news!  Thankfully, the audience is saved from a film where Q (Desmond Llewelyn) uses his gadgets to infiltrate/seduce his way through an island fortress.  James Bond isn't actually dead, silly!  It was all a ruse to convince SPECTRE, the SPecial Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion, of Bond's death.  With that one man, who they were presumably tracking constantly, out of the way, they can go about their evil plans with less secrecy and/or care.  That means they can launch Pac-Man spaceships from their secret volcano base whenever they want, especially if their next target is a Russian spacecraft; with the Americans and Russians missing ships it will be obvious that they are facing a common foe they will obviously declare war on each other!  But since Bond is really alive, he will be able to try and foil those dastardly plans.  Since he is so infamous among SPECTRE agents, though, Bond will obviously have to disguise himself as a Japanese man to make it all work.

"You have got to be bullshitting me"  Nope.

I've been thinking a bit about SPECTRE's acronym lately.  Sure, you've got to love any group of admitted terrorists and extortionists that also include revenge as a key value --- organizations that take personal interests in their henchmen are the most successful kind --- but I don't know how much I like the "SP."  Did they just come up with "SPECTRE" and then try to find words to fit the acronym, but they couldn't think of any nasty words that begin with "P"?  Or did they just add the "P" because they thought that "SECTRE" sounded too ridiculous?  Personally, I would have been happy with rearranging the acronym to spell "STREEC"; the monologues would have been great: "And we will STREEC our vengeance across the baseball field of capitalism, until security apprehends us...no, wait..."

Although STREEC would imply why so many of their agents get naked

You Only Live Twice was Sean Connery's final Bond movie, until he made two more.  While he is certainly not as charming or bad-ass as he had been in the last few films, Connery still turned in an okay performance.  His toupee (he wore one in every Bond pic) was a bit more noticeable to me this time, though, and the script required him to look fairly incompetent as a secret agent --- him getting shown up by Aki so easily was painful to watch --- but Connery managed to not look embarrassed by the film's stupidity, at least.  The villain du jour was SPECTRE Number One, Blofeld (Donald Pleasence) himself.  This was the first time audiences got to see the villain's face, and he was suitably memorable.  While Blofeld isn't terribly impressive here --- he commits the sin of not killing Bond in a timely fashion --- he is suitably ruthless and ridiculous in equal parts.  Pleasence is fine, though his role requires him to keep a monotonous vocal cadence and an effeminate walk.

Blofeld chokes out an incompetent underling

The rest of the supporting cast is less stellar.  Tetsurô Tanba was mediocre as the Japanese equivalent of Felix Leiter; he would have been more likable if his plans weren't completely idiotic.  Speaking of idiotic characters, Karin Dor played the entendre-free Helga Brandt, who captured Bond, has sex with Bond, drugs Bond, then puts him in a small plane, which she pilots until he wakes up, at which point she parachutes to safety.  JUST SHOOT HIM, LADY!  Dor isn't that bad of an actress here, but it's impossible to make a character like that look good.  The other Bond girl in this picture is Mie Hama, who played the traditionally named (by Bond movie standards) Kissy Suzuki.  Hama was fairly worthless, essentially spending her time on camera just running from one place to another in a bikini.  That was far less irritating than Helga Brandt's stupidity, so Hama's lack of acting skills or quality dialogue is easily overlooked.  It is amusing to note that the Japanese Hama's dialogue was dubbed over by frequent Bond-girl-voiceover artist (and German national) Nikki Van der Zyl.

L-R: Hama acting, Connery bored

Aside from that, we have the usual suspects making brief appearances.  Desmond Llewelyn reprised his role as Q, although it is worth noting that Bond requested the more ridiculous gadgets this time around.  Lois Maxwell and Bernard Lee also returned as Moneypenny and M, respectively; none of these three did anything special this time around, but in a cast of hundreds it can be nice to see some familiar faces.

You Only Live Twice was the first Bond film to be directed by Lewis Gilbert.  The result was...okay, I guess.  This movie feels like a more ridiculous version of Dr. No in many ways (which mediocre screenwriter/excellent author Roald Dahl freely admitted), and the plot elements that differentiate it from other Bond movies --- Japan, basically --- aren't handled very well.  To be fair, it is easy to laugh at the low-rent ninjas in this movie, but this film was made before any awesome kung-fu movies had success in the West.  Gilbert inherited quite a mess when he signed up for this movie --- he had a first-time screenwriter, a star openly planning to leave the franchise, they had to recast Blofeld after filming started, the screenplay essentially omits the entire book, and the Japanese actresses had to switch roles because Mie Hama's English was so bad --- so I suppose it is a miracle that You Only Live Twice is as good as it is.  Still, the only truly iconic moment this entry in the series has is the appearance of Blofeld.  Aside from that, Gilbert oversaw a lot of ridiculousness.

What sets You Only Live Twice apart from the films that came before it is just how hilariously stupid entire chunks of the plot are.  Now, I own (and have read) the novel that the film takes its title from, and I can attest that the book --- which spends a lot of time just describing Japanese things --- would have made for a difficult direct adaptation.  Roald Dahl's screenplay (the first Bond screenplay to deviate significantly from the source material) is not much of an improvement. I liked that the filmmakers attempted to address Bond's failure as a secret agent, but everything past that was just goofy.  There are suspiciously placed trap doors, villains who allegedly recognize everything about Bond (including his gun!) but fail to recognize him in a face-to-face (and, in one case, junk-to-junk) interaction, and the action highlight is Bond in a weaponized mini-copter.

I think my favorite scene in the film has Bond being driven away from some SPECTRE thugs, who are pursuing in a car.  Bond's Japanese contact then radios for help, requesting "the usual reception."  A helicopter then arrives (that was fast) with a powerful magnet dangling underneath it; the chopper then drops the magnet on the villains' car and lifts the car off the road and drops it in a lake/ocean nearby. 

