Jason X

31 Days of Horror, post 11

Saturday the 13th isn't quite as good as Friday the 13th, but this was the most appropriate day I could fit in a Friday the 13th movie review (P.S.: it's my final one!  I've got a complete set now!).  On the surface, the notion of Jason Voorhies in space sounds like a desperate gambit, destined for failure.  And it is.  The only reason this movie ever happened was because Freddy vs. Jason was stuck in development hell, and the production company didn't want to risk their property falling out of the public's awareness.  It was set in the future --- and space --- so as to not interfere with the franchise continuity, just in case FvJ opted to make use of that history (SPOILER: it didn't).  Still...this is the tenth Friday the 13th film, and it is one of the few, the proud, the incredibly stupid --- the horror sequel set in space.  Maybe the sheer audacity of doing something this dumb will redeem Jason X.

Jason X is an important film, not only because it is the tenth entry in a film series --- how many films can boast that claim? (four, actually) --- but also because it teaches us important lessons.  The film opens in the Crystal Lake Research Facility, because research facilities are typically built in the same area as remote Summer camps.  There, we meet Rowan (Lexa Doig), a scientist heading a team that is researching Jason Voorhies (Kane Hodder).  Everyone knows about how Jason was captured by the government; they "executed him for the first time" in 2008, remember?  He just won't stay dead, though.  In 2010, Rowan plans to freeze Jason for further study, but David Cronenberg wants to do something stupid that inevitably leads to Jason getting free and having himself a blood orgy.

"Blood Orgy" would make a pretty solid Cronenberg title

The details don't matter.  The important thing is that Rowan and Jason wind up being cryogenically frozen.  In the year 2455, a group of students is on...um...a class trip?  An archaeology expedition?  A weak excuse to move the plot forward?  Whatever.  They find the two Popsicles and bring them on board their spaceship.  Rowan is thawed out first, and her immediate thoughts returned to keeping Jason dead-ish.  Her worries are immediately dismissed because she's only the person they found with their unknown subject.  Some unknown stimulus does the impossible and brings Jason back from the dead.

The "unknown stimulus" is cadaver table romance?

Being a ruthless zombie murderer that has feels no pain still makes for a fairly efficient killer, even in the distant future.  However, it's only a matter of time until future technology outclasses this machete-wielding maniac.  Of course, that's assuming that Jason can't keep up with the times.

Goalie masks: still fashionable, even in 450 years

The acting in Jason X is better off not being mentioned.  Let's just say that it's campy at best and amateurish at worst and leave it at that.

It's possible this guy doesn't even list this movie on his resume

James Issacs directed Jason X.  He didn't try to make the characters too likable, or make the spaceship look good.  His focus was on violence and campy humor.  How successful was he?

Well, one fantastic kill can't carry an entire horror movie (...Or can it?  Let me know if you have a good example), but that is easily one of my all-time favorite death scenes in this franchise.  The rest of the violence isn't as creative or graphic, but Jason was certainly prolific; I counted twenty-four kills, with several more implied off-screen.  That's a pretty high body count, but that doesn't guarantee entertainment.  To increase the likelihood of Jason X being fun to watch, the writer (Todd Farmer) and director teamed up to make this the campiest and silliest Friday the 13th yet.  Was it actually funny?  Well...here and there.

"We love premarital sex!"

There are a few gags that worked quite well.  My personal favorite was the premarital sex girls/sleeping bag death scene.  It was predictable, but still great.  I also liked some of the more knowing dialogue; I don't usually like it when a movie has characters that comment on the action, but the potentially annoying observations were surprisingly solid in Jason X.  James Isaacs and Todd Farmer deserve some credit for making this as watchable as it is.  Even with all the parts that made me chuckle, there were a lot more moments that were just eye-rollingly lame.  Take this scene, for example:

It's humorously violent, it has characters making commentary, and is filled with over-the-top ridiculousness.  When done correctly, that should make for an awesome scene.  This one...it's not bad.  I might even go so far as to call it "pretty good."  But it doesn't quite work.  There's some absolutely silly moves from the lady, some mediocre one-liner comments, and Jason looking confused while he gets blown to hell.  It's fun, but it feels a bit forced.

There is a problem with the way I approached Jason X.  Since this is the tenth freakin' Friday, and it is set in space, I instinctively treated it with kid gloves; since I went in with such gloriously low expectations, minor accomplishments like occasionally competent dialogue seem far more valuable than they really are.  It's like applauding a toddler for pooping in a toilet --- we expect that of most people, but the bar is set pretty low for these kids because we know they're crapped themselves so many times before. 

Look!  Jason's distracted by my amazing simile!

