Mega Python Vs. Gatoroid

It's been a while since I enjoyed a movie that was meant to be so bad it's good Sure, I loved Mega Piranha, but I was let down by the intentionally campy Piranha (2010) and the PG-13 Shark Night.  The obvious solution to my problem is to figure out what made Mega Piranha so fun.  Let's see...it was a SyFy original TV movie and it starred 80s teen pop star Tiffany.  Where can I find something that will duplicate the key elements of success, but kick things up a notch?

SyFy original movie?  Check.  Tiffany?  Check.  Added star power to push this thing over the top?  Debbie Gibson.  I mean, almost check.  "Mega" in the title, to let you know shit has gotten serious?  Double check.  It's time for me to enjoy a bad movie (and possibly enjoy alcoholic beverages)!

Mega Python vs. Gatoroid begins the way you imagine a movie with this title would: with stupidity.  Nikki Riley (Deborah Gibson) is a herpetologist (that's a PhD in reptile herpes to you non-bookish types) who breaks snakes out of confinement and releases them into the Everglades.  Now, I don't have herpes am not a snake doctor, but even I know that the Everglades have a pretty awful snake overpopulation problem.  You would think a herpetologist would be the last person to release snakes into the Everglades, but you know what happens when you assume...

...you are absolutely correct.

Well, Dr. Riley releases the snakes into the wild and they grow to fantastic sizes because SCIENCE.  Actually, no, scratch that.  Just because; there's no science in this movie.  To counter the snake population, Everglades park ranger Terry O'Hara (Tiffany) allows idiots to hunt snakes in the park.

...But only if they're idiots

That doesn't work so well, and we are soon a few idiots lighter in the swamp.  Sadly, one of the idiot victims was the fiance of Ranger Terry.  Vowing revenge on the gigantic snakes, just like anyone else would, Terry laces some chicken corpses with steroids and feeds them to some alligators.  Naturally, this causes all the alligators in the Everglades to grow exponentially because the screenwriters have a poor understanding of what steroids actually do.  Surprisingly, creating a population of over-sized alligators with 'roid rage does not necessarily solve a gigantic snake overpopulation problem.  It does, somehow, give a ridiculously thin excuse to have the two lead characters catfight.

Does the rest of the plot matter?  Hell, does any of the plot matter?  The answer is definitely "no." 

So, how's the acting in Mega Python vs. Gatoroid?  Practically non-existent.  It doesn't help that the characters are completely irrational, but this is a movie about gigantic snakes and gators --- "acting" was never going to be the primary concern.  I was surprised at how campy this movie was.  Mega Piranha was stupid, sure, but the actors played it pretty straight.  Not so much this time.  If you were aching for Tiffany and Debbie Gobson to camp it up, call each other bitches and behave like Jersey Shore characters, then you might appreciate this film.

So wait...are they insulting the lake here?

It gets a lot worse when the script references some of the duo's 80s pop hits.  I don't have anything against either artist/actress, but I can't stand it when actors wink at the camera, and there's quite a bit of that in this pic.  Luckily, not every actor in this movie had a music career in the 80s.  A (no period) Martinez plays a stoic-to-the-point-of-being-comatose herpetologist that comes up with some ideas that are less than completely idiotic.  Kevin M. Horton got to play a hapless deputy ranger who was used as both cannon fodder and comic relief.  The best actor in the film, by far, was Kathryn Joosten, who almost seemed embarassed to be in this "movie."  At the very least, she provided some fairly dry humor and mediocre acting.  On the bright side, Mickey Dolenz dies in this movie.

I'd look the other way if I had to share scenes with Tiffany, too

What about the direction?  Mega Python vs. Gatoroid was directed by Mary Lambert, who has directed multiple movies (not good ones, but still...) that have reached theaters.   That experience doesn't come into play with this movie.  Wretched acting, poor transitions, illogical character choices, horrible continuity editing, reptile-themed soundtrack contributions from the two stars --- in just about every way, this movie gets it wrong. 

Pythons and alligators hate to actually eat their prey, right?

It's not totally incompetent, though.  There is a plot.  It doesn't make a lot of sense, but it exists and it kind of makes sense.  Well, it doesn't make sense if you are capable of independent thought, but it works decently enough, given the script.  That might sound like I'm giving this movie a participation award for minimal movie competence, but this movie definitely could have been a lot worse.