And that is the "usual" reception

That naturally leads viewers to a few conclusions.  First, Japanese bodies of water are filled with automobiles and dead terrorists.  Second, there is another, more outlandish way that Japanese secret agents get rid of unwanted followers; what the "unusual" reception would be staggers the imagination.  My best guess involves Godzilla.  Of course, the biggest bit of silliness in this movie is the part where James Bond is given a Japanese makeover to make him look like an average Japanese fisherman.  This involves a bad wig, learning a few things about Japanese culture, and (I swear) altering his eyes slightly. 

The result: a stereotypical Japanese man

Surprisingly, this movie isn't nearly as offensively racist as that might sound.  Still, it comes close more than a few times.  There's a lot more that is wrong with this movie (Why did Bond get married?  Unarmed astronauts > armed henchmen?), but I actually don't mind all the moronic moments.  It certainly isn't one of the best Bonds, but if you embrace the ridiculousness, this can be a lot of fun.  What You Only Live Twice lacks in style and utter awesomeness it more than makes up for with a brazen dedication to a truly silly plot.  When you add that to a still-young Connery in the lead role and a memorable villain, you have a solid (though definitely not great) entry in the Bond series.

Thunderball

What the hell is a Thunderball?  According to the always lyrically helpful Tom Jones, it is a way in which you can strike.  As in, "he strikes like Thunderball."  Is that innuendo?  Could the mysterious term be replaced with Hurricanejunk or Tornadocock?  I have to admit, I've always been puzzled by that.  In the context of the film Thunderball, it is the code name of MI6's plan to thwart the evil plans of SPECTRE --- the SPecial Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge, extortion and awesome acronymsE.  It's been a while since I have reviewed a James Bond film --- over five months! --- which means that I have accidentally been depriving myself of the best super-spy in the business for almost half a year.  That ends today.

"So, it's your SPECTRE against mine."  I've never seen someone so pleased with a "subtle" jab.

The always ingenious SPECTRE organization has struck again!  But instead of manipulating other nations (From Russia With Love) or messing with the space program (Dr. No), SPECTRE has decided to grow a pair and straight-out threaten the world.  In a ridiculously complicated plot, which involves plastic surgery and an evil spa, the organization manages to steal some nuclear weapons and they (quite logically, I think) opt to ransom the Western world for £100 million in diamonds.  Huh.  I forgot that Doctor Evil joke was actually accurate.  As luck would have it, agent 007, James Bond (Sean Connery) happened to be convalescing at the same spa where SPECTRE people were preparing for the nuke snatch.

That is one unsettling smirk

This is immediately following Bond killing SPECTRE operative Number 6.  What are the odds that he would foil one SPECTRE operation and stumble into another?  If you immediately thought "one in 007," smack yourself, please.  How can Bond possibly try to avert this very serious, no-fooling nuclear catastrophe?  By befriending the mistress of SPECTRE operative Number 2, Largo (Adolpho Celi), and more or less baiting the supervillain.

The problem with Bond villains: Largo handing James a gun

More than any other Bond film, Thunderball is truly the blueprint for the series.  Dr. No was too small-time, From Russia With Love was too espionage-heavy, and Goldfinger was just a one-off run at awesomeness.  This is the first Bond movie that dared to dream big and wasn't afraid to be completely ridiculous in the process. 

"I have no idea what you are referring to"

Thunderball really has all the Bond benchmarks.  Gadgets from Q (Desmond Llewelyn)?  Check.  Over the top villains?  I think a shark-loving, baccarat-playing, one-eyed henchman fits the bill.  Big stakes?  It doesn't get much bigger than nuclear terrorism.  Ridiculous action sequences?  There is a jet pack scene, a swimming pool filled with sharks, and a car equipped with weaponized and pressurized water.  Bond girls?  This movie has three.  One-liners?  Oh, my, yes.  In so many ways, Thunderball is the quintessential Bond movie.

This was the fourth James Bond film, and the fourth time Sean Connery played the character.  Connery's Bond is the most interesting to watch because he changes his style subtly with each outing.  While this may be his fourth time playing Bond, this Bond is a lot cockier than before (which is saying a lot) and he's a bit of a prick.  I'm totally fine with that choice, but it does lead to some of the more ridiculous (and awesome) moments in the movie.  Adolpho Celi doesn't really stand a a chance against such a confident and competent secret agent.  Celi isn't bad, but his character's main talent is ruthlessness, which is negated in every scene where he doesn't shoot Bond in the face.  Aside from that gaping plot hole, Celi is fine, but nowhere near as engaging as any of the Bond villains up to this point, mostly thanks to his stupid character.  I mean, he's supposed to be representing a super-secret villainous organization, right?  Look at this picture: 

He's wearing his damn SPECTRE class ring!  What is it about "super-secret organization" that he doesn't get?  Bah!

The rest of the cast is more sensible.  The requisite Bond girls are all halfway decent.  Claudine Auger played the primary Bond lady, Domino, and she probably had the meatiest role of any Bond girl to date.  She didn't deserve any awards or anything, but she stands out amongst her peers here. 

Auger, trying to unravel Van Morrison's "Domino" lyrics.  Probably.