If you go into Jason X with absolutely no preconceptions, this will be a pretty bad movie.  If you walk into it knowing that it's going to be truly idiotic and violent, though, it's shining moments will seem like pure gold.  Is it any good?  Surprisingly, it's only slightly more than half-bad.

If you're looking to laugh, though, there is enough Lefty Gold to power several drinking games.

Of course, some of the best moments in Jason X are not related directly to the story at all.  Here's a handy list to help you pick out some of the choicer moments of conceptual humor:
- Jason still has his gross old clothes and mask.  Think about that for a moment.  Jason had been captured by the government for several years and they tried every way they could imagine to kill him.  And yet, the scientists never replaced his shitty clothes or hockey mask.  For that matter, the fact that Jason is able to easily get his hands on a giant-ass machete just goes to show that the Crystal Lake Research Facility is probably not the high-end, respectable place that the name implies.

- Students in space are always ready for sexy time.  I have no problem with characters in horror movies acting sex-crazed, since that's one of the characteristics of slasher movies.  I was surprised by how much skin was showing while these students were working on corpses.

Midriff- and shoulder-baring sweaters are actually part of the dissection uniform

- Hockey is on its last legs.  According to Jason X, which we can all agree is a historical document, hockey will be outlawed in 2024.  Sorry, Canada, you only have twelve more years to live for.
- Machetes are medical tools in the future.  'Nuff said.

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday

Movie poster designed by Cash Money Records

Happy Friday the 13th!  What better way to celebrate the day than by spending a little time with my favorite inhuman kinda-zombie-thing mass murderer, Jason Voorhees?  If you answered "with copycat murders," please turn yourself in now.  Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday is the ninth entry in the series and the second to include "The Final" in the subtitle.  Take a moment to enjoy that bit of irony, because that's the most highbrow entertainment that you're going to get from this movie.

In a bold change of pace for the series, Jason Goes to Hell opens without a recap and doesn't even attempt to justify or explain how Jason survived the final moments of Jason Takes Vancouver.  After all, is there anybody out there who really cares about the continuity of this series?  If so, Jason's resurrection in Part VI should have been a deal breaker for them; at this point in the series, I like the screenwriter's "who gives a fuck" attitude toward setting up this chapter's premise.  Anyway, the film opens with a busty woman trying to take a shower in what appears to be a campsite, or at least a derelict vacation home.  Once she has disrobed and started the shower, she hears a noise, grabs a towel and comes face to face with Jason Voorhees (Kane Hodder).  Instead of dying immediately, this lady runs.  I'm not talking about your typical slasher movie "victim running away" scene --- she books it.  She might be wearing only a towel (a very well-wrapped towel that never unravels) and no shoes (except in a shot where you can see her wearing shoes), but she is sprinting, diving, doing flips and all sorts of other things that undoubtedly caught JV off-guard.  When Jason arrives in an open field to finish shower girl off, he is met by gunfire; this whole thing, apparently including the whole get-naked-and-run-through-the-woods part, was an FBI setup to ambush Jason and blow him to Hell.

Mission accomplished, roll credits

We follow Jason's charred remains to the coroner's office, where the coroner is overcome by the burning desire to devour Jason's black heart.  You may justly ask at this point what the Hell is going on?  Jason has possessed the coroner and now occupies his body.  Well, that's an interesting/out of left field plot twist, isn't it?  

Also note: orange lights = evil possession

From this point forward, it's better to not think too much about the plot, because it's migrane-inducing.  I'll just cut to the chase.  Since his body has been destroyed, Jason must track down a family member to be reborn.  How do we know this?  Because this guy says so.

Who?

You might recognize Creighton Duke (Steven Williams) as having absolutely nothing to do with any of the other Friday the 13th movies; of course he's an expert.  According to Duke, "In a Voorhees was he born, through a Voorhees may he be reborn, and only by the hands of a Voorhees will he die."  Of course, people want to know his source for that obvious quote take his word for it and accept his crazy talk at face value.  Jason's niece (Kari Keegan) and her baby daddy, Steven (John D. LeMay) take an apparently mystical knife --- specifically designed, of course, to kill Jason --- and set out to make this film's title happen.  Oh, and did I mention that Jason Voorhees is a demonic worm? 

Or, possibly, a sexually transmitted mouth-slug?

And that when he was "reborn through a Voorhees," he magically regenerated his lumpy face, used mask and tattered jumpsuit?  No?  That's probably for the best.

