|31 Days of Horror|
In case the trailer didn't clue you in, the opening credits make it pretty plain: Sorority House Massacre is going to be pretty cheap and cheesy. The credits are just an exterior shot of the sorority house in question, with a moody 80s synthesizer for the soundtrack. Even better, the entire story is told by the Last Girl, Beth (Angela O'Neill), in a flashback as she recovers in a psychiatric ward. Beth was pledging a sorority, I guess; I didn't see any sorority sisters taking her under their wing or anything, but the other girls talked about her joining, so...maybe this is the ultra-chill sorority that doesn't make a big deal out of pledge drives. Also: I thought pledges only joined sororities during pledge week --- this seemed like Beth was the only new girl around.
|"Stop picking my life apart!"|
|Why are all small girls creepy, even if they're well-behaved in your dreams?|
|Both of which were obviously underwhelming|
First up: the acting. There isn't any in Sorority House Massacre. Most of this cast made only a handful of movies, and a few of the main players never acted before or after. That's the talent level we're working with here, and it definitely shows. Do you like thoughtful inflection, realistic reactions, and likable characters? Then you might not want to focus on the actors in this movie.
|"I'm, like, probably dying and stuff. Blarg! That sounds like a death rattle, right?"|
Despite the obviously exploitative subject matter, it turns out that Sorority House Massacre was written and directed by a woman, Carol Frank. I don't want to be sexist, but I normally assume that a man would make a semi-sleazy horror knockoff like this; I hereby offer my apologies to womankind for thinking that exploitation was not an equal-opportunity film genre. This was the only movie Frank wrote or directed, and I think I know why. Take this scene:
|It does look good, though, when you compare it to sack-shaped dresses|
|Perhaps shadow puppets are part of their foreplay?|
Okay, fine. Nobody is going to watch Sorority House Massacre for the acting and directing. What about the all-important horror quality-gauges, violence and nudity? Well, the violence isn't too impressive. The body count is only six or seven, and there weren't any cool gore scenes. It was mostly "STAB! Now, stay dead!" There wasn't a whole lot of nudity, either, but there also weren't very many characters in this movie; given that handicap, I think it's safe to say that at least half of the female cast with speaking lines flashed the camera. There was also a decent amount of man-ass, too:
|It's like shirts and skins playing Capture the Flag. Only instead of a flag, it's a corpse.|
If you look at this movie objectively, Sorority House Massacre is an unadulterated mess. But subjectively, it was a surprisingly good time (with liquor). I mean, come on! It's not every day you come across an unapologetic Halloween ripoff that manages to fail in almost every conceivable way.
|That doesn't look anything remotely like a William Shatner mask|
|Not diving-headfirst-though-a-2nd-story-window unlikely, but still...|