Bond also seduced Fiona, a SPECTRE agent, played by Luciana Paluzzi; she had good crazy eyes, but the best thnig about her performance was simply being on the receiving end of Bond saying he got sexy with her "for Queen and Country."  My favorite Bond girl in this movie was definitely Bond's physical therapist (Molly Peters) from both an attractiveness standpoint as well as an amusing one.  This is the character that Bond blackmails into having sex, overreacts to his bizarre mink lecture, and then gets completely blown off by Bond when he leaves.  I wouldn't call her a role model for little girls, but she definitely plays into the irresistible mystique of Bond.  The usual suspects also make their typical brief appearances, like Desmond Llewelyn as Q, Bernard Lee as M, and Lois Maxwell as Miss Moneypenny.  Rik Van Nutter won the annual sweepstakes to make a one-off appearance as Felix Leiter, although his filmography implies that his selection just may have been at random.

Interesting James Bond fact: most of the early Bond girls had their dialogue dubbed over by Nikki Van der Zyl.  Apparently, the foreign models used in these movies had thick accents and/or limited acting ability (**gasp!**), so Nikki did the voices for most of the sexy women in nine (!) of the first eleven Bond films, including Domino.  Sadly, she is not named in any of the credits of these films.  I just stumbled across this knowledge, and it astounded me that there could be such a huge Bond contributor that I had absolutely no knowledge of.

This is the third and final James Bond film directed by Terence Young.  While Thunderball lacks the spy intrigue of his earlier work, Young definitely left his mark on the franchise.  The underwater scenes in this film are what stand out the most.  To this day, the underwater cinematography in this film is some of the best ever done, and it is probably on the largest scale, too.  Aside from the underwater scenes, Young appears to have relaxed a little, and it shows in how nasty and smart-assed Connery is allowed to be.  I don't think that's a good or bad thing; it's just noticeable.

This is framed in my home.  Fact.

Unfortunately, Young's strongest point is also Thunderball's weakest.  The underwater scenes, while pretty, are dreadfully dull.  They are long, the otherwise awesome score becomes irritatingly repetitive during them, and it is very difficult to identify characters when they are in full-body wetsuits with masks on.  Oh, and everything happens slowly underwater.  This was the biggest Bond movie to date, and yet you can tell that the filmmakers were struggling with ways to top themselves.  This was also the most tongue-in-cheek Bond movie to date.  When you combine an increased tendency for one-liners with extended periods free of dialogue (the underwater scenes, duh), you wind up with a poorly paced film.  Of course, the plot is also one of the stupider plots in the history of Bond plots, where believability is usually not a priority.  Why do Largo and Bond maintain a polite rivalry?  There is no need for it, whatsoever; they're not fooling each other, so I don't get the point.  I could deal with the water scenes if there was more espionage in the rest of the film.  Despite all of that, Thunderball truly is the best example of a James Bond 007 film.  It doesn't have a great story and it is definitely flawed thanks to its signature action sequence, but it is charming and cool.  It is silly and stupid, but nowhere near as hammy or dumb as the later Roger Moore films.  It's not perfect by any means, but it is definitely definitive Bond.

Fun fact: Johnny Cash submitted a song he wrote for this soundtrack.  It's not half bad, but it sure isn't a Bond theme.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

I absolutely love Raiders of the Lost Ark.  It will forever be one of my all-time favorite movies, and I will giggle at the same points or point out the same technical errors every time I see it until the day I die.  The other Indy movies though...I'm not nearly as big a fan of.  I know that's a bit of an understatement when it comes to Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but I've never been a fan of Temple of Doom, either.  Last Crusade has always been my number two Indy film, partly because it was the one I saw first (I think) and partly because it is the closest to Raiders in its tone.  I loved this movie when I was growing up, but the last time I saw it (it's been years), I was struck by how silly and almost campy it gets.  Let's see how time has changed my feelings, shall we?

The film opens with a young Indiana Jones (River Phoenix) on a Boy Scout trip, where we learn the origin of many Indy-related things.  We learn how he came to wield a bullwhip, how he got the scar on his chin, what instigated his fear of snakes, and what inspired his awesome leather jacket/fedora combination.  It's a fun action sequence, but it doesn't really factor much into the plot.

The movie begins in proper with Professor Indiana Jones (Harrision Ford) being approached a wealthy antiquity collector, Walter Donovan (Julian Glover), to assume leadership over the project he has funded to seek the Holy Grail; the last leader has recently gone missing.  Indiana refuses at first, suggesting that Donovan should hire his estranged father, Henry Jones (Sean Connery), because he is one of the most prominent Grail scholars in the world; Donovan replies that he already had --- Henry was the man who went missing.  This convinces Indy to follow his father's footsteps, because the only reason anyone would want to capture or hurt Henry was to learn about the Grail; the logic is if you find one, you'll find the other along the way.  So, off goes Indiana Jones, on history's greatest scavenger hunt to find Christianity's holiest sacred object.  Along the way, he falls for a girl, fights some Nazis, and reunites with his father.

Charlie Chaplin's dramatic turn

Sure, I could go more into the plot, but what does that accomplish?  It's an adventure, and it should be experienced like one.  Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade does a lot of things right, and it begins with the cast.  Harrison Ford's best character is Indiana Jones, and he's not reduced to pimp slapping women or children in this movie (like he was in Temple of Doom).  Instead, he's back to the clever, puzzle-solving pugilist we all know and love.  Sean Connery is pretty endearing as Indiana's book-smart (but not street-smart) father.  While his character is responsible for most of the film's humor, I thought Connery and Ford worked very well as an exasperated father/son combination.  Former Bond girl Alison Doody played the part of Dr. Elsa Schneider, both friend and foe to the Joneses.  She wasn't great, but she played her part as villain and ally just fine.  Denholm Elliott and John Rhys-Davies were both welcome additions to the cast as they resumed their roles from the original film, but neither really had the same impact this time around.  Still, it was nice to see them.  Julian Glover did a pretty solid job as the bad guy, but he wasn't quite villainous enough for my taste; lucky for him, he had Nazis on his side to help him seem worse.  I also thought River Phoenix did a very good job as a young Indiana.  Phoenix was often a very good actor, but I thought he did a good job carrying himself like the established character and not just becoming an infantile version.  His hair was absolutely ridiculous, though.