Does his face look puffy?  Maybe he has allergies

What sets Jason Goes to Hell apart from the other Fridays is its complete disregard for the history of this series.  "Only by the hands of a Voorhees will he die"?!?  Since when?!?  And, even if that was true, why hasn't Jason hunted down and murdered his family members before now?  We know he's capable of stalking his prey (Part II) and tracking down individuals wherever they go (Part VIII), so that should have been a lazy Sunday for JV.  Honestly, I like the complete disregard for the earlier entries in the series, but I wish they had come up with something a little better than this.  An unstoppable killer hunting down his family?  That sounds suspiciously like another mute serial killer, doesn't it?  And I liked the homages to other films (was that Antarctic crate referencing The Thing or Creepshow?), but I would have liked some effort at explaining why The Evil Dead's Necronomicon was in Pam Voorhees' old house.  I assume this was meant to imply that the book is partly responsible for Jason's undying nature, but if you're going to clutter up a slasher film with mystical mumbo-jumbo and cross-references to other movies, you should go all out and actually explain it.

And look...!  There's a receipt from S-Mart!

 
But I think we can all agree that plot has never really been the strong point of the Friday the 13th series.  This is a franchise that is built on solid acting interesting direction violence.  Surprisingly, Jason Goes to Hell is lacking in that department.  Sure, Jason Voorhees explodes, and yes, a dude's jaw melts off.

Above: a lumpy, oozing body.  Below: his jawbone

Those were really the coolest special effects moments in the film.  While twenty-three kills is an impressive number for a horror movie, many of them were off-camera.  Almost as bad as those were the dozen or so weak kills; Jason would walk up to somebody, hit them once, and they would be dead.  The unrated version is a little better, if only because it actually shows this kill in all its glory:

Moral: there is no such thing as "safe" premarital sex

The teasing final moment was also kind of fun, especially the first time I saw the film as a pre-teen.

It took ten years to follow up on this tease, but it was worth it

Still, there is a lot of lameness in areas that should be this film's strengths.  Jason Voorhees isn't the sort of movie monster that can be stopped by brute force; you beat him by tricking him or luring him into a vulnerable position, where you can stick a machete in his noggin/leave him at the bottom of a lake/melt him with toxic waste.  In Jason Goes to Hell, though, JV spends almost two solid minutes near the climax fighting the nerdiest guy in the film.  It's not that Jason never hits the guy or grabs him by the neck or head --- he just doesn't kill the poor sap.  At one point, Jason even throws his victim into a jungle gym.

Not pictured: Jason patiently waiting his turn for the slide

You'd think the guy would have been impaled or that Jason was going to use the bars to tear his body apart at unusual angles, but no.  That's okay, though, because this happens only moments before JV's niece appears to run up a step-stool (that she must have supplied herself, since it is missing in the establishing shot) to attack Jason.

Look at her boot and note that she hasn't even jumped yet

Jason Goes to Hell is a pretty awful excuse for filmmaking, especially in regards to the basics.  If you've seen the movie once or twice, it's easy to notice inconsistencies in the continuity editing, like bloodstains vanishing or moving within scenes.  My favorite example of this is Duke's note to Jason's niece.  When she finds the note and realizes her baby is missing, the note clearly reads "I have what you want," but when her baby's daddy reads the note moments later, it has been changed to "I have your baby."  Of course, the baby may have been kidnapped and replaced several times over during the film, because there are at least two clearly different infants in this movie (hint: one is bald and the other has hair).  Also, why was the Voorhies place once referred to as the "Myers" place?  And the name on the (abandoned for 30 years) mailbox even misspelled the name.  And why is Jason's mask in the promo posters and the opening credit sequence made of metal?

Aside from "for awesomeness," I mean

None of that matters, of course.  Those are just things that you can nitpick on because they are "blatantly terrible" and "unbelievably amateurish for a professionally-made and -distributed film."  The quality of a Jason movie is not how "good" or "bad" it is; it isn't even measured by how "scary" it is.  I measure the Friday the 13ths (especially the later sequels) by how much they entertained me.  Jason Goes to Hell isn't a good movie by any means, but it is noticeably different from the other Fridays and that is even more important when you are the ninth and (maybe note really) final film in a series.  I will give it credit for boldness and not boring me with clips from other movies.  The sheer lunacy of the plot was enough to keep me interested in the story, even though the violence wasn't too impressive.  On a standard scale of quality, this film deserves

The ridiculous plot and technical mistakes also make this movie a blast to ridicule and/or watch while intoxicated.  It's not gory enough to wow you if you're too smashed; most of the humor comes from a conceptual level as you ponder aloud the implications of what you're seeing.  Still, that makes for one of the more entertaining entries in the series.  In Lefty Gold terms, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday is a pleasurable

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

Happy Friday the 13th, everyone!  To celebrate, I decided to review one of my favorite bad movies of all time, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan.  It doesn't take a bold person to claim that the seventh sequel of a low-budget horror movie is bad, but Jason Takes Manhattan is uniquely bad in a film series that is not particularly renowned for its high quality.  Needless to say, I have watched this movie at least thirty times, and am damned proud of it.