Since this is a horror movie, the special effects should be discussed.  Do you like special effects?  If "yes," then you might want to skip this.  It's not just the obviously animated gators and snakes that look bad here --- Mega Python vs. Gatoroid goes out of its way to make the backgrounds in driving scenes look bad, like something you would see in a Connery Bond.  And while I must stress that I am absolutely not an expert in reptile behavior, I find it suspicious that gigantic pythons and gators would leave easily identifiable chunks of their victims on dry land.  Check this image out:

Okay, I can buy a giant alligator biting off a dude's arm.  But the fact that the arm is the only thing that's left of him actually doesn't imply that at all.  Was the guy walking around and the gator just bit as hard as it could, snapping up everything except the arm?  Did the guy trip and fall into an alligator man-trap (they're crafty devils, as you doubtlessly know) and his arm was severed as he struggled to climb out?  I can't think of a more logical explanation, can you?

Diagram by survival expert Bear Grylls

It is impressive that the hand on the severed arm has maintained a firm grip on the gun, but what is truly shocking is that the sleeve of the guy's short-sleeved shirt is still there, much less on the correct spot on the body.

Let's be realistic, though --- what do you expect from a movie titled Mega Python vs. Gatoroid?  It delivers on the title, so quit yer bitchin', amiright?  Okay, sure, I can follow that argument to a point.  My problem with this flick is that it is too self-aware.  Had they played it straight and not had characters asking the very legitimate question of "Why would you do that?" I probably would have had more fun with the movie.  Here's the big problem with MPvG: you're funnier than the screenwriters.

The possibilities for this caption > What is in the script

Yes, it's dumb and it's campy and it's absolutely ludicrous, but it's also kinda lame.  Again, I know that is to be expected, but not to this degree.  Mega Python vs. Gatoroid crosses the line from so-bad-you-gotta-see-this to bad-enough-to-be-dull.  

Still not sure whether you would like Mega Python vs. Gatoroid?  Give it a try if any three of the following are things you like to see in your movies:

• Everyone with a Southern accent is clearly mentally handicapped
• Recycled footage
• Dynamite-proof bridges
• Characters figuring out ridiculous plot points using logic by reading the script
• Poorly explained jumps in time
• Park rangers that make the park their obvious last priority
• Curious animal behavior, like snakes hunting in packs
• Hilaribad car chase scenes
• ...and much, much more!

Mega Piranha

I don't usually review made-for-TV movies, but Mega Piranha was just too tempting for me to pass up.  This movie has a lot going against it, even before the opening credits are over.  First off, it is a SyFy movie; if you can't trust a network to spell their name right, what chance do their movies have of being good?  Second, the title is just in all capital letters, no special font, no Photoshop, nothing.  Look guys, I know that the big "draw" for this movie is the fact that 80s pop star Tiffany is co-starring, but could we try to pretend this is an actual film?  No?  Okay, sure, I can respect that.

Mega Piranha opens with a fat American frump on a boat with a Latino businessman and a bunch of dancing bikini babes.  Good job, Mega Piranha, you drew me in --- why is the American unhappy to see bikini babes?  It doesn't matter.  Moments after this movie grabs you, it reels you in (See what I'm doing?  Fish metaphors!) with the cameraman going into epileptic shock, so I guess this is going to be like Cloverfield or Blair Witch, with the cameraman as an actual character camera/boat shaking violently because it is being attacked.  By what?  Bubbles!  I mean, piranhas!  But these are clearly not normal piranhas, because they eat the boat and people without provocation.  If only we had a term to describe these new piranhas.  Massive Piranhas?  Burly Piranhas?  Optimus Piranhas?  I'm getting closer, I can feel it...

"Have I ever mentioned my dream to have a fish species named after me?"

Do you want to know the plot to Mega Piranha?  Damn right you do.  It seems that a group of gifted American scientists, led by Sarah (Tiffany), have been conducting experiments on Venezuelan fish to make them more "robust."  I assume that the goal is to make bigger fish that have more meat to eat, but experimenting in a river seems like a very bad idea to me.  Of course, I'm not a washed-up pop singer scientist.  Since these experiments are a fantastic idea, Sarah and her assistants decided to modify the local piranha species; this is like the point in Deep Blue Sea where Sam Jackson explains that they were enlarging the shark's brain and it had the "unintended" side effect of making it smarter.  Movie scientists are smart.  Well, the Mega Piranhas break out of their containment area and enter a tributary to the Orinoco River, the largest river in Venezuela.  Now, I would have probably kept the fish in a fish tank while experimenting with them, but in Venezuela, you put your godless abominations in busy tributary rivers; it's not wrong, it's just a difference in culture.  The Megas are growing exponentially and are hermaphroditic, so they don't even need to slow down to find a mate; now, they're the size of your shoe, but in a day, they will be the size of rhinoceroses, and the day after that whales, and the week after that they will be bigger than Antoine Dodson.