That sure looks like a 1912 haircut, Indy.

Steven Spielberg directed this, and it plays to his strengths.  When it comes to epic adventure and fun, there are few directors that can compete with Spielberg when he feels like making a popcorn flick.  The tone of the first half of this film is definitely reminiscent of Raiders of the Lost Ark, but that's not a bad thing.  Things change when Sean Connery shows up and adds some comedic elements to the film, but this is certainly a sequel with the spirit of the original in mind.  In my mind, Spielberg has two areas of expertise.  One is his talent for finding unexpected laughs in otherwise serious scenes, like the whole "Jehovah starts with an 'I'" bit.  The other is the majestic way he reveals things in movies, like the perspective bridge.

Wrong Holy Grail bridge scene, sorry.

The pace of the film is brisk, there is action every few minutes, but it manages to not feel like a dumb action movie.  You never realize just how hard it is to make an intelligent action movie until you watch a few dozen Jean-Claude Van Damme movies in a row.  The camerawork is also good, although the special effects are sometimes a little dated.  In particular, the blimp doesn't look too impressive any more, but that's definitely a minor flaw.  I think what impressed me most in this movie is the opening action sequence with River Phoenix.  Spielberg managed to create a very fluid and extended series of shots --- any one of which could have been suitable opening action scenes for a typical movie --- and still show off character traits in the process.

Speaking of the action scenes, there's a lot of them.  The good news is that they're all good.  In fact, this film might have the only decent boat chase ever; that's kind of like having the least smelly poop, I know, but it's still an accomplishment.  I think these scenes were fit into the film because Spielberg had a checklist of things he wanted Indy to fight ("We've got a tank...a blimp...a boat...how about a Nazi castle?"), but everything flows together pretty well.  The great thing about Indiana Jones is that he takes a beating when he's fighting on screen, so nothing ever looks too easy.  That's just part of his charm.

Last Crusade is certainly charming, but it is not without its problems.  I think it's kind of silly that a famously generous philanthropist (Donovan donates a lot to the museum) is the film's antagonist.  Darn those generous evil men who don't value human life!  I wish the protectors of the Grail were a little more effective than my beloved Chicago Cubs --- neither has had a big win in 2000-ish years.  I'm pretty sure that they didn't shoot a single Nazi in this whole movie.  And remember when they lit the catacombs on fire?  Indy manages to escape and climb out of a manhole in the street, only to find the Grail guys sprinting out of the library to catch him; shouldn't they have been assuming that Indy was a crispy critter right about then?  What made them check out in the street?  More to the point, why were they sprinting?  You would think two thousand years would have been enough time to practice how to kill people, but I guess you never know until the time comes.  I'm also a little confused by the catacomb fire scene on Indy's side of things; if the liquid he is swimming in it petroleum, shouldn't it hurt really, really bad when he opens his eyes underwaterpetroleum?  And those are just the silly things in the story.

There's a lot more strangeness going on with the characters.  For starters, I am going to have to submit Harrison Ford's (I presume intentionally) awful Scottish accent as one of the cartooniest foreign accents ever to grace a blockbuster picture.  What kind of a plan centers on something that stupid?  A bad plan, I agree.  Too bad it worked.  That's nothing compared to the evolution of Marcus Brody.  In the original film and the first part of this one, Marcus is a respectable, intelligent academic.  From the moment the Grail protectors knock him on the head, though, he becomes a bumbling idiot.  "But they're just making him a fish out of water in those later scenes.  He's book smart, not street smart."  Quiet, you.  I stand by "bumbling idiot."

Side note: Indiana Jones is the worst college professor ever.  He skips office hours, refuses to grade papers, goes missing for weeks at a time, and your girlfriend has a crush on him.

One of my biggest complaints about Last Crusade is also one of the aspects that makes it so unique --- the humor.  I'm pretty certain that Spielberg made a conscious effort to make a more light-hearted movie than Temple of Doom (which helped lead to the creation of the PG-13 rating), and to do so, he added comic relief.  Most of that came from the interactions between Henry and Indiana Jones.  Comic relief is fine by me, but I wish that Indy wasn't the butt of the jokes; if someone was exasperated or comically injured thanks to Henry, it was usually Indy.  It doesn't help that Marcus becomes an idiot halfway through the film, but the majority of the jokes come from Henry.  And yet, I like the dynamic between father and son, and I thought both actors did a good job.  It's kind of annoying when the one aspect of a film that makes you roll your eyes is also the (pretty effective) heart of the story, too.

That's the kind of movie Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is; even its worst parts contribute to the film's strengths.  Plus, it's got a ton of wicked awesome scenes in it.My personal favorites are the "No tickets" bit on the blimp, and "He chose...poorly."

...and featuring Christopher Lloyd!

Last Crusade is not my favorite Indy movie, but it stands up pretty well on its own.  It doesn't necessarily improve on the formula from the original movie, but it plays along and adds more heart.  Aside from some corny humor --- which isn't nearly as campy as I remembered --- this is a great big fun adventure.  And that's exactly what it should be.

You might have noticed the famous Wilhelm Scream when the Grail protectors fight the Nazis.  I notice it in a lot of movies, but this time I was inspired to look it up online.  Here's a fun little compilation.

