I started off liking Piranha 3DD's choices, right off the bat. Piranha 3D set the stage for the inevitable sequel, but 3DD opts to completely ignore the ending of that movie; in a brilliant move, they acknowledge that some people died in a lake, thanks to some fish, but it's probably unrelated to what's happening in this film. So, if you were hoping for some tighter continuity in this series, you're absolutely adorable. And out of luck. The story kicks off with Maddy (Danielle Panabaker) returning home from college, only to discover that the water park she co-owns with her step-father, Chet (David Koechner), is about to grand open with an all-adult section and a brand new name: "Big Wet." That's a lot to take in at one time, I know, but try to digest it all. Yes, a college student co-owns a water park. Yes, it is creepy that her step-father is setting up a raunchy zone in said water park. And, following that logic, the lifeguards in the adult section will be strippers.
|"And the lifeguards can drop their kids off in the main pool while they're pool stripping! Genius!"|
|But then...how did...oh, I get it now.|
One of the unexpected strengths of Piranha 3D was its surprisingly legit cast. Piranha 3DD doesn't quite match its prequel in that department. Danielle Panabaker was fine, I guess, as the character with the closest thing that passes for brains in this movie.I don't know why, but I keep expecting her to have a breakout performance one of these days, despite the fact that she doesn't even stand out in this crap. Her romantic interests are played by Matt Bush and Chris Zylka; Bush appears to be doing his best impression of a young Seth Green here, while Zylka continues to play teenage jerks. Both were fine for what their roles called for, but neither was particularly interesting. Meagan Tandy and Jean-Lu Bilodeau were only in the film briefly, but they were void of personality. Paul James Jordan would have been completely forgettable, if not for the scene where he cuts off his penis to keep a piranha from eating him.
|I don't know if I would be that calm, sir|
|...that had already been done in Planet Terror|
John Gulager directed Piranha 3DD, and it was written by his buddies Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan; the three worked together on all three of the Feast movies. In case you're unfamiliar with those movies, Melton and Dunstan have also co-written the last four Saw movies, so if anyone knows how to make a stupid movie funny, it's...the guys who write torture porn? That doesn't sound right.
|If only they had this picture to inspire them to greater heights...|
|Example page from the script: Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle [WAIT FOR APPLAUSE TO DIE DOWN]|
|Thank God this didn't start with "This one time, in band camp..."|
|Why is Botox 'n' Balloon Chest Barbie even in this movie if she's clothed?|
|Correction: a movie about killer fish in a water park that features Gary Busey exploding a cow|
When it gets down to brass tacks, Piranha 3DD feels like the poor man's version of Piranha 3D, instead of the bigger and stupider movie that all sequels strive to be. It wants to be dumb enough to love, that much is clear. It is just missing the charm, wit, and tongue-in-cheek knowing humor that earned Piranha 3D 3.5 stars (out of 10) from me. In other words, this movie sucks, even when compared to a movie I didn't like. The humor is cruder, the tone was more irritating than campy, there were human villains for some reason, and there wasn't enough creative gore or nudity to keep me interested. It just. Wasn't. Fun.
|When 60% of your jokes come from the Hoff, you have a bad script|
|"I'll have to scrub for days to get all the shame off me"|