With a subtitle like Jason Takes Manhattan, you should know what's in store for you, as an audience: Jason Voorhies tearing it up in NYC spending a lot of time on a boat.  After the events of The New Blood, Jason Voorhies (Kane Hodder) was punished for killing the Weekend at Bernie's guy by having a rotting corpse psychically revived to drag him down to the bottom of Crystal Lake.  Really.  I'm guessing that a year goes by (which sets this 1989 film in 2003 by my math) before Jason is awakened by a boat anchor tearing open a hole in a power line (left conveniently uncovered at the bottom of the lake), after the anchor has dragged the power line into contact with Jason, of course.  Jason wakes up and is understandably cranky, so he kills a few naughty teens.

He then sails the boat (he can drive a boat?!?) back to the Crystal Lake marina (it has a marina?!?).  After that, he presumably jumps into the water and climbs up the anchor chain to sneak onto the Crystal Lake senior class's senior cruise ship.  Now, you may wonder why Jason bothered to sneak on board, since nobody could have stopped him walking up the gangplank.  My short answer is that Jason is quite a joker, but more on that later.  You may also wonder how a location that is known as a vacation/murder destination could get its own high school, but I have an answer for that, too: shh...!  The senior cruise sets sail to New York City.  Now you may wonder how Crystal Lake suddenly got a river attached to it, much less one that would connect it to New York; to you critics, I answer "the same way Crystal Lake suddenly became surrounded by mountains for the first time ever."  Now, Jason's only on the cruise for two reasons, to murder some asses and chew bubble gum --- but he's all out of gum!  The amazingly diverse class of Crystal Lake High (which includes a nerd, a rocker, some jocks, and a smart Asian(Kelly Hu))

Who happens to also be a mutant

is easy pickings for Mr. Voorhies, but Jason is just a little too efficient at ruining the ship.  He starts to flood the vessel, and five survivors and a dog make it to a life raft.  After a few minutes (or hours...or days...the movie doesn't really give any hints), the survivors manage to pass the Statue of Liberty into New York Harbor.  That's right, kids --- these survivors sailed into NYC from the East, which gives Crystal Lake the approximate location of here:

So then what happens?  Well, children, you'll have to watch to find out.  Spoiler Alert!  You get to see Jason's face, or at least what it would look like if it was sculpted in outdated yogurt.

What makes Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan bad enough to stand out from the crowd of bad Friday the 13th sequels?  For starters --- but just for starters --- the movie spends only a few scenes in New York City.  With a subtitle like this, you might expect to see Jason scaling the Empire State Building or dropping bodies in Yankee Stadium, but all you see of the Big Apple is the Statue of Liberty and a brief shot of Times Square.  That's it.  The rest is on the stupid cruise ship or filmed in Vancouver, which looks a lot more like Detroit than it does Manhattan.

Perhaps the stupidest (and thus, my most favorite) thing about this film is the fact that Jason reaches New York City and hunts down the Crystal Lake survivors.  Imagine that...a city full of sinners, especially with all the gang and drug activity in the late 80s, and Jason decides to spare the sewers of humanity in an effort to track down five people --- who have split up, mind you --- in the biggest city on the planet.

He doesn't even take a swing at these punks!

It is also worth noting that in Jason Takes Vancouver, we are given some of the least likable heroes in a series known for making you hate the heroes enough to root for the killer.  For starters, there is the charisma-free Suzi (Tiffany Paulsen), who is afraid of water, wears a "stylish" vest, and takes her dog with her on her senior cruise.

Above: Nancy Grace's inspiration

And she's the heroine!  There is a total bitch popular girl, some inoffensive middling students, and the two teachers chaperoning the trip.  The teachers are interesting; the lady (Barbara Bingham, who you might recognize from Cop Target...or more likely, not) is suspiciously close to the heroine --- she hugs and buys the girl presents --- and the other is the heroine's uncle/guardian Charles (Peter Mark Richman), who is as evil and wrong as often as he can possibly fit into this film's 100 minute running time.  So, we have a sexual predator and an asshole.  Great.  Charles not only refuses to believe in Jason (strike one), he repeatedly blames the creepy longshoreman for the murders with little to no proof (strike two), and he acts like a complete dick to the people who are rowing his sorry ass to safety (yer out!).  I expect to dislike most of the characters in a Friday the 13th movie, but this was ridiculous.  Never have I wished so hard for Jason to amuse me with his deadly talent than in this movie.