From Russia With Love

The overriding theme of the first James Bond movie, Dr. No, is that James Bond is awesome.  The theme of the second James Bond movie, From Russia With Love, is that James Bond is awesomer than before.  Do you really need proof?  Fine.  One of the central plot lines in this movie has a low-level Soviet agent defecting to England because she fell in love with the photograph of Bond in her Soviet files --- and British Intelligence's reaction is "While unusual, I'm willing to believe it."  That's right.  Bond is so manly that the mere sight of him causes the ladies to defect (which sounds like a dirty fetish, but is instead just dangerous).  In short, James Bond's picture is more awesome than most men in person.

The film opens with a dangerous cat-and-mouse game where James Bond is stalking/being stalked by an agent of SPECTRE, the international organization of eee-veeel.  The SPECTRE agent, Grant (a young Robert Shaw) actually gets the upper hand and garrotes Bond to death!  Well, it turns out to be a random dude with a Mission Impossible II-quality Bond mask and a tuxedo, so it's not all that impressive.  Still, we learn a few very important things about SPECTRE in this scene.  First, we learn that SPECTRE is willing to kill people to better train their agents, which is a very eee-veeel thing to do.  Second, we learn that this exercise takes place on --- wait for it --- SPECTRE Island.  For an organization that keeps the names of its agents secret (we see Numbers One, Three, and Five in this film), that is a hilariously not secret name for their secret base.  I hope that's the actual name of the island, as it appears on maps.  And thirdly, SPECTRE fully expects to kill James Bond while wearing a tux.  Sure, that's a possibility, I guess, but why go to the expense of fitting a corpse-to-be with a nice tuxedo and then have his death bowel spasms soil the suit?  Wait...don't tell me...I can figure this one out...SPECTRE has their live bait wear tuxedos because...um...their international crime syndicate uses dry cleaners as legitimate business fronts for their terrorist activities!  I feel so smart right now.

Anyway, SPECTRE's ace planner/eee-veeel chess master, Number Five, comes up with a plan that will achieve three objectives if successful: it will increase tensions between East and West (this was the Cold War, you know), SPECTRE will get a valuable decoding device, and James Bond (Sean Connery) will die for meddling with Dr. No in the last movie.  The plan is to convince a loyal and beautiful Communist worker with access to the decoding device to pretend to defect to England; she will offer to steal the device, but only if James Bond is the agent assigned to aid her defection.  SPECTRE will kill everyone involved and steal the decoder, leaving the West to believe that SMERSH (Soviet counterintelligence) did the deed and vice versa.  Bond and MI6 (British Intelligence) assume that it is all a trap, but the decoder is worth the risk, so Bond agrees to go to.  Of course, a picture of the defecting Soviet, Tatiana (Daniela Bianchi), helps Bond make his decision. 

No wonder she wants to defect...they can't even afford pants in Russia!

As far as Bond plots go, From Russia With Love is one of the most straight-forward.  We know that Tatiana isn't terribly duplicitous.  We know SPECTRE is pulling the strings, and we know who their agents are in the film.  We know that Bond knows that this is all a trap.  This is all set up at the beginning of the movie, so there's no real twist in this film.  Instead, we get to see the best espionage-counterespionage Bond to date.

Once again, Sean Connery is James Bond, and he's so good in this movie.  He's not quite as cocky as he gets in Goldfinger, but still well aware of his charms.  Heck, he should be --- the story is based on the premise that his looks are undeniably defection-worthy.  Aside from that, though, this is perhaps the smartest and most realistic Bond of the sixties; he's a little more sophisticated, a little less campy, and he's a lot more confident.  How else do you explain this exchange?

Tatiana: My friends call me Tanya.
JB: My friends call me James Bond.
[...]
Tatiana: I think my mouth is too big.
JB: I think it's just the right size.  For me, that is!

Bam!  Now that is how to simultaneously distance yourself emotionally and yet also innuendo yourself into some sexy time!  James, you are the master.  That dialogue is a little dirtier once you know that Tatiana was naked under some bedsheets while they introduced themselves and SPECTRE agents were, for some reason, preparing to film them having sex.  I guess the "P" in SPECTRE stands for "Perverts."

...because when I think "Russia," I imagine belly dancers and cat fights.

The rest of the acting is actually pretty good.  Daniela Bianchi isn't a great actress, but she's believable as the too-good-to-be-true Russian doll; this movie is so many things, but it is also one of the great inflators of the male ego --- a beautiful woman chooses to endure great hardship and danger, just to satisfy her lust for a man she has never met.  Basically, she has to look sexy and act attracted to Bond.  It's not tough work, but she succeeds.  Lotte Lenya was good as Number 3, the prototype for Frau Farbissina of the Austin Powers series, but I was really impressed by Robert Shaw.  I've seen this movie a dozen times, but this was the first time I recognized him --- he's so young, and thin, and...blonde!  He is a worthy adversary for Bond and, aside from indulging in every Bond villain's weakness (monologuing), one of the most formindable foes he faces in the entire series.  The rest of the cast are the normal bit players.  Bernard Lee returned as M with Lois Maxwell as Miss Moneypenny.  Desmond Llewelyn made his first appearance as Major Boothroyd from Q Branch (not just "Q" yet); his character was played by another man in Dr. No.  I was also surprised to recognize Eunice Grayson as the first woman we see Bond with in the film; she's the same actress and character that Bond met playing baccarat in the last film.  You don't usually see Bond girls popping up in more than one film.  I guess Bond was a little more commitment-friendly in the old days.  I mean, if you can count sleeping with four women in one film a "commitment."  We also see the mysterious Number 1 in this film, but never his face.  He doesn't appear to be very nice, though.