Luckily, America is here to clean up Venezuela's mess.  Sure, Americans caused it, but...shut up.  Special Agent Jason Fitch (Paul Logan) is sent to investigate the death of the party-unfriendly American from the beginning of the movie, and make sure it's not an assassination.  Fitch is reporting directly to Bob Grady (Barry Williams), a government man who is often implied to be in Washington, thanks to numerous B-roll shots of DC landmarks, but is never actually seen in a government building.  Fitch checks with the local Venezuelan military guy, Colonel Diaz, who insists that the boat sank from an attack that he is happy to avenge.  After Fitch does some research, sees the chewed up boat bits, and has an incoherent conversation with Sarah, he returns to Diaz and asks about the possibility of this being an animal attack.  Diaz scoffs, correctly deducing that Fitch has been speaking to that "crazy American scientist."  Well, she's stuck working in Venezuela and opted to make piranhas deadlier, so that's probably an accurate description.  Well, one thing leads to another and Fitch tries to help the scientists keep the Megas out of the Orinoco; and when that fails, the ocean; and when that fails, Florida.  This ticks off Colonel Diaz, who tries to kill the stupid Americans.  Yes, it sounds like Fitch and Sarah have their hands full with Diaz and the Megas, but poor Bob Grady has to do something vaguely defined to prevent World War III!  With Venezuela?  Is that right?

Oh, man, is this movie exactly what you think it is.  Do you want to know how bad this movie is?  My knowledge of cars stops at the color, and even I could spot different car models being used in establishing shots.  The camera work is awful (why does the camera seem to bob on land?), the script is terrible, the plot is ridiculous, and the special effects would feel at home on the Turbo Grafx 16:

An actual screenshot from Mega Piranha

Archival news footage from Venezuela

That's okay, though.  They look awesome when compared to some of the sets and on-location shots in this movie.  The fact that Bob Grady is always shown outdoors, allegedly in Washington DC, but never within camera range of any landmarks is amusing enough (especially since there are several fast cuts to monuments), but my favorite has to be the scene where the American scientists are running for their lives along the river bank and find themselves surrounded by birch trees, which are not found in South America.  Even the film's extras are all wrong.  When the Navy uses a nuclear submarine to nuke the Megas (don't worry, that obviously doesn't kill them), a few of the Navy guys have long hair; how hard is it to cast a dude with a crew cut for a non-speaking role?

I would like to praise the acting and directing, but I don't think I can without giggling.  I will give Tiffany and Barry Williams credit for trying and not being the worst things about this movie.  One question about your character, Barry...if you're having phone conversations about very hush-hush secret missions in foreign nations, why do you always use the speakerphone and speak outside?  You can add your response in the comments.  Paul Logan, though, is a revelation.  I do not think I have ever seen acting worse than this.  Well, that's a bold statement that ignores the work of Arch Hall, Jr., but it's got to be darn close to the truth.  As for writer/director Eric Forsberg...well, he has now written and directed both Mega Piranha and Snakes on a Train, and no one can (or would want to) take that away from him.

Now, this movie may sound awful, but it is actually AMAZING.  Yes, technically, this movie is --- at best --- a 1.5/10, but the magic of this movie is not found in what it does right, but what it does poorly...which is everything.  This might be the most obviously inept movie I have ever seen, but it also tries its hardest to be entertaining; hardly a scene goes by without several camera angles and running/flying/exploding.  All the dialogue is deadly serious, and a good portion of it is hilariously bad.  I was expecting to entertain myself by ridiculing this movie (and I did), but the fact of the matter is that I laughed harder at this movie than I did any comedy I have seen in the past year (well, maybe not Zombieland).  As bad as this movie is, I unexpectedly enjoyed the hell out of it.  You can't ask for anything more than that, right?

By the way, I didn't mention some of the best parts of the movie in my synopsis.  Here are some hints: growling fish, kamikaze piranha, hotels as fish food, and possibly the least likely wrap-it-up-in-a-tidy-bow ending ever.  Enjoy.

From a strictly rational point of view, I have to give Mega Piranha

But who says I have to be rational?  In Lefty Gold terms, this movie is flawless and cannot be recommended more.

And, just because this movie reminded me of one of my all-time favorite cartoons, here's a fake movie poster for your enjoyment, brought to you by Grizzlebee's.  You'll wish you had less fun!