Luckily, Jason provides.  There are an impressive nineteen kills in this film.  My favorite kill in Jason Takes Vancouver has to be the boxing scene.  Not only does it have the unprecedented choice of a character trying to out-punch Jason without a weapon, even though he knew damn well that Jason is an unkillable zombie, but Jason takes the Rocky approach to boxing; he simply blocks his opponent's punches with his face until his enemy gets tired.  Then, Jason punches his head clean off. 

It's like Rocky vs. Apollo Creed, but prettier

There are some other sweet moments, like when Jason kills the rocker chick with her guitar or when he punches a sauna stone into a dude's chest, despite having just about every other way to kill that particular victim available.  There are a lot of kills, but many are pretty basic, unfortunately.

The movie isn't all bad, though.  For instance, this is the film where Kane Hodder famously (and I use that term loosely) refused to kick a dog, because Jason wouldn't do something like that.  Except for the time when he maybe did.

The true hero of Jason Takes Manhattan

This film also shows off some of Jason's talents.  Manhattan is the first film in which Jason can obviously and indisputably teleport.  Granted, nobody says anything along the lines of "Whoa, that goalie sure can teleport," but it's pretty obvious.  Take his murder of the rocker chick.

As hilarious as this kill is, it gets better when you slow it down and examine it.  Rocker chick is hanging out in a secluded area, rocking out with her guitar and a tape deck that is either A) letting her play guitar over a track that is (karaoke-like) free of guitar chords or B) playing the guitar for her, so she is simply performing an elaborate air guitar.  Jason being Jason, he shows up, looking for blood, at the top of the stairs above her.  Rocker chick freaks out, carefully sets her guitar down and turns off the tape deck.  She then runs downstairs, where she is met by Jason, who swings her guitar into her face, making sure she dies before she gets old.  That means that Jason teleported to grab the guitar and teleported again to get in front of her in time to swing the guitar like a baseball bat into her cranium.  There is no other explanation that doesn't involve circus-like acrobatics that are not shown on-screen.  Of course, there is also the kill where the victim starts climbing a ladder, the camera looks down at Jason on the ground, then back at the kid quickly ascending the ladder, and back at Jason on the ground, and then back to the kid quickly ascending the ladder and HOLY CRAP JASON JUST THREW HIM OFF THE LADDER!

Like this, but effective

It is also worth pointing out that this movie came out the same year as the truly awful Friday the 13th video game.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck yoooooooou dot dot

I can honestly say that I have stronger feelings about that game than about most international crises.  Which is sad, I'll admit, but still....it's a wretched game.

I would also like to point out that the inept screenwriting, editing and direction of Rob Hedden kept him from directing another feature film for eighteen years.  I'm sure this film suffered some drastic budget cuts, since the Fridays had been losing steam for a while now, but this is a classic example of how not to make a movie look like it is a big budget film.  The acting is pitiable, the direction is nonexistent (if you want to be kind) and the editing makes little to no sense.  Is the heroine hallucinating, or does she have an unexplained psychic link to Jason?  Um...yes.  Do the Crystal Lakians manage to find the only police officer in New York who has a Canadian accent?  Of course.  Does Jason explode through every door he encounters?  Why not?  Friday the 13th: Jason Takes Manhattan is not a good film by any stretch of the imagination and is, in many ways, the low point in a series that never set the bar very high.  And yet I love all that this film does wrong.  Objectively, this movie definitely deserves a

 But how can you grade a movie like this objectively?  It brings me so much joy!  And it's kind of like grading the handicapped kid on the same scale that you would an astronaut.  This is one of my absolute favorite Lefty Gold movies, and it deserves my completely irrational rating of

Freddy Vs. Jason

What better way to finish my month of horror reviews than with the culmination of the two biggest horror franchises ever?  I have already reviewed most of the Nightmare on Elm Street films and the majority of the Friday the 13th franchise, so it should come as no surprise that I was intently looking forward to Freddy vs. Jason when it initially hit theaters.  Neither series had been genuinely scary in over a decade at that point, and it had been even longer since either series had made a quality film, but I went in with ridiculously high expectations.  After all, it's called "Freddy vs. Jason;" how can you screw that up?!?  The plot is in the title, ferchrissake!!!  Then again, Alien vs. Predator sucked, so it is possible to fumble a touchdown.

"Hike!"