This movie has an awful lot of suggestive content for a movie made for mass consumption in 1963.  Aside from Tatiana throwing herself at Bond, not even making him undress her, there are a number of oddly lewd moments in From Russia....  For instance, the head of MI6 in Istanbul is in his home, trying to read his newspaper, but his stupid wife keeps pestering him to spend time with her in their bedroom.  He sighs and says, "Back to the salt mines," and kisses her.  Callous?  Yes.  Awesome?  Of course.  Then there is the time when Bond settles a feud between two gypsy women by (presumably) having a threesome.  I'm not saying his plan didn't work, but I don't know if his plan and the gypsy plan was one and the same.  And, of course, there is the sex tape.  What exactly was SPECTRE going to do with a sex tape?  Blackmail Bond?  I would have assumed that dirty man whore makes his own tapes, probably with gadgets on loan from Q Branch.  Do they expect him to have shame over his promiscuity?  Talk about not knowing your victim.  Granted, none of this, even the threesome, is as suggestive as the name Pussy Galore, but I'm surprised this didn't receive more protests for inappropriate content when it first came out.

This is the first Bond film where the man gets some gadgets to play with.  Q Branch supplies James with a briefcase equipped with a hidden throwing knife, 50 gold sovereigns, a tiny sniper rifle, and a teargas trap to nail anyone trying to snoop in the case.  No, it's not a laser wristwatch, but it is baby steps in the direction the series would soon take.  Overall, the briefcase seems fairly plausible and every part of it was used in the movie.

Okay, so it's pretty obvious that I like this movie.  It can't be perfect, though, can it?  No, it can't.  While I'm perfectly fine with Terence Young's direction (he and Connery work well together), and I enjoyed seeing how Young handled a more professional supporting cast than in the last movie, I didn't see the point in the boat chase.  Sure, I understand that it is part of the falling action and it helps show that the Double-0 agent is always in danger, but boat chases are always terrible.  Always.  Please, prove me wrong.  The movie also disappoints by having Bond drink an unnamed mixed drink, champagne, and gypsy wine, but never his signature drink.  This is also the only Bond movie (aside from the theme-less Dr. No) to not have the theme song sung in the opening credits --- it's instrumental, for some unknown reason.  It's not even a bad song, either.  I was surprised that two of the SPECTRE numbers (the big time agents) die in this movie; it leaves things a little too tidy for my liking.  This movie feels like they were planning to build up to something significant with SPECTRE in the next film, but killing the agents we know allows Goldfinger to be SPECTRE-free.  It's an odd choice to have them so prominent here, but with nothing to lead them into the next movie.

That is totally just nitpicking, though.  From Russia With Love is my favorite Bond movie.  You can make a case for Goldfinger (and I will when I review it), but this is the one that sets the standard of excellence in the series.  It's smarter than most, but also slower than most, I admit.  However, these are the most well-developed Bond characters we will see for a few decades, and that makes up for the lack of explosions and goofy henchmen.  This is the first Bond that actually feels like a real spy story, and it's a good one.  After this film, the Bond movies take on a life of their own, mostly independent of Ian Fleming's novels, but this is tough, gritty, suspenseful, and genuinely cool.

Dr. No

Looking back at the very first James Bond 007 film, the thing that sticks out to me is the lack of a theme song.  Oh, sure, the awesome and classic "James Bond Theme" makes its impressive debut in Dr. No, but there is no song with "Dr. No" in the title or the lyrics.  I understand that the franchise's wonderfully ridiculous/awful collaboration with Shirley Bassey was still a few years away, but really?  Here, I'll get you started:

Doc-torrrrrrr Nooooooo
He always says "yes"
To daaaaaaaan-ger!

Throw in some over-the-top orchestrated horns and some surf guitar, get Shirley or Lulu to sing it, and the song's practically finished.  You're welcome.  When the movie gets re-reissued on BluRay, I better get some songwriting royalties.

When we first meet James Bond (Sean Connery), he is already a full-fledged 007 agent, which means that he works for MI6 (the British CIA) and has a license to kill.  That also means that this is not an origin story, either, which is unusual for the first film in a franchise.  The first time he is seen on screen, Bond is playing baccarat, the most mysterious form of gambling in the Western world.  At least, I can't figure it out.  Bond wins a bunch of money at a casino/hotel, checks in at the office and gets an assignment, and then comes back to his room to find that somebody is inside!  Armed, Bond pounces into the bedroom to find the beautiful woman he beat in baccarat is hanging out, wearing his pajamas; and no, the gun does not deter her attempts to seduce Mr. Bond.  If there was a laser-powered suitcase somewhere in this sequence, I could claim this to be the quintessential Bond sequence.  Oh well, it's a damn good introduction to the character that is part man, part spy, and all male slut.  Or, if "slut" is an offensive term to you, please feel free to substitute it with "he-whore."

The plot is pretty basic (for a Bond movie).  Bond is sent to Jamaica to investigate the disappearance of the local Station Chief.  Since Jamaica isn't a hotbed for anti-British sentiment, it's not a place where there are many motives for assassinating members of British Intelligence; Bond quickly comes to the conclusion that the Section Chief was disappeared because of his work with the CIA on a case involving Dr. No (Joseph Wiseman).  The good doctor is a mysterious figure who owns his own island off the coast of Jamaica and is obviously up to no good.  Bond's CIA contact, Felix Leiter (Jack Lord), apparently doesn't have the cobblers (or the jurisdiction, I forget which) to check out the island himself, so Bond is forced to recruit some local talent to help.  The "talent" is Quarrel (John Kitzmiller), a fisherman who is superstitious (certainly not because of his dark skin, because a British movie in 1962 certainly wouldn't be racist) and drinks frequently from a jug of rum, which Bond never mentions and allows on the potentially dangerous mission.  If you're as slutty as James Bond, I suppose you never know when an orgy might break out, so I guess that's believable for his character.

Before he leaves for the island, Bond faces a few minor threats to his life, including a tarantula, three blind assassins, and woman willing to use sex as a stalling tactic.  The life of a double-0 agent is a tough one.  Quarrel and Bond sail for Dr. No's island and meet professional shell collector Honey Ryder (Ursula Andress).  She doesn't seem very bright, despite being the daughter of a scientist, but she has a very comely bikini, so Bond lets her hang out with him.  They did not arrive unnoticed, though, and Dr. No's men attempt to capture the group with a tank that is disguised to look like a dragon.  Because dragons are less noteworthy, I guess.  Quarrel dies in the attempt (perhaps soaking himself in rum was a bad idea when facing a flame thrower), so James and Honey surrender.  They are taken to Dr. No's secret complex, where they meet the man behind the madness, someone so evil that he has bionic hands --- Dr. No.  Duh-duh-DUUUUUM!  Who is this reclusive madman, and what are his evil plans?  Will Honey Ryder's name turn out to be a double entendre?  Will we ever find out what evil organization Dr. No belongs to?

Well, for the last question the answer is SPecial Executive for Counter-intelligence Terrorism Revenge and Extortion, AKA SPECTRE.  That is one awesome acronym.  While the first mention of SPECTRE is certainly noteworthy, this film has a number of "firsts" for the Bond franchise.  It's the first time we hear James introduce himself as "Bond.  James Bond."  His signature drink is introduced, too, although the description is a bit lacking: "medium dry vodka martini, not stirred."  This film also introduces audiences to Bond's boss, M (Bernard Lee) and M's secretary, Miss Moneypenny (Lois Maxwell), both of whom would appear in most of the Bond movies over the next twenty years.  Felix Leiter would also become a fixture in the Bond series, although the actors changed from film to film.  Since Dr. No introduces the James Bond Theme, of course the classic "shoot the camera" opening accompanied it.  We are also introduced to the ridiculousness of Bond villain in this film.  The cliche of placing the hero in a slow, easily escapable death trap starts here, with Honey being chained to a rock, waiting for high tide to drown her. Honey Ryder is the first Bond girl, and this is the first time that having a Bond girl in no way keeps James from rutting around with other women.  Perhaps the most important first, though, is Bond's first witty quip after a bad guy dies; when his awesome driving causes the three blind assassins (that's just silly) to drive their hearse (and that's ridiculous) off a cliff, a bystander asks where they were in such a hurry to get to.  Bond answers "They were on their way to a funeral."  And everyone nearby stopped what they were doing to pat Bond on the back and offer double high fives for his morbid and not at all inappropriate joke.  Someone in the background shouted "No you didn't!" and Bond just smiled and said "Oh, yes, I did."  And then he impregnates the nearest woman with only smirk and the suggestive use of his eyebrows.  Um...some of that sequence may just happen in my head whenever I watch this movie.

Just because a film is noteworthy doesn't necessarily mean that it is good, though.  As luck would have it, this one is.  The acting from the Jamaican cast ,while certainly not great, is over-the-top enough to make even the bad acting amusing.  Quarrel, in particular, is fun to watch, but I wouldn't go so far as to say that he did a good job.  Ursula Andress sets the status quo as the first Bond girl; you don't have to act much, as long as you look pretty.  Done and done.  Joseph Wiseman does a good job as the villainous Dr. No, even if his job is to remain impassive and detached.  The all-important role of James Bond was played wonderfully by Sean Connery.  This is the film that establishes that women-want-him-men-want-to-be-him super-cool persona, and Connery is the quintessential Bond.  His fight scenes were well choreographed (for the time), even if they were sped up on screen, he was charming, and he was smart.  What else do you want from a secret agent?  Director Terence Young knew what was important in this film --- conveying that Bond is cool --- and spent most of his time proving that point.  It paid off, even if the plot can be confusing to a first-time viewer and the supporting cast oftentimes just grins vacantly.  As far as action-adventure films go, Young gets the job done and done well.

That is not to say that the movie is flawless.  Many of Bond's secret agent tricks of the trade have been woefully outdated since before I was born and the absence of any crazy spy gadgets makes that all the more apparent.  The funny thing is that the character that replaces Bond's Beretta with a Walther PPK at the beginning of the film is actually the head of Q branch, and is the very same character that Desmond Llewelyn would play until 1999, AKA Mr. Gadget Guy.  And yet, no gadgets.  The subordinate villains in this film are definitely some of the dumbest Bond has ever encountered, trying a number of different methods to kill Bond, but using bullets only as a last-ditch effort.  The fact that Bond is captured, told the evil plot by Dr. No, and still allowed to live is pretty dumb, too.

Those aren't huge problems in a movie with such an entertaining lead character, though.  While this movie still has some rough edges around it (at least, as far as Bond movies go), the overall package is still impressive, even if it is somewhat dated.  Dr. No is missing a lot of the little things that are present in the rest of the Bond series, but it can definitely stand up on its own as an entertaining espionage romp.

Highlander

Let me get this off my chest right away: if you suspect that your movie isn't going to have fantastic acting, having Queen make a soundtrack for it is a great way to divert attention.  It worked for Flash Gordon, right? The band was only supposed to do one song for the film, but were moved after they viewed an early cutting and recorded four or five tracks.  Oddly enough, no soundtrack was released and most of the songs ended up on Queen's next studio album, A Kind of Magic.  I read about this before I saw the film, but now that I have, I would like to paraphrase that again.  Legendary camp/metal/classic rockers Queen, one of the most financially successful bands of all time, had a deep emotional response to this movie that inspired them to write songs for specific scenes.  Sometimes, there just aren't words to express profound shock.  I guess "Wow...really?" comes closest.