Freddy vs. Jason takes place after Jason Goes to Hell and Freddy's Dead.  In case you were wondering, the current status quo for both characters is deceased; of course, that's normal for both characters, so it should be no surprise that they can come back.  Now, if you are unfamiliar with either Jason Voorhies and/or Freddy Kreuger, I'll give you a quick series catch-up.  Jason, a mass murderer in the Crystal Lake area, has been dead and buried several times over the years; for his last five films, he has been a nigh-unstoppable murder-zombie with skin of varying Naugahyde-type textures.  He kills in a variety of ways, but he loves stabbing best of all, especially when he can do it to naughty teens.  Freddy was a child murderer in life, but he became a dream demon in death; he loves to kill teens --- it's never explained why he graduated from children to teens --- but needs them to fear him to gain access to their dreams, where he makes his attacks.  Clearly, these two could probably bond over coffee and murder tales, but the title requires a fight, so let's find out how they get there.

Stabbing a dude with his own weapon is always awesome

This opus begins in Hell, which apparently isn't as full of flames as you may have been led to believe.  Freddy Kreuger (Robert Englund) gives the camera a quick recap of his history, concluding that the parents on Elm Street (his old haunt) have found a way to keep him forgotten in the minds of their children.  That means Freddy is stuck in Hell, which gives Freddy a frowny face emoticon.  I'm not exactly sure why he's upset, since he's a freaking dream demon, but maybe he just wants some more sweet, sweet dream murdering.  How will Freddy remind the kids of his evil-osity?  Obviously, he won't infest the dreams of the dozens of adults who remember him.  That just wouldn't make any sense.  Instead, he tracks down the soul of Jason Voorhies in Hell and (disguised as his Momma Voorhies) convinces Jason to return to life and do some killing on Elm Street.  Interestingly, Jason's Hell consists of him murdering promiscuous teens.  Is this film taking the daring stance that murderers go to Hell and get their own twisted eternal reward?  Of course not; the director and screenwriters are just hacks.  Another interesting point: apparently, Elm Street and Crystal Lake must be located fairly close together, because Jason seems to walk there rather quickly.  Unless, of course, he hitchhiked in-between scenes; if so, I wish that was included in the extras, because it could have been fabulous.  Anyways, Jason starts stalking Elm Street, finds some naughty kids, and starts a-stabbin'.  The local cops try to keep mum on their suspicions, but word gets to the kids that some dude named Freddy is the suspect.  And so it begins...!

"Heeeeere's Freddy!"

As always, it appears that a small group of teens is the center for all the trouble.  As always, the "teens" are actually twentysomethings, but that's an issue for another day.  This time around, it happens to be Lori (Monica Keena) and her friends, Kia (Kelly Rowland) and Big Dumb Tits (Katharine Isabelle).

What the Hell is going on behind her?

Why them?  It's hard to tell.  If Freddy was in the driving wheel, I would argue that he picked them because Lori lives in the same house that his foes from the first three Nightmares lived in.  However, it was Jason doing the choosing this time; I think it was because the house was filled with naughty teens, drinking the booze and having the premarital sex.  Being a stealthy predator, Jason sneaks into the house, gets upstairs unnoticed, waits for Big Dumb Tits to take a post-sex shower, and then neatly stabs and folds her boyfriend.

Impressive.  That's not a hide-a-way bed, either.

This is just the first of many murders (at least fourteen confirmed kills, with another half-dozen presumed dead at the cornfield rave).  Freddy enjoys his resurgent reputation at first, but Jason doesn't stop killing.  What's the problem with that?  Good question, one that is not directly answered by the filmmakers.  It appears that Jason killed someone Freddy was toying with, which set Freddy off to kill Jason, so he could have the kids to himself.  Is that convoluted enough for you?  It gets better.  Lori and her friends figure out exactly what is going on in this movie in a scene that would make Velma from Scooby-Doo proud.

"It makes sense, in a way" - actual hilarious quote from this scene

So what does the Scooby gang do next?  They have an unstoppable zombie-ish killer on their hands, and if they sleep, a dream demon will get them.  The plan is to somehow (with the help of the anti-dream drug Hypnocil) stay awake long enough to get Jason to fight Freddy, and not get killed in the process.  In classic slasher movie style, that turns out to be a tall order for most of the cast.

How's the acting?  **pause for several minutes of uncontrollable laughter**  It's "special."  Robert Englund is Freddy once again, and he is obviously loving every minute on camera.  He hams it up quite a bit --- this is definitely Vegas Freddy at his best --- but is still the main attraction, as far as acting goes.  Jason was played in this film by stuntman Ken Kirzinger, and he stabbed things in a satisfactory manner.  The rest of the cast is pretty wretched.  Monica Keena, while pretty and busty, has trouble conveying sadness, anger, fright, frustration, and happiness; she does do a pretty good Grover impression during the last few minutes of the film.

"Pooping face!"

Kelly Rowland made her film debut here, and it's full of one-liner put-downs that wouldn't intimidate fourth graders.

Actual line: "Got yer nose!"