For those of you who have managed to miss the five live-action films, one animated feature, two live-action television shows, one animated television show, and the slew of books, comics, and games based on the Highlander story, this is square one.  Connor MacLeod (Christopher Lambert) is an immortal.  I know what you're thinking: "Thank God Christopher-freakin'-Lambert will never die because I cannot imagine the world without him."  I know, riiiight?   Well, that's not 100% true; he can die if he is beheaded.  But, seriously, what are the chances of that?  I've known literally thousands of people and not one of them has been beheaded...yet.  Really, if you want to avoid a sword to your neck, stay out of Japan and you should be just fine.  Or, if you just have to do some Dance Dance Revolution in Tokyo, at least go prepared.  It's not that easy, though.  Connor is not the only immortal wandering the earth; there are several but, eventually, "there can be only one."  Why is that?  Because these immortals must kill each other and the winner will get "the prize," a power so awesome, it can change the fate of humanity.  Why "must" they?  Umm...because...they love the creamy center   are all really, really annoying   ...look, just buy into this, or you'll grind your teeth for the entire movie, okay?  Of course, since this movie is about people that have to do battle to the death, there is a bad guy, the Kurgan (Clancy Brown).  Basically, the Kurgan hunts down Connor and they do battle, with the story jumping between 1986 New York and Connor's past in 16th century Scotland.

Honestly, the basic idea here isn't a bad one.  Immortals with only one weakness do battle through the ages?  That sounds reasonably cool.  I completely understand the popularity of the idea.  This movie, on the other hand, just proves that nerds will keep wanting sequels if you don't do it right the first time.  There is not a whole lot good about this film beyond the basic premise.

Fact: Christopher Lambert took speech lessons before filming to perfect an accent that sounded vaguely European, but not specific to any one place, because he has lived in many places over the years.  In this, he succeeded.  His accent is absolutely unrecognizable.  And annoying.  But that's not the real problem with the accent...he has it for the entire film.  If Connor MacLeod is Scottish, living in Scotland before he becomes immortal, Lambert should at least pretend to be Scottish in those scenes.  The sad thing is that Lambert worked with a professional to arrive at his accent; in other words, somebody got paid for helping create that mess.  Accent aside, Lambert's talents are still difficult to pinpoint.  His hair can look sort of funny.  He can out-act most cold breakfast cereals (Malt-O-Meal might be out of his league, though).  He does a good job of staring.  And that's about it.

The other actors aren't great, but are better than Lambert.  Clancy Brown (the main prison guard from The Shawshank Redemption) is a great casting choice for the villain.  However, he has a voice.  You know...like Christian Bale does in the Batman movies?  Yeah.  That kind of voice.  As for his acting, I think it can be fairly described as a cross between Johnny Rotten, Snidely Whiplash and a Tex Avery wolf cartoon.  Subtle, he is not.  Sean Connery makes a supporting appearance as the kindly immortal that clues Christopher Lambert in on immortality.  Connery is his normal charming self here, but that's part of the problem.  He sounds like Sean Connery, a Scotsman.  According to the film, he is Egyptian and just came from a length of time in Spain.  While I would pay money to hear Sean Connery say "Walk like an Egyptian" with a straight face, a movie that cares enough to make Lambert's accent sound extraterrestrial doesn't care about a Scottish burr coming from the Nile delta?  That's just inconsistent.

Normally, I would just assume that the erratic acting in this movie was due to the erratic casting of talent.  However, I'm going to choose to blame director Russell Mulcahy.  Lambert might not be much of an actor, but the director is responsible for making him seem vaguely human.  In this, he failed.  Clancy Brown's performance was enough to make Nicholas Cage blush, and that had to be encouraged by Mulcahy.  Sure, the script might have been weak (there are some cops and women in the script, too, but I'm doing you a favor by omitting them), but only the director can tell an actor that they're making the right choices. 

The immortal action scenes are worth noting, although probably not worth watching.  While I understand that this movie's budget had to have been moderately low, having the actors take fencing lessons would have gone a long way.  Lambert and Brown are both clumsy for immortals that carry around swords regularly.  Lambert's katana seems as heavy and solid as Brown's broadsword, when it should be lighter and faster.  And what's up with all the sparks flying during immortal sword fights?  If it is because it's a cheap way to make immortal fights seem more exciting and powerful, fine.  It's not consistent, though, because two immortals sword fighting can go from scene to scene, sparking one minute but not the next. 

That doesn't make sense, but neither does the follow up to immortal death.  After an immortal gets beheaded, a lot of energy is released and is apparently absorbed by the victor.  That's how immortals become more powerful and why the ultimate immortal will have the "prize" of big-time power.  A side effect of these power-ups is that all electrical devices (lights, cars, whatever) turn on, amp up and explode (except the cars.  They apparently turn their own ignition switches and rev their engines while their headlights flash and explode).  But then, all the glass in the area implodes toward the immortal.  I'm not a scientist, but I would expect an outward expulsion of energy to cause the glass to blow out, not blow in.  It's a small detail, I know, but dumb details add up in bad movies.

This movie raises a lot of questions that never get answered.  That can be good for a movie; it can whet the appetite for a sequel.  This movie generally doesn't even raise these questions, though.  One such question is how Sean Connery knows so much about immortals.  How does he know that "there can be only one?"  Who's giving him this information?  How do they know?  It's not like there has been another generation of immortals that have had the same thing happen to them because "there can only be one."  How does he know that immortals cannot have kids?  Maybe he's sterile or has a STD.  It doesn't matter what the answer is, just as long as the question is asked.

Ultimately, this is a bad movie.  It has bad acting, terrible directing, lame action, and a poor script.  The premise is good, Queen makes a solid (if occasionally funny) soundtrack, Sean Connery is Sean Connery, and I do like the fact that immortals develop scars from wounds that would have been fatal to normal folks.  A few nice touches do not make up for a movie full of wrong, though.