I did love her death scene, though.  Katharine Isabelle is also pretty and busty (although that's a body double in the shower), but her character is really goddamned stupid.  Jason Ritter, while whiny, is probably the best supporting actor in the cast.  Chris Marquette plays the resident nerd character, like he always does in movies.  Lochlyn Munroe plays the police officer who, against all reason, opts to team up with a group of idiot teenagers.  Tom Butler is suitably untrustworthy as Lori's father/the anti-Freddy plot mastermind.   Also, the dead guy in the bathtub is Zack Ward, who was the yellow-eyed bastard bully, Scott Farkus, in A Christmas Story.

How's the direction?  Well, Ronny Yu had success revitalizing the Child's Play series, so it makes sense that he was hired to make Freddy vs. Jason.  Yu is a terrible director, but he knows how to make bad movies enjoyable.  Freddy vs. Jason, while not campy or terribly self-aware, is not too serious.  Instead, it is a fun slasher romp that does its best to give the audience what it wants, the stuff that was promised by the title.  Yu's talents are not of the technical variety, though.  There is a lot of bad editing and Yu clearly doesn't have a solid grasp on how to use POV camera shots, much less the imagination and talent to provide subtle hints when characters have started to dream.  If you pretend that Yu is a master director, the film is even more entertaining.  I was a Teacher's Aide for a film studies class that I had never taken, so I was asked to write a paper on a scene of my choice, explaining the meaning through the cinematography and direction.  It was the funniest thing I have ever written.

I seriously wrote a 13-page paper on this three-minute scene

For instance, in the above scene, Jason beheaded a guy while his son slept next to him on the bench.  Jason must have then cleaned up the mess, carefully balanced the severed head back on the neck (so it could fall into the son's hands), and snuck away to wait for junior to wake from dream land.  Jason is quite the prankster, especially if you pretend that Ronny Yu meant for the scene to be interpreted like that.

Since this is a slasher flick, I should probably mention the special effects.  The practical effects are all pretty solid.  Limbs are lost, arterial blood mist covers many a scene, and the kills are almost all pretty awesome-looking.  Since this is a Nightmare on Elm Street movie, that also means that there are many opportunities to use effects to get surreal and creepy.  Some of these are handled very well, like the faces on the missing child posters or the eyeless child.

When the filmmakers get too reliant on CGI, though, things take a quick turn toward the ridiculous.  Kia's nose removal looks pretty bad, but the "winner" in this area has to be the hookah-smoking Freddy-caterpillar.  It looks like a cartoon, which is bad enough, but it is intended to intrigue a stoner enough to follow it into another room --- and it works!  Stupid writing + stupid CGI creature = worst scene in the movie.

Thank goodness it has facial burns.  I wouldn't know it was evil without them.

So the plot is incomprehensible, the acting sucks, and the directing is inept.  How good is Freddy vs Jason?  It is, quite possibly, the most perfect movie ever made.In his book, Mike Nelson's Movie Megacheese, the co-creator of Mystery Science Theater 3000 argues that Road House is the best film of all time, because it knew exactly what it was.  Similarly, Freddy vs. Jason has no misconceptions; this is a stupid slasher movie designed to entertain through a collection of on-screen murders that are stitched together with a flimsy excuse for a plot.

Bottom left: my personal favorite "death face" in the movie

No one will ever debate that fact.  As such, the ridiculous ease with which the clueless teens manage to decipher Freddy's evil plan is absolutely perfect; it would have taken an imaginative screenwriter six months to connect the dots of this bullshit plot.  Does the audience want to see the characters struggle to figure out the plot, which would draw attention to its ludicrousness?  Of course not!  We want to see Freddy fighting Jason, dammit!

The plot point that I have the most fun with is definitely Lori's comment: "Freddy died by fire and Jason died by water.  How can we use that?"  The quick answer should be "Um, you can't," but the film likes the idea and decides that Jason is afraid of water --- even though he spends a hell of a lot of time in Camp Crystal Lake --- and Freddy is afraid of fire apparently left unaffected by whatever killed him.

So afraid of water that it makes him kill?

How stupid is that concept?  I get it, I get it, they need something for Jason to fear to let Freddy into his dreams, but...water?  Really?  I would have gone with mommy dearest.

Shouldn't this protect Jason from Freddy, then?

On the other hand, this movie gets a lot of things legitimately right.  I absolutely love Robert Englund's facial expressions when he realizes that he has been brought into the real world and is going to fight Jason.  That mix of confusion and fear was perfect.  I also liked that Freddy combats Jason with his cleverness, which is well within his normal character range.  I'm okay with Freddy taking advantage of his smaller size and speed against the lumbering giant that is Jason, but he was almost ninja-like in this movie.  It makes sense, even if it isn't based on his established character at all.  Being a Jason fan, I was also pleased that he had nineteen kills to Freddy's one in this movie.  

Of course, you can argue that Freddy and Jason have no real reason to fight.  If Jason keeps killing, it's not going to prevent people from talking about Freddy, right?  Quiet, you.  The excuse for this premise is necessarily stupid, but that was never in question.  Freddy vs. Jason works so well because it lives up to its premise without sweating the details.  I thought this was a lot of fun the first time I saw it, but in the last thirty or forty times I have viewed it, I have noticed more and more "idiosyncrasies" in the plot.  That might devalue it for some --- and I totally understand that --- but it just adds to the charm for me.  I can't possibly be objective when reviewing this piece of art, but I will concede that it is a piece of Lefty Gold.  Does it deserve the love I give it?  Absolutely not, but love isn't always rational.

I came very close to not watching this movie in time for my month of horror reviews.  I consolidated my DVD collection into binders a few years ago, and when I turned to the "F" section, I had an empty spot where Freddy vs. Jason should have been.  Who would I have lent it to?  Who wouldn't have returned it?  Who needs to die?!?  Luckily, I remembered that I got my FvJ copy as part of my four-disc Nightmare on Elm Street collection, so it was on the flip side of New Nightmare.  That wasn't very interesting, but I shared anyway.  Speaking of sharing, here's a list of ridiculously stupid moments that I love in Freddy vs. Jason:

• Teens on Elm Street have absolutely no problem scoring alcohol below the legal drinking age
• Big Dumb Tits, after a few drinks, is going to drive to the liquor store for more beer, claiming she is "totally below the limit."  Except that every state has some sort of Zero Tolerance law for underage kids drinking and driving.
• Big Dumb Tits has sex with the bedroom door open in Lori's house, with other people in the house.  Afterwards, her boyfriend refuses to cuddle because he "hates being touched after."  So...much...awesome...badness...!!!
• Lori's friends want her to have sex because she hasn't had a boyfriend since she was fourteen.  Sure, her boyfriend mysteriously disappeared and her mother died in a tragic accident at the time, but the obvious cure for emotional distress is a hot meat injection.  By the way, she can't be older than eighteen in this movie.
• Sometimes, editing in post-production leaves in special effects without explaining them.  Case in point: the snakes on the bathroom floor.  Deleted scenes show how they got there, but the theatrical version just cuts to the floor and, whoa, snakes.
• The stabbing and crushing of one body, beheading of another and stab wound-caused death is called a sort of "Columbine thing"?  I don't even know where to start with that one.
• While trying to research Freddy Kreuger at the library, the records appear heavily edited.  The researching character's response: "January 18th.  That's the day my brother committed suicide [in a Freddy-related way].  Why isn't that in here?"  Probably because it would have been reported in the January 19th paper.
• The teens motor around in a van with a wizard on the side and black lights in the back.  While that's awesome, the owner of the van has been dead for years and his little brother has been committed to the psych ward.  What kind of parents keep that thing in pristine shape?
• They have a rave in a cornfield.  They all deserve to die.
• My favorite raver is Powerman 5000-looking punk rock dude.  Punk rockers love glow sticks.  And rape.  I learn everything from movies.
  
• After the rave massacre, the surviving kids agree to go home instead of the police.  Because, you know, one of their friends was murdered and they all need sleep.
• The legend of Jason Voorhies has him returning from the grave to kill anyone at Camp Crystal Lake.  Except...he was alive when he did that in Part II...and then he visited the camp in Part VI, but didn't kill any children...so...I'm going to call that legend incorrect.
• The police officer explains the legend of Jason dying and coming back to kill again.  Obviously, we're dealing with a copycat killer.  The nerd says, "no, I saw what he can do, this is the real thing."  Because he knows his undead murderers.
• Hypnocil bottles call for a 1000:1 dilution.  That's practical.
• Freddy asks Jason, "Why won't you die?!?"  Maybe because he's an unkillable zombie murder machine?
• The nerd charges at Jason, wielding an American flag as a weapon.  Sadly, the "Star-Spangled Banner" is not playing in the background.
• Apparently, blood loss is supposed to be a problem for Freddy and Jason, based on how much attention it gets from the camera.  Never mind that they are undead killers, back from beyond the grave.
• You're a stoner, trying to stay awake as you break-and-enter into a secure facility with a police officer.  What do you say?  "Time for a 'J' break"?  Really?  Really?!?
  
• "'One, two, Freddy's coming for you.'  You know why they say that?  Because that's when he comes for you."  Um...at "one